Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Woman Rudely Wears Black to Goth Friend’s Wedding

Posted on February 13, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

BATON ROUGE, La. — Wedding guest Jennie Fultz committed a major fashion faux pas last weekend by wearing a black dress and smokey eye shadow to her goth friend Darcy Deltoro’s wedding, subculture etiquette experts confirmed.

“Darcy and I were best friends in middle school, but sort of lost touch. So I thought it was really cool that she invited me to her wedding… at least, it was cool, until she angrily stomped towards me, tossed back her lace veil, and threw a glass of absinthe in my face,” explained Fultz. “I didn’t even know what the hell I did wrong until one of her cousins explained it was rude to wear black to a goth’s wedding. I know the rules about not wearing white to a wedding, but I had no idea the rules were different when your pale friend with black hair who only listens to The Cure was getting married.”

While Fultz insisted she had no idea black was off-limits, the bride believed Fultz was still “100% to blame” for the fashion blunder.

“She should have known by my ‘Nightmare Before Christmas’-themed wedding invitations that I’d be wearing a dress blacker than the darkest night. I don’t care that we haven’t talked since we were 11, it’s just plain rude,” said Deltoro. “Hell, I kicked out my new brother-in-law for showing up in his dumbass steampunk top hat — I sure as hell wasn’t going to put up with her black dress bullshit.”

Meanwhile, Unitarian Church minister Frank Parker noted privately that Deltoro’s fight with Fultz was actually part of a larger pattern of rude bride behavior.

“When the groom stepped up to the altar looking like that old WCW wrestler Sting, I knew we were in for a shitshow. But it wasn’t until later that I saw what a bridezilla Darcy was… or as she called herself, a ‘bridechulthu,’” said Parker. “She demanded all the bridal party put on these uncomfortable, latex, plague-doctor masks for the nearly 30-minute long photoshoot, and then the couple’s first dance was to a nine-minute song by This Mortal Coil. I thought her poor grandmother was going to pass out from standing that long.”

The happy couple is reportedly spending their Day After photoshoot doing “the most romantic thing imaginable,” which is picking out his-and-her burial plots.

Help! I Wasted My Whole 20s Starting a Career and Family

Posted on February 13, 2020 by Eric Navarro

Every waking moment I am consumed by the grim reality that I wasted my 20s. Like any typical 20-something I thought life would never end and I made poor life choices because of that misguided feeling. I was selfish and shortsighted. Where did I go wrong? Well, starting a career and a family, probably. Somebody help!

I can’t begin to tell you how it feels to wake up as the youngest executive in my company’s history, next to my wife of 9 years, hearing the sounds of my children playing in the living room; all grim reminders of a decade wasted. I put so much time into being a nurturing and supportive father. Time that could have been spent playing fantasy football or getting drunk on a couch. Being reminded of my sacrifice is the worst. It breaks my heart every time my son says he loves me.

My regret is even harder to deal with because I didn’t spend my 20s getting fucked up. I clearly remember every painful, responsible moment of them. I hear people complain all the time about some mistake they made when they were blackout drunk and how bad they feel. Well how do you think I feel?! I made these decisions stone cold sober. I have no excuse.

I lost all my friends with my selfish actions. I said “no” to every party invite. I said “next time” to countless 10 year anniversary album tours. I said “maybe” to no less than fourteen thousand local band shows that I never went to. I actually don’t regret that last one.

My wife noticed how sad I’ve become and told me last week she was worried I’m going to leave her for someone else. I held her close, ran my hand through her hair, and reminded her that if I leave it’s so I can be by my fucking self. I think she has some regrets now, too.

At least I know my future is pretty stable. Unless someone dies, I get fired, the economy goes bad, there’s a war, literally any crucial resource runs out, or one of the kids needs braces and a retainer, it should be smooth sailing all the way to my 40s.

Successful Friend Quietly Unfollows Loser On Social Media Who Supported Them From Beginning

Posted on February 13, 2020 by Kevin Tit

NEW YORK — Breakout singer/songwriter Peter Musto quietly unfollowed all his “go-nowhere loser friends” on social media last week, leaving behind a number of those who supported him from the beginning.

“I thought Twitter was glitching out, but then I checked Instagram and Facebook,” said longtime friend and part-time Jiffy Lube employee Max Wolfson. “I just don’t get it. The second he starts selling records, it’s like I no longer exist or something. Every time he needed five people to come out so he could perform, I’d be there — I paid the cover, fulfilled the two drink minimum, and sat through countless horrible shows just to support someone I thought was my friend. I gave myself a hernia clapping so hard at a battle of the bands for that piece of shit!”

