Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

We Look Back on Mötley Crüe’s “Girls Girls Girls” Because We’re in the Middle of a Lap Dance

Posted on February 11, 2020 by Randi Pulator

It’s been over 20 years since Mötley Crüe’s classic album “Girls Girls Girls” was released and now seems like the perfect time to look back on this heavy metal classic. Not because Nikki, Tommy and the boys are about to embark on their second farewell tour, but rather because I am in the middle of a lap dance and that’s what’s playing.

Released in May of 1987… oh really? That’s the year you were born?

Wow. That makes me feel old.

Pardon me, I was speaking with Jasmine… sorry, Ginger. That’s pretty… Is that your real name?

Released in 1987, “Girls Girls Girls” marked a return to the hard rock form Mötley Crüe strayed from on their previous release “Theater of Pain”.

Oh yeah? You did some theater in high school? That’s cool.

From the raucous opening track “Wild Side”… The Champagne Room? Oh no thank you. I’ll just have the one dance. My friends are paying for it.

The album’s titular track, while never cracking the Billboard Top 10, would instantly become a staple in Gentlemen’s Clubs across America, where decades later, it apparently still serves as the go to soundtrack for the “bachelor experience” I am currently engaged in.

Yes, I’m engaged to be married…tomorrow actually. Can we talk about something else?

On the opening track on Side 2 the band sticks to what it knows best; life on the street and drug addiction, with the Nikki Sixx penned “5 Years Dead”, which incidentally, is what I’ll be if my fiance ever finds out about this. I hope to God she doesn’t find out about this.

I didn’t even want to do it. I said “Poker, Beer and Cigars. That’s all I want for my bachelor party”. But NO, my idiot groomsmen have to throw a bag over my head, tie me up, and drop me right in the middle of the stage at the Booby Trap Lounge out by the airport.

Honeymoon? We’re going camping for our honeymoon.

Perhaps in a bid to repeat the success of their monster hit “Home Sweet Home”, side two offers up another big Crüe sing along with “You’re All I Need”. A deceptively sweet sounding ballad about a relationship ending in murder. Which is exactly what is going to happen to me if Claire smells this perfume on me when I get home.

Oh shit, now my friends are forcing me to look back on cocaine.

Lead Singer Sitting Back as Rest of Bandmates Help Him Move to New Apartment

Posted on February 11, 2020 by Bobby Korec

CINCINNATI — Local singer Troy Nickelson of shoegaze band Neon Leggings sat back and watched yesterday as his bandmates moved all of his belongings to a new apartment across town, disgruntled and exhausted sources reported.

“I can’t believe how seamless this move was. It’s almost like I didn’t lift a finger,” Nickelson said, sitting in a room of unopened boxes. “I actually had a pretty crucial job of directing people where to put stuff and reminding everyone how to properly lift with their backs. I would’ve done some physical labor myself, but we have a show tomorrow and can’t have any freak accidents happen to me. It would be too risky for me to be walking up and down five flights of stairs carrying all of this heavy stuff.”

“Could you imagine if someone dropped a heavy box of records onto my hand and I wasn’t able to grasp the mic during the show?” asked Nickelson. “If you really think about it, these meat hooks are probably the most important ones in the band for that reason.”

While bandmates were displeased with Nickelson’s lack of participation in his own move, they were unsurprised by his behavior.

“The guy didn’t even offer us beer or food for the free labor, and pretty much just smoked cigarettes outside the U-Haul van the whole time,” Neon Leggings drummer Kelly Waifer said as she stretched her back. “He kept saying stuff like, ‘Good job, guys’ as he posted Instagram stories of us doing his work. The only difference between this move and any of the shows we play was he didn’t bail on us to go hit on the bartender.”

Professional moving companies have repeatedly noted that singers of bands are some of the most difficult clients.

“It’s damn near impossible to move these guys without several hiccups,” Tyler Chesterfield of On-The-Go Movers said. “We were once hired to move Henry Rollins to a new house, but when we arrived, he hadn’t packed anything into boxes beforehand and fully expected us to repaint his walls. And when we told him that those things were outside the scope of our services, Henry gave us a stern 45-minute lecture about DIY ethics and culture while hiring a couple of guys off TaskRabbit to pack and paint his walls.”

Nickelson allegedly texted his bandmates late last night after they finished, asking if they could come back over to unbox all of his belongings.

Photo by Jerry Lonergan and Jack Bravstein.

Celebrating A24 Executive Just Assumed Parasite Was Theirs

Posted on February 10, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — A24 executive Steven Frank was ecstatic about the momentous Best Picture win at the Oscars for South Korean film Parasite until he realized it was not distributed by his company.

“All I can say is that it is about time A24 was recognized by the Academy,” Frank was overheard saying at the Vanity Fair after-party. “What do you mean not one of ours? It’s a moody, atmospheric thriller set in a foreign country. Who else would have the balls to distribute that?”

According to those familiar with the situation, Frank attempted to go onstage to celebrate with the cast and crew of Parasite before being ushered into the backstage area and given a gift basket.

Mass Effect Devs Still Waiting for Anybody to Find the Secret ‘No Sex’ Ending

Posted on February 10, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

EDMONTON — Nearly eight years after the release of Mass Effect 3, Canadian game developers at BioWare were baffled that not a single person had found the hidden ending of the series, which could only be achieved by not having sex with any of the characters.

“I don’t really think it’s fair to say we should’ve seen this coming,” said Game Director Casey Hudson while refreshing the front page of r/MassEffect for new posts. “Obviously we knew the majority of our fanbase was horny as hell, but literally not one single human being that has beaten the last game was able to resist boning down with everyone and everything in sight. Half the writing staff and most of our artists have considered career-swapping to erotