Obviously Hungover Tarot Reader Just Describing Ross/Rachel Plotline from “Friends”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

JACKSON, Miss. — A recent tarot card reading from obviously hungover woman Divina Roth was actually little more than a recount of the Ross/Rachel storyline from the NBC sitcom “Friends,” sources familiar with the reading and the sitcom confirmed.

“She said there was some family dynamic energy on the table, and I mentioned my sister and how we’re kind of fighting about money at the moment,” said first-time customer Mykenna Freshour. “My sister’s name is Tia, but she kept calling her ‘Monica,’ and then [Roth] brought up all this random stuff about the Counting Crows guy — which sort of added up since Tia kind of liked that one song in high school — but when she brought up a monkey named Marcel, I knew something was up.”

Roth, who has been reading tarot cards for over four years, admitted she was “off her game” that afternoon.

“Listen, I do my best to be present when communicating with a source, but I’m a human being who has girlfriends who like to hit up the casino every so often, just like everybody else,” Roth said. “The cards depict classic archetypes, as do Rachel, Ross, and the relationship developed between them. America fell in love with them because they are so relatable. So, was I really that wrong? It’s impossible to say.”

Although initially disappointed, Freshour’s frustration quickly grew to interest in how the storyline between the two doomed lovers would play out.

“I missed my chance to binge-watch ‘Friends’ on Netflix, so I’m fuzzy on some of the details. I moved out of my parents’ house right when this part of the show started getting really juicy, and then I didn’t have a television for years,” she explained. “I had half a bag of chips in my bag and she had a ton of water just out on the table, and before I knew it, she pulled a ton more cards and I was all caught up. Definitely not the best use of $375 on my part, but it is what it is.”

“Also, I can’t believe Ross. I don’t care if you are on a break — if you love someone, you just don’t move on that quickly. You just don’t,” she added.

Despite the lackluster read, reports indicate that Freshour, desperate for an answer regarding whether to take a job in Minneapolis, spun the obviously bullshit reading into whatever answer she walked in there secretly hoping to receive.

Loser Six Year Old Can’t Even Start Profitable Toy Review Channel

Posted on by James Gavigan

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local six-year-old and utter failure Freddy Johnson has been unable to turn a profit from his toy review YouTube channel for the sixth consecutive month, disappointed sources have confirmed.

“I knew things might be tough for the first few weeks after we launched Freddy’s Toys, but six months out and the little shit hasn’t landed a single sponsor,” said Freddy’s mother and majority shareholder of Freddy’s Toys LLC Lisa Johnson. “We keep dumping money into toys for him to review and I just don’t know how much longer we can keep this up without a brand deal. I mean, sure, we return all the toys after we shoot an episode, but the production costs add up with every trip I make to the mall and back!”

Other stakeholders in Freddy’s Toys share the growing sense of pessimism about the vapid grade-schooler’s potential for long-term monetization.

“Listen, I love him, but the kid’s as charismatic as an oyster cracker,” said producer and father Fred Johnson Sr. “We put an amazing toy in front of him and the doofus just whines. The first couple shoots weren’t bad, but after a while, what little excitement he had collapsed into the black hole that is his personality. Now instead of ‘Wow! This is so cool!’ it’s ‘Why can’t I keep my toys?’ and ‘Why are you doing this to me?’”

At press time, Freddy’s parents were reportedly considering cutting their losses by giving all of their son’s toys to a cheaper child vlogger in a third world country who would appreciate them more.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Every Queens of the Stone Age Album Is a Concept Album and the Concept Is Doing Drugs in the Desert

Posted on by Jay Chanoine

The term “concept album” can be confusing. Sometimes it implies that there is a narrative story told through a collection of songs, similar to a rock opera. It could also mean there is a core idea or theme tying the album together. And sometimes it can refer to an entire discography, like every Queens of the Stone Age album. The concept remains the same every time a new record drops: let’s go do some drugs in the desert.

Every QotSA fan will agree Josh Homme has a very distinct sound and that’s probably because most songwriters don’t spend their free time dropping acid and whispering secrets to a cactus.

The man’s a walking Fear and Loathing paperback and it’s evident in every eerie guitar solo. When he wrote the lyrics “nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, marijuana, extacy and alcohol” they weren’t meant to be a song, it was a shopping list.

The remaining members of the band have always been a rotating cast of characters that seem like they’d be fun to get high with.

You’ve got Mark Lanegan whose signature raspy growl and skeletal stature put you halfway to a hallucination that you’re talking to the grim reaper.

Nick Oliveri looks like every meth-head biker character you’ve ever seen on Law & Order. That dude definitely knows about some shit you’ve never even heard of, like “if you low temp boil Windex for twenty two and a half minutes then huff the fumes off of a goose down comforter you’ll see God” type shit.

Dave Grohl has publicly stated that he’s not a big fan of the Foo Fighters album he wrote following working with Queens, which is understandable since who among us has never done something they regret while coming down from the most fucked up they’ve ever been?

Not every concept is well executed. Metallica and Lou Reed’s’ “Lulu ” was a disaster. But I gotta say, QotSA kills it every damned time. There’s not a single album in their library that I don’t like, especially when listened to under a scorching sun with dilated pupils.