TMZ released a video of the young star in-studio, meticulously going through his “following” list on Twitter and deleting anyone without a blue check mark.

“It’s a shame that video came out, but you gotta understand, 90% of this business is maintaining a solid ratio,” said Musto. “I’m getting verified next week and I just have to cut some people loose. I’m only at 27k followers, so I can’t afford to follow more than 12 people myself right now. It’s just not a good look — I’ll never get work in entertainment looking like that. I appreciate my day-ones and all but, let’s face it: they’re not Dwayne Johnson, ya know?”

Executives in the entertainment industry were quick to confirm Musto’s claims.

“We’re taught our whole lives to be a leader, and leaders don’t follow,” said Viacom advertising executive Joanna Harris. “Jesus has millions of followers. How many people does Jesus follow? One: God. And that doesn’t even count. It’s literally the only thing we look for in this industry anymore.”

“Talent is obsolete. The Kardashians changed the fucking game,” Harris continued. “If you want any sort of longevity in this business, you’d better find a way to keep your following-to-followers ratio in check on all social media platforms, because you never know when the next Jesus or Kylie Jenner is going to come by and steal the crown throne filter.”

Musto was last seen blocking his parents on Facebook.

Gamers Reflect On E3’s Humble Beginnings as Trade Show Designed to Help Huge Corporations Sell More Video Games

Posted on February 13, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

LOS ANGELES — With big names like Geoff Keighley and PlayStation dropping out of this year’s iteration of E3, gamers around the world have been reflecting on the expo’s humble beginnings as a trade show purely focused on helping huge corporations sell more video games.

“I remember watching Reggie Fils-Aime show off the DS at E3 in 2004. I was in middle school back then and my mind was blown,” says lifelong gamer Phil Harrelson, who would later beg his cash-strapped parents to buy him a DS for Christmas, thus helping Nintendo recoup the cost of sending Fils-Aime to E3 to do the announcement. “I’ll never forget you, E3! Thanks for the memories!”

“That was also the same year that Miyamoto came out on stage with a Hylian shield and Master Sword to reveal Twilight Princess, remember? Man, that was so crazy,” added Harrelson, referring to another iconic moment from E3 2004 which would not have happened unless years of market research had proven that it was a financially savvy marketing strategy to fly the company’s most beloved employee from Japan to do so. “I bought Twilight Princess on release day two years later but I didn’t end up liking it that much. Great trailer, though. Good old E3!”

At press time, gamers were wistfully hoping that a new, more exciting gaming expo would come along to take the place of E3 and tell them what to spend their hard earned money on.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Talk With Mitt Romney About How His Mormon Faith Inspired His Hollow, Opportunistic Last Minute Gesture

Posted on February 13, 2020 by Dan Rice

In these divided times it takes real courage to go against the grain and stand up for what you believe in. But apparently it’s been so long since Americans have seen courage that they will settle for the next best thing: empty opportunistic lip service.

By announcing his intention to vote against Trump once all of the numbers were in and it was clear that it would affect nothing, senator Mitt Romney has gained rock star status in the field of self interested compromise.

Romney was kind enough to open up to us about his deliberately futile strike against his own party.

The Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us today, senator. Let’s just get into it, what made you break from the pack?
Mitt Romey: It was clear from the get go that any republican who voted against Trump would receive huge brownie points from the press. When it got down to the wire and those brownie points were still on the table, I decided it was about time someone swooped in and took them. And that’s exactly what I did.
So it was never your intention to remove Trump from office?
Good Lord no! It was sort of like a game of chicken we were all playing. Everyone wanted to be seen as the cool Republican who stood up to Trump but no one wanted to do it so early that they accidentally got some momentum going and changed the outcome of the trial. No one wanted that.
But you did say that your faith was ultimately the deciding factor. How could that be true if morality had nothing to do with it?
Well as I’m sure you are aware I am a Mormon and one of the central tenants of Mormonism is doing crazy PR spin moves to make ourselves seem decent.
Public relations stunts are part of your religion?
Absolutely! Mormons were once huge advocates of slavery, but then slavery became unpopular, so all of a sudden God came down and told us that slavery was wrong. Get it?
Was that a wink?
No no, I had something in my eye. Feel me?
I’m not sure I do.
It’s like, we used to be openly polygamous, but when the government’s anti polygamy stand threatened our stronghold, we condemned polygamy. We get credit for reforming, but also kept our secret child brides. It’s win-win.
So one of the pillars of your religion is lying?
I wouldn’t call it lying, no. It’s like, if a reed in the water is too rigid it will break. We bend with the current to survive.
Is that a Buddhist saying?
Not anymore.

Punk Attending First Show Can’t Believe They Got to Meet Singer of Terrible Local Band That Will Break Up in Two Months

Posted on February 13, 2020 by James Knapp

RAVENNA, Ohio — 12-year-old punk attending his first show Dalton Stahl was overjoyed last weekend meeting the lead singer of local band Swarthy Dave & the Bush Magnets, who will inevitably break up in a few short weeks, unreasonably ecstatic sources confirmed.

“I was super nervous when my mom dropped me off at the venue,” said Stahl of the First United Methodist Church gymnasium where the show was held. “But I couldn’t believe my luck when the Bush Magnets finished their five-song set and Swarthy Dave just walked out into the audience. I never met a real rock star before, but I was able to get his autograph on an old Sunoco receipt he had in his pocket. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to top this!”

Frontman Dave Ripaldi, however, was “less than enthused” about meeting Stahl.

“That kid is in for a world of disappointment when he figures out that this is how shows work,” Ripaldi remarked while watching the rest of his band load out equipment. “If I’m being honest, this band isn’t that good anyway — I’m mainly just doing this until I can buy a new mixing board and finally get my solo project started. Plus, our drummer just got a new job with the post office, so this shitshow is basically all fucked out.”

For her part, Stahl’s mother JoAnn was happy for her son.

“They grow up so fast — next thing you know, he’ll be learning Rancid songs on his Squier strat and talking about starting his own zine,” Mrs. Stahl said while making sure her hazard lights were on. “I still remember my first show show in 1998 when I got to meet the drummer for the Gutter Screws; we still talk on Facebook sometimes. Some people never forget where they came from.”

Stahl later attempted to Google tour dates for Swarthy Dave & the Bush Magnets, only to find an unmaintained Twitter account and several public court records.

CNN Political Analysts Explain First Is the Worst, Second Is the Best, Third Is the One With the Hairy Chest

Posted on February 12, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Political analysts sitting around the CNN roundtable explained to viewers today after the decisive New Hampshire primary that first is the worst, second is the best, and third is one with the hairy chest.

“The Sanders camp is certainly happy with last night’s outcome but conventional wisdom tells us time and time again that ‘first’ is the ‘worst.’ You don’t want to be in first,” Max Foster explained to the other CNN analysts. “In fact, second is generally considered the best, which is where former Mayor Pete Buttigieg ended up. Amy Klobuchar, however, is the one with the hairy chest — and only time will tell how that will work out for her in Nevada and South Carolina. Hairy chests are often what you want for a caucus and, as I said before, it’s certainly better than first.”

Despite Acosta’s convincing arguments, not everyone at the CNN roundtable agreed.

“Obviously Sanders is in the worst spot and Buttigieg is in the best spot, coming out in first place and second place in New Hampshire respectively. That much I obviously agree with. Klobuchar is in a messier position, however,” responded Ayesha Hazarika. “Some say that third is one with the hairy chest but as we all learned in 2016, there is reason for doubt! At this point, we cannot say for certain that third is not the one with the wedding dress or even the treasure chest.”

“That treasure chest could be monumental to Klobuchar’s momentum on Super Tuesday and we’re just going to have to wait until the polls come out to see if that’s what she has.”

CNN then revealed that Elizabeth Warren, who placed fourth in the New Hampshire primary, was seen brandishing a golden gun that she had pointed at Senator Sanders. As of press time, former Vice President Joe Biden has made no statement confirmed nor denying that he has a “monkey bum.”

Check out the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Punk Coroner Keeps Pushing Back Time of Death

Posted on February 12, 2020 by James Knapp

NEW YORK — Local coroner and punk Wayne “Bonecracker” Davis frustrated his colleagues last week, repeatedly pushing back the time of death for an unnamed victim in a recent homicide investigation.

“Originally, we thought we had a time that fit perfectly… but then some of the crime scene analysts ran late, and we didn’t get all of the evidence loaded in until later,” said Davis. “Then we decided it’d be better to wait for a few more witness statements to show up, just to make sure we’re not wasting our time. But, after the statements showed up, the time had already been pushed back so much, I figured why rush it. Everything’s already here; we can get this done whenever.”

Members of local law enforcement are not happy with Davis’ handling of the investigation — notably, his apparent lack of understanding of the duties of his office.

“I’m not sure how he still has this job. If you look through our database of crime scene photos, any picture where the coroner is in the shot, he’s giving the camera the finger or like, doing a jerk-off motion. It’s very unprofessional,” bemoaned Detective Lawrence Bonafair, lead investigator in the homicide case. “We need that time of death before we can proceed with our investigation. I’ve still got to talk to the press… not to mention the victim’s family. I’ve got people sitting around with their thumbs up their asses because this guy can’t get his shit together.”

“Also, if he doesn’t wrap this up soon, I’m gonna miss my carpool back to Bridgeport. That’s just inconsiderate,” added Bonafair.

Dr. Michaela Wallace, Chief Medical Examiner for the City of New York, noted these were not the first complaints about Davis.

“Yeah… he’s fucked up pretty much every investigation he’s been a part of. But until his term is over, there’s not really much we can do,” said Dr. Wallace. “What I’m really getting sick of are his excuses — the last time this happened, he claimed it was because he couldn’t figure out the electrical system for the medical center. It’s three switches, and they’re all always on anyway! It really shouldn’t be this hard.”

Davis allegedly made matters worse when family members of the deceased came to identify the body and Davis turned them away, claiming, “They weren’t on the list, and this isn’t some charity.”

Spy Can’t Stop Playing With Cyanide Pill Tooth

Posted on February 12, 2020 by Dave Cross

MOSCOW — A secret agent embedded deep within the Russian military reportedly can’t stop monkeying around with the cyanide pill he keeps in his mouth in case of capture.

“I get so fuckin’ bored sitting out here in the woods pretending to be in the Russian Ground Forces,” said a coded message sent by Secret Agent Drake Cavalier that was recovered by authorities. “It’s like having a loose tooth or something. You know how it hurts a little bit, but you can’t stop messing with it? How the pain is sort of what’s nice about it? It’s like I know this thing is meant to be fatal upon ingestion but I can not stop putzing with it!”

Cavalier’s mentor had warned about handling his dangerous gadgets without care, following a previous incident in which the secret agent nearly lost his ability to walk.

“I get that it’s hard not to do, especially once you start thinking about doing it,” said Corble Fencepenny, a retired agent from the United States government’s top secret association of undercover operatives. “But he really needs to just grow up and sit still for pete’s sake. Remember when I said that if he kept chewing on his lava pen he would get lava all over everything? And do you remember what happened to his leg?”

Despite the urging of his associates, Cavalier insisted that playing with the pill was not high on his list of concerns.

“Look, I am in the unenviable position of trying to sort out modern international relations,” he said. “Not to mention getting the nuclear codes out of Vladimir’s hands, rescue the chancellor’s daughter, and not let my identity get blown. This little death pill I carry right in my mouth is harmless when you think about it.”

As of press time, Fencepenny had grown concerned about Agent Cavalier’s whereabouts, following Russian official Vladimar Kazaklav’s successful test of nuclear weaponry in the woods near where he had been stationed.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Is He a Cop or Does He Just Like Holding His Skateboard That Way?

Posted on February 12, 2020 by Dom Turek

As co-owner of the sixth of the most respected skate shops in Albany, I have an unwritten responsibility to protect my crew from unfair skate laws and law enforcement. It’s a duty I take as seriously as shredding gnar itself, which is why I need to know if the new guy in town is a cop or if he honestly thinks that’s how you hold a skateboard.

I knew something was up when he came into the shop right as it opened and asked me to grip his board. His hands seemed perfectly capable and he was over the age of 10 so I wasn’t sure why he couldn’t do it himself, but I ended up doing it anyway. I did make sure to text the shop kid to hide any drug paraphernalia that might be laying around, just in case.

Call me paranoid but pretty much everything in this city is covered in stoppers except the skate park, which is why I need to stay vigilant and watch out for the main signs of an undercover cop like mall-grabbing, excessive brand-wearing, or chop-skating. And if you know what that last one is you’re probably a narc because I just made it up.

According to some guys at the park, last week he sat on a bench and sipped on the same Coors Light for two hours because he was, “recovering from a boardslide injury.” His pristine board and unscuffed Vans slip-ons wouldn’t know a boardslide injury if it was jammed up his poser ass.

Me and the boys currently have a bet going as to whether or not he works for the Albany PD but the other day he was publicly shamed into dropping in on the vert ramp, so we won’t know who won the pool until he wakes up from surgery. Either way, skate or die, pig.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News