BOISE, Idaho — Local woman Aniya Searle is sadly spending her Valentine’s Day without a significant other with whom to have an argument, several very concerned, older family members confirmed.
“I guess I’m spending this Valentine’s Day alone and content,“ sighed Searle wistfully. “I just don’t have anyone to fail to live up to expectations with today. Instead of being passive aggressive with a loved one in a crowded, fancy restaurant, I’ll have to do something that I actually enjoy… like watching reruns of ‘Roswell’ while eating a burrito in bed.”
“So I don’t feel left out today, maybe I’ll order myself a dozen roses, then get mad at myself for forgetting they’re my least favorite flower,” Searle added despondently. “It’s too bad I already remembered today is Valentine’s. Otherwise, I could’ve held a grudge for months about forgetting.”
Searle’s close friends and family are worried she is spending an important holiday without anyone to bicker with.
“I’m afraid she’s going to die alone, having never bitterly experienced Applebee’s Two-for-One Valentine’s Deal,” said Searle‘s mother Bhavanna Searle sadly. “Holidays are the time to be surrounded by disappointing family and friends. Her father and I have spent 40 miserable Valentine’s Days together, and each year it just gets worse.”
The Humane Society of Boise is encouraging singles like Searle to consider adopting a cat this Valentine’s Day.
“Valentine’s Day is the most popular day to adopt a cat,” confirmed Humane Society of Boise representative Giles Parks. “A lot of lonely people are looking for an unequal relationship today. A cat makes a great companion if you miss yelling at someone for having to clean up after them, or if you miss making someone sleep on the couch.”
For her part, Searle is looking towards the future, with reports indicating she is already dreading Saint Patrick’s Day with worry that, since she is sober, she will miss out on doing something embarrassing like drunk-Slacking her entire workplace an unflattering nude photo.