Andrew Yang to Suspend Campaign, Offer Universal “Go Fuck Yourself” to Every American Citizen

Posted on by Tim Sheard

CONCORD, N.H. — Andrew Yang announced he will be dropping out of the presidential race tonight, but promised to deliver a heaping helping of “go fuck yourself” to every American citizen.

“Oh so I guess you didn’t want to try something new huh America? Big fucking surprise. Suck my nuts, both of them, you pieces of dog shit,” said Yang in an expletive-ridden concession speech. “You think universal basic income is a bad idea? Well how about each and every one of you go universally fuck yourselves. I will be going door to door to give you all the finger. Fuck you.”

New Hampshire primary voters were surprised by the sudden outburst from the otherwise laid back candidate.

“My children are here and they had to listen to that man saying ‘F-this’ and ‘I’m going to whip my D out and shove it right up your A while making your mother watch’ that, and quite frankly it was a bit upsetting,” said local school teacher Rebecca Ann Harrison. “That sort of language should never be used by the leader of the free world.”

At press time Yang could be seen in the background of a CNN broadcast making the jerk off motion towards the American flag.

Game Developer Incites Controversy by Continuing to Exist

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

AUSTIN, Texas — Controversial game development studio Qth Dimension came under fire from the denizens of the internet yet again this week after it was revealed that they do, in fact, still exist and are currently working on future projects.

The outrage stems from a recent post that hit the front page of Reddit’s r/Games page in which the original poster explains that they visited the developer’s Twitter account to discover a string of tweets posted as recently as three days prior.

“This is yet another slap in the face,” said user u/DorimeDoritos, expressing his outrage that the studio would dare to offend the gaming community by interacting with it on Twitter. “QD sucks shit and always has. These companies consisting of self-aware human workers just doing their jobs are not welcome in the games industry, how many times do we have to remind them?”

The Redditors’ anger has been directed not only at the company, but also individual employees. Lead Writer Samantha Wilcox was forced to delete her Instagram account and set her Twitter to private to avoid harassment after gamers realized that she both had a corporeal body and sentience.

“It’s really tough being in the games industry as a woman,” she said pensively. “It’s even tougher when you can’t change the fact that you are a real and tangible person, a nonfictional character in the conscious world. A lot of gamers hate that about us.”

At press time, Qth Dimension had issued a statement apologizing to anyone who had been offended by anything they had ever done or created, including the apology letter itself.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Bass Player Abandoned on Doorstep of Local Trade School

Posted on by James Knapp

WHEELING, W.V. — Bassist George Atkins was abandoned yesterday by his thrash band Rocket Bulge at the side entrance of South Wheeling Technical Academy, bringing a sudden end to his tour of the East Coast.

“This has really been a tough transition for me, but honestly, it’s not that much of a surprise,” said Atkins, still clutching his Ibanez 5-string. “Over the last few months, the band mixed my bass out of every recording, turned off my amp during shows, and a few times they called me Glen by mistake, so I kinda saw it coming. It’s been fun, but maybe it’s time I shift my focus and become more career-oriented after all.”

“I hope the other guys tell my family where I am,” added Atkins. “I’m pretty far from home.”

Lead singer Wilhelm “Big Willy” Mayhew was sad to see him go, but knew it was for the best.

“It was a really hard choice to make, but in the end, we all realized this was the responsible thing to do,” said a choked-up Mayhew. “When he passed out in the van, that was our chance. At that school he’ll actually have a shot at being something more than a bass player. Maybe he’ll learn to be a plumber or a pinball machine repairman… you know, something useful.”

Rebecca DeWitt, head of the South Wheeling Technical Academy electrical engineering program, claimed a staggering number of former bassists are current students earning valuable trade certificates.

“This is fairly common, and it’s tragic. But we do the best we can to help these poor souls transition into being productive members of society,” said DeWitt. “At least things aren’t as bad as they used to be — back during the last recession, we averaged five bass player drop-offs per week. Our HVAC program was so overcrowded that at one point, we just switched half of them over to the nurse practitioner track. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice.”

Sources report Atkins is emotionally preparing to part with his instrument, and plans to donate his bass to the school’s welding program so it can be scrapped for raw materials.

Just a Jim Looking for Your Pam? Five Dating Tips for Underachieving Workplace Bullies

Posted on by Ryan Werner

In these modern times, your ex changes your Netflix password so you have to watch “The Mob Doctor” on Crackle like some sort of bored psychopath, and you spend every night swiping endlessly right. TV has the answers, though, and when you get that Netflix account back in your possession, fire up “The Office” (US) like I did and peep these hot dating tips from ol’ Jim Halpert.

1. Aggressively go after someone you work with
A co-worker is a person forced to be in your proximity for 40 hours a week. That’s half the battle! A stressful work environment can, in some cases, warp someone’s worldview temporarily. We spend so much time in the office that it can seem like the office is our whole reality. Take advantage of this! Chances are good that between her workload and your tenacity she will actually begin to forget she has other prospects!

2. Blow Off Your Love Interest’s Special Events So You Can Prank a Coworker
Does your partner keep insisting you go to their art show? Remember to just NOT GO. It’ll create a certain air of importance around whatever else it is you end up doing, like torturing a co-worker by pretending to be a vampire even though you’re like 30.

3. Burden Your Significant Other With Justifying Your Laziness When a New Manager Calls You Out On Fucking Around All Day
Like you, Jim had to deal with obnoxious straight shooters like Charles Miner wanting to “save your job.” It’s a personality clash you shouldn’t have to deal with alone, so don’t be afraid to carry the stress of having to face your shortcomings over to your relationship. The right partner will make sure to justify your worldview and, if lucky, just get pregnant so you don’t ever have to change.

4. Have No Real Goals and, By Proxy, No Real Interest In the Goals of Your Special Someone
Maybe some exes have told you that you don’t want anything, but that’s just not true. You want Reddit servers to not crash so often. You want to have a verified Instagram. You want to get paid to test video games even though you have no marketing or programming experience and you aren’t terribly good at video game. The supposed “big” goals of life can pass you by, and when they do, don’t stop to give them or your partner’s enrollment in art school a second—or first—thought.

5. Make Gigantic Financial Decisions That Affect the Both of You Without Any Sort of Consultation from Your Other Half
Buy your parents’ house, who gives a fuck? Your partner gonna live in their own place and be present in the machinations of their own life or something?

The main thing you can count on is that you’re marginally better than other scumbags your partner has been with. Don’t forget: they’re pretty sure you’re the best they can do, so coast on that all the way to the office and back.

DNC Chairman Paints Fake Tunnel on New Hampshire Mountainside to Sideline Sanders Campaign

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

DOVER, N.H. — Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez was seen painting a fake tunnel onto the side of a mountain yesterday, admittedly hoping to bring Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders’ campaign to a swift, fiery end.

“We’ve tried everything to get rid of this guy, and I’m at my wits’ end,” said Perez. “In Iowa, I had this box full of TNT marked ‘Medicare-4-All Inside’ and sure enough, Bernie started sniffing around the thing. But when I pressed down on the detonator, it backfired and sent me flying 400 feet — blasted my head straight through a rock. But this painting is sure to work. He’s going to be driving along, then, BLAMMO! Goodbye Bernie, hello moderate Democratic candidate.”

DNC staffers have allegedly set up a variety of booby traps to stop Sanders, but all have failed.

“I was told to install a door next to a cliff, and then guide Senator Sanders through the door so he would fall to his bloody death,” admitted DNC intern Angela Cower. “But he opened the door, and without hesitation, just walked straight across to the other side of the canyon. He was literally walking on air like it was nothing! I tried to follow him, and made it halfway across… and then saw Bernie holding a sign that read, ‘Look Down.’”

“That’s when I started falling — I broke both of my legs and almost drowned,” she added from her hospital bed. “And before I lost consciousness, I clearly heard Bernie yelling about universal health care.”

Henry Hudson, CEO of the Acme Corporation, claimed the DNC is currently Acme’s best customer.

“We basically have a backorder on anvils right now because we sold the DNC so many, but every time they try to drop one on Bernie, he’s carrying an umbrella,” said Hudson. “They’ve purchased giant rubber bands, a variety of cannons… even a ‘sexy’ Bernie costume to try to seduce him, but nothing works. Really, they should just stick with their classic move and channel millions of dollars in dark money into the campaigns of candidates more in line with the DNC’s corporate interests. It worked in 2016.”

Witnesses report the Sanders campaign bus passed easily through the painted tunnel. Immediately after, a dismayed Perez tried to do the same and flattened his face, landing himself in a nearby ICU with massive head and spine injuries.

Disney Breeds Dozens of New Frog Species to Expand National Geographic Streaming Content

Posted on by Grant Mulitz

BURBANK, Calif. — Stating their intent to dramatically increase the wildlife channel’s Disney+ presence, the Walt Disney Company announced today they would begin breeding and genetically enhancing dozens of new frog species to feature in subsidiary National Geographic’s online streaming offerings.

“Following recent advances in gene editing technology, we’re proud to announce hundreds of new original frog species premiering exclusively on Disney+,” said CEO Bob Iger in a statement. “There are different kinds of frogs for every preference: frogs that are fifty feet tall, frogs that walk upright, flying frogs with enormous bat wings, frogs with eight legs, frogs with x-ray vision, and much, much more to come.”

Disney has struggled to grow and diversify National Geographic’s television content since its acquisition in 2019, but this breakthrough marks the House of Mouse’s unprecedented achievement of a lab-grown, marketable frog species with a combination of genes specifically selected to be captured in stunning 4K video.

“It presents exciting new opportunities for our magazine and brand at large,” commented Jean Case, chairman of the National Geographic Society. “Imagine how popular the iconic National Geographic cover would be, adorned with acid-spitting, man-eating amphibians. Even the ancillary disruption of natural biomes and terrorization of native towns could be 90-minute features on their own.”

When pressed for what else is in store for their flagship nature channel, Disney representatives could only say the mutated frogs were part of just the first phase of National Geographic’s expanded-universe Earth.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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