Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Mom Wondering What Ever Happened to That Nice Boy You Used to Fuck

Posted on February 15, 2020 by Sari Beliak

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local woman and your mom audibly wondered what ever happened to that nice boy you used to fuck, the question coming seemingly out of nowhere during a visit home to do a load of laundry last Tuesday morning.

“I think his name was Kyle. Or maybe Jeremy? The one with the brown hair. What ever happened to him?” your mom asked, referring to the man you briefly slept with last summer during a particularly low point in your life and have ultimately regretted ever since. “He sounded like a nice young man, but you haven’t mentioned him in a while. How are things going with him? I hope you didn’t scare him off like you did with Omar. You know what I’m talking about.”

Initial reports suggest your mother may be referring to Damien Schilling, the 35-year-old rock-climbing instructor and bass player you had several mediocre sexual encounters with, despite the fact that he repeatedly blew you off for his bandmates and then slept with your next-door neighbor.

“He was the one you met through a mutual friend from college, I think. Are you guys still a thing?” your mother continued. “Maybe you could invite him to your cousin’s wedding. I’m sure everyone would love to meet him.”

The question is expected to turn an otherwise tolerable exchange into a stressful and uncomfortable conversation that will likely set you back a few sessions in therapy.

“Yeah, I remember that piece of shit,” you stated privately. “I reluctantly matched with him on Tinder at like, 2 a.m. and over the next six weeks he managed to ruin my birthday and be the entire fucking reason I lost my security deposit on my old apartment. I don’t even know why I ever mentioned him to my parents, but now that I think about it, I was probably just trying to distract her from the $40 I borrowed last month.”

At press time, you were mentally preparing for your mom to bring up several other emotionally triggering issues, including the apartment you wanted and didn’t get, what you plan on doing with your art degree, and the fact that your sister just got promoted at work.

We Scored This Awesome Interview With Tom Morello After Hitting Every Button on the Elevator

Posted on February 15, 2020 by Jonah Nink

It’s not every day you get to interview a legendary guitarist like Tom Morello. You never know when an opportunity might strike so when we ran into the mastermind behind Audioslave and Rage Against the Machine in a New York City elevator last week, we knew we had about 30 seconds to make this happen. So we gathered ourselves, calmed our nerves, and hit every button on the elevator panel.

The Hard Times: We can’t wait to see Rage Against the Machine reunite at Coachella this year! How did that come about?

Tom Morello: Wait, we need to talk about what just happened. We locked eyes, you pushed me aside, and proceeded to rub your hands all over the elevator button panel like a rabid dog.

Sort of like how the winds of fate pushed Rage to reunite?

Jesus, dude. What is wrong with you?

We haven’t heard from Zack de la Rocha in a while, what brought him back?

I would have been happy to schedule an interview with you to talk about it. All you had to do was reach out to my management. You didn’t need to trap me on this elevator to get an answer.

You’re considered one of the most innovative guitarists out there. How did you develop such a unique style?

I dedicated my time to practicing and putting in the work to hone in my technique. I also spent my time learning from other guitarists whom I asked to take the time to speak with me. What I didn’t do was trap them in elevators. Fuck me, how are we only on the fifth floor?

Guy On The Elevator With Us: I’m supposed to pick up my kid from soccer in ten minutes. Thanks a lot, asshole.

So Tom, tell me, should we expect a new Rage album in the near future?

Ya know, it’s things like this that made us hate being famous and break up in the first place.

Absolutely. Well thanks for talking to us today, Tom. I’m gonna get off here, this is my floor.

Unbelievable.

Stone-Faced Man Who Doesn’t Let People Hug Him Asks Why We Need a Holiday to Express Ourselves

Posted on February 14, 2020 by Shea Strauss

KOKOMO, Ind. — Straight-faced local man Philip Fleming, who has never received or given a hug in his life, wondered today why society needs a holiday to express sentiment, according to several of his closest friends who consider themselves distant acquaintances at best.

“I don’t see the point of a special holiday that’s just an excuse to show affection,” stated Fleming dryly in his monotone voice. “I don’t need an occasion to do things for the people in my life. I do these things every day — like watch television near someone, or let people talk at me.”

In contrast, Fleming’s husband of three years Hugo Mendez is eagerly looking forward to Valentine’s Day.

“Valentine’s Day is the best day of my year, because I receive a hastily signed, store-bought card from Phil,” said Mendez while wrapping his arms around himself as if he was pretending to receive a hug. “It normally says something really romantic like, ‘Happy Valentine’s Day…’ or has a picture of a heart, which almost implies that he loves me. Sometimes our hands even brush when he passes it to me. It brightens my day to see him almost slightly smile as he says something snarky about how stupid the holiday is.”

“Can we shake hands again? I miss human touch,” Mendez desperately added.

