In these modern times, your ex changes your Netflix password so you have to watch “The Mob Doctor” on Crackle like some sort of bored psychopath, and you spend every night swiping endlessly right. TV has the answers, though, and when you get that Netflix account back in your possession, fire up “The Office” (US) like I did and peep these hot dating tips from ol’ Jim Halpert.
1. Aggressively go after someone you work with
A co-worker is a person forced to be in your proximity for 40 hours a week. That’s half the battle! A stressful work environment can, in some cases, warp someone’s worldview temporarily. We spend so much time in the office that it can seem like the office is our whole reality. Take advantage of this! Chances are good that between her workload and your tenacity she will actually begin to forget she has other prospects!
2. Blow Off Your Love Interest’s Special Events So You Can Prank a Coworker
Does your partner keep insisting you go to their art show? Remember to just NOT GO. It’ll create a certain air of importance around whatever else it is you end up doing, like torturing a co-worker by pretending to be a vampire even though you’re like 30.
3. Burden Your Significant Other With Justifying Your Laziness When a New Manager Calls You Out On Fucking Around All Day
Like you, Jim had to deal with obnoxious straight shooters like Charles Miner wanting to “save your job.” It’s a personality clash you shouldn’t have to deal with alone, so don’t be afraid to carry the stress of having to face your shortcomings over to your relationship. The right partner will make sure to justify your worldview and, if lucky, just get pregnant so you don’t ever have to change.
4. Have No Real Goals and, By Proxy, No Real Interest In the Goals of Your Special Someone
Maybe some exes have told you that you don’t want anything, but that’s just not true. You want Reddit servers to not crash so often. You want to have a verified Instagram. You want to get paid to test video games even though you have no marketing or programming experience and you aren’t terribly good at video game. The supposed “big” goals of life can pass you by, and when they do, don’t stop to give them or your partner’s enrollment in art school a second—or first—thought.
5. Make Gigantic Financial Decisions That Affect the Both of You Without Any Sort of Consultation from Your Other Half
Buy your parents’ house, who gives a fuck? Your partner gonna live in their own place and be present in the machinations of their own life or something?
The main thing you can count on is that you’re marginally better than other scumbags your partner has been with. Don’t forget: they’re pretty sure you’re the best they can do, so coast on that all the way to the office and back.