While the origin of Valentine’s Day is cloudy, historians have several theories on why it is celebrated.

“The Feast of Valentine’s Day was established by Pope Gelasius I in the 5th century to christianize Lupercalia, a pagan festival observed to encourage men to stop murdering each other for a day,“ explained historian Zahra Pierce. “Once a year, men would stop raping and pillaging and instead search for a heart-shaped rock to give their mistresses. So you can see how today, that tradition carries on, where it forces men to spend one day fighting against their instincts to be complete assholes.”

At press time, Fleming’s mother was on her deathbed, and several nurses reported they saw Fleming, in an unusual moment of affection, pat his mother on the head and say, “There, there.”

QA Tester Also Good at Finding Flaws in Friend’s New Boyfriend

Posted on February 14, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Gabriel Callahan, a Maryland local and QA Tester at Bethesda Softworks, is also pretty good at finding flaws in his friend’s new boyfriend, according to sources close to the situation.

“I think it speaks to his skill and time in the industry that he’s so good at not only finding some of the more obscure glitches and potential exploits in a game like Skyrim VR, but also instances of micro-abuse in Terra’s most recent boyfriend,” said a mutual friend of Callahan and Terra Shanahan, the woman in question. “Gabriel has a clear passion in digging up problems, whether that be for when his team briefly got moved over to help smooth things out on DOOM: Eternal or when he discovered that Terra’s boyfriend had been ‘liking’ more than a few risque pictures of Instagram models.”

Ever since Shanahan met her new boyfriend nearly three weeks ago, Callahan has brought his many years of professional experience to documenting his every single imperfection. He complains that his efforts have been underutilized.

“I combed the wasteland of Fallout 76 for dozens of mind-numbing hours looking for places to clip through the floor, and believe me, I found plenty of them. But ultimately a lot of my submissions were completely ignored, and look how that game turned out,” said a frustrated Callahan. “I’m just worried that the same thing is happening here, even though I keep telling Terra that her shitbag of a boyfriend doesn’t wash his hands with soap after using the urinal, or that he only dusts his countertops once every few weeks.”

“I have kept these flaws in an extremely detailed log I update every single hour, but she doesn’t seem to be taking the issues seriously. This is like Blades all over again.”

When pressed about these many allegations, the boyfriend insisted on anonymity and deflected the question, saying on they he had “changed my locks three times” and was “genuinely afraid” for his own safety.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

How I Used Manipulation, Opportunism, and Gaslighting to Weed Toxic People out of My Life

Posted on February 14, 2020 by Dan Rice

Self care is important. Nothing is more important to me than my own mental well-being, and I will deploy any tool at my disposal to guard it from the toxic vampires who would take it from me. Lying, cheating, outright theft, it doesn’t matter. I will tend my own garden even if it means systematically destroying the garden of anyone who crosses my path.

So often I find my life populated by toxic wolves in sheep’s clothing. Take my former co-worker Steve. Seemed like a great guy at first; showed me the ropes when I first started, helped me adjust to living in a new city, hell at one point he was practically my best friend. But when we were up for the same promotion I realized that Steve was absolute poison.

I did the healthy thing. I stole his phone and used it to send dick pics to our entire department from his email. He was terminated immediately and I got the job I deserved. Nice try Steve, you soul sucking monster.

Interesting side note, not only did Steve lose his job over the incident but his wife left him too. Isn’t that funny?

I look at mental health as this crazy metaphysical chess game I’m playing against everyone I meet. And it’s a game I’m going to win no matter what it takes. By the time you shake my hand and tell me your name I’ve already sized up your strengths, weaknesses, and if/how you can be of use to me before I cut ties with you for good.

I need to be on guard at all times. I just seem to be a magnet for toxic people, especially in romantic relationships.

When I met Debra on one of my many dating app profiles, I thought it was the real thing. She made me feel alive like nobody else and I did the same for her. But when I got bored and wanted to fuck other people a month later Debra had the nerve to still be there, telling me she would be sad if I did that. Oh, my happiness makes you sad? Yeah, that’s not a red flag.

Luckily I had been down this road before (many times) and knew exactly how to handle it. I began cheating on her immediately, going out of my way to leave obvious clues of my indiscretion all over the place. But whenever Debra called me on it, I would deny it so adamantly that she eventually began to question her own sanity. She wound up in some kind of hospital for a while and then moved to a new city because I won.

Honestly, it serves her right for sleeping with a married man in the first place!

Don’t even get me started on my wife. With her it’s always “where have you been” this and “If you can’t make time for me and the kids I will take them and leave” that. Maybe if she wasn’t always threatening me like that I wouldn’t be so busy secretly starting a backup family three states away. But she’ll never understand that, she’s crazy!

Guy Spoils Girlfriend with Necklace Some Hookup Left at His House 2 Years Ago

Posted on February 14, 2020 by Jessica Carreiro

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Local Amazon Prime delivery driver Dave Eisner treated his girlfriend of one year last night to a necklace that’s been stashed in his sock drawer since a random hookup left it on his nightstand two years ago, sources who expect this to come back and bite him in the ass confirmed.

“My lady deserves nothing but the best on Valentine’s Day, so I was stoked when I remembered my lost-and-found collection of shit other chicks have left at my place. There’s a bunch to pick from, and it’s all stuff women like,” said Eisner. “I saved the lingerie for her birthday, so it was a toss-up between the necklace or a pair of pink platforms. I went with the necklace because it’s totally her style, and I thought it was weird to ask for her shoe size.”

“I’m shocked none of these women ever contacted me to get their things back,” he added. “There’s a lot of great stuff here!”

Eisner’s girlfriend, data analyst Michelle Murphy, confirmed that Eisner pulled the unwrapped gift out of his jacket pocket while they were out for coffee, letting the large, bedazzled butterfly fall from a gold chain wrapped around his fingers, adding, “Happy Valentine’s, babe.”

“Coming from him, this is actually a step up. Last year he got me a used bottle of Cool Water by Davidoff that he found under the table at the Roadhouse,” said Murphy. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s awful. The engraving on the back says, ‘To Beth, Love Grandma,’ but at least he’s trying, I guess? I’m not sure what to think when he basically tells me, ‘I saw this trash and thought of you.’ It’s sweet to be thought of, but just once, I’d like to spring to mind while he’s walking through the mall.”

Top shopping consultant and gift-giving expert Robert Chapman noted that while not advisable, this practice is common among younger men.

“I see this a lot on Valentine’s Day — specifically with men in their 20s to mid-30s who hate spending money on anyone other than themselves,” said Chapman. “In the past, men could rely on giving their girlfriend a mixtape with romantic songs that show he cares, but thanks to streaming platforms, that’s no longer an option.”

Eisner further impressed Murphy by preparing an elaborate Valentine’s Day dinner that he microwaved all by himself.

Couple Knows They’re About to Fight After Force Field Appears on Apartment Door

Posted on February 14, 2020 by Tyler Simpson

WAXAHACHIE, Texas — Local couple Darryl Perkins and Amanda Stein recently found out they were going to get into a fight after a force field appeared over their apartment door.

“It sucks because we had just got done fighting and were about to head out,” Perkins said after the spat took place. “I figured we’d get at least 30 minutes of down time to explore our relationship or develop our story. Instead it was another fight that felt extremely tedious and unnecessary.”

The couple claimed neither party wanted to fight, but both felt compelled to do so to make the force field go away.

“This weird face always appears over the door. It’s some kind of mystical ghoul or something that conveniently pops up so neither of us can leave the fight. It feels kind of unfair. Why can’t our fights develop organically throughout our night?” Stein asked, sitting with her back turned towards Perkins while he stared blankly at his phone.

“For once, I’d love to have a fight that moves through several spaces instead of being isolated to one space. We could start in the apartment, go to the car, and end it at a restaurant or something,” Stein continued. “Or we could just not fight at all for awhile. There’s other elements to our relationship we can enjoy. Our conversation system is dynamic.”

“We have a pretty decent sex mechanic,” Perkins added.

“The sex feels a little tacked on at the moment,” Stein replied.

Friends of the couple explained that the force field has become a regular occurrence during their six-month relationship.

“The force field has popped up a few times while I’ve been there,” Stein’s friend Taylor Burns reported. “I ask the ghoul face thing if I can pass, and it always just stares back with its mouth agape. I don’t want to have to stand there watching them fight in their cramped apartment. I hope this is something they can address in a later iteration of their relationship.”

At the time of this report, Perkins and Stein had reportedly separated, although there were already rumblings that a sequel was in the works.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Asked Jadakiss About His Best Valentine’s Kiss and He Just Tried to Offload Bricks of Cocaine on Us

Posted on February 14, 2020 by John Danek

We all know Valentine’s Day is a holiday created by the greeting card industry to remind single people how unlovable they are. But if we can stop being cynical for 5 minutes let’s use this day as a reminder to do something romantic and special for our partner.

Don’t have any ideas? Well, you’re in luck! We sat down with someone who loves love so much, he put “kiss” in his name! That’s right, The Hard Times sat down with Ruff Ryder Jadakiss.

The Hard Times: Happy V-Day Jadakiss! Do you have a special Valentine this year?

Jadakiss: Yo, thanks for meeting up. So I got four kilos in the whip and depending on how fast you sell those, there’s plenty more where that came from.

Ok, hmm. Ha ha! I don’t think I can help you with that. What are your major Valentine’s turn-offs?

I done sold purp, I done sold white. Runnin’ out of work, that’s that shit I don’t like. And leaving here without that paper, that’s also a major turn off I don’t like and we’re going to have some problems, you feel me?

I had no idea that you were such a jokester! No wonder the ladies swoon around you. But let’s keep this on track. Since you’re the expert on smooching, what’s the most romantic kiss you ever had on Valentine’s Day?

My agent said you wanted to discuss a hookup. Well I’m your hookup for 100% pure white Bolivian.

We meant a romantic hookup! But fine, I’ll take it. My girl wants something from Tiffany’s because I really fucked up on her birthday when I met up with Rihanna to inquire about cake. Here’s my burner number. So what, we split 50/50?

Ain’t no salary cap in the dope game. Ain’t no collective bargaining on cocaine. That coke will get you a long time, but when I let em know the dope is out, it’s like America Online.

Fair enough. I’ll holler.

Single Woman Disappointed She Has No One to Fight with Today

Posted on February 14, 2020 by Shea Strauss

BOISE, Idaho — Local woman Aniya Searle is sadly spending her Valentine’s Day without a significant other with whom to have an argument, several very concerned, older family members confirmed.

“I guess I’m spending this Valentine’s Day alone and content,“ sighed Searle wistfully. “I just don’t have anyone to fail to live up to expectations with today. Instead of being passive aggressive with a loved one in a crowded, fancy restaurant, I’ll have to do something that I actually enjoy… like watching reruns of ‘Roswell’ while eating a burrito in bed.”

“So I don’t feel left out today, maybe I’ll order myself a dozen roses, then get mad at myself for forgetting they’re my least favorite flower,” Searle added despondently. “It’s too bad I already remembered today is Valentine’s. Otherwise, I could’ve held a grudge for months about forgetting.”

Searle’s close friends and family are worried she is spending an important holiday without anyone to bicker with.

“I’m afraid she’s going to die alone, having never bitterly experienced Applebee’s Two-for-One Valentine’s Deal,” said Searle‘s mother Bhavanna Searle sadly. “Holidays are the time to be surrounded by disappointing family and friends. Her father and I have spent 40 miserable Valentine’s Days together, and each year it just gets worse.”

The Humane Society of Boise is encouraging singles like Searle to consider adopting a cat this Valentine’s Day.

“Valentine’s Day is the most popular day to adopt a cat,” confirmed Humane Society of Boise representative Giles Parks. “A lot of lonely people are looking for an unequal relationship today. A cat makes a great companion if you miss yelling at someone for having to clean up after them, or if you miss making someone sleep on the couch.”

For her part, Searle is looking towards the future, with reports indicating she is already dreading Saint Patrick’s Day with worry that, since she is sober, she will miss out on doing something embarrassing like drunk-Slacking her entire workplace an unflattering nude photo.

Casual Yu-Gi-Oh! Tournament Held Up as Competitors Share Tragic Backstories

Posted on February 13, 2020 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

FLUSHING, N.Y. — A Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament at local comic store Pages and Pieces was held up for several hours today as competitors took turns sharing their increasingly tragic and dramatic backstories with one another, exhausted sources confirmed.

“I can’t afford to lose,” exclaimed duelist Greg Cole, removing his signature sunglasses in anger after losing several thousand life points at once. “I’m fighting for my friends…who sacrificed everything for me to be here!”

His opponent at the time, Harry Bernstein, chuckled smugly from behind his painted gothic face mask before slamming a face-down card on the table and startling other customers.

“You’re pathetic! You think you can win the prize money with that attitude?” Bernstein mocked. “If you don’t get it together, how do you expect to attain dueling glory like your missing father?”

Cole was reportedly shaken by the memory of his father’s disappearance. After several minutes of reminiscing, he vowed to use his dueling to find him and finally took his turn to summon a set monster. Meanwhile, other players like Alex Chang would put their fingers over their decks and pause dramatically.

“I’m betting everything on this next card,” Chang declared. “After all, this is all for my little brother’s operation! I still remember the accident like it was yesterday…”

Chang continued with a rant about his crippled brother before drawing his next card and putting a Raigeki Break in his hand.

Store manager Francis Geller has tried and failed repeatedly to reign in the players’ melodrama. She stated that while her tournaments were a reliable source of revenue, the length of everyone’s backstories would eat up her schedule.

“If I’m hosting a Yu-Gi-Oh event, then that’s my entire day,” Geller complained. “I have to keep the rest of the store running while shushing the players when they start yelling about the things they need to protect or their dreams to be the best duelist in the Five Boroughs. And when it’s time to close up shop, I’m lucky if I get them out the door a half hour after closing time.”

At press time, Cole had won the tournament, taking home $116 and a Powercode Link structure deck.

Photo via Yugioh Planet.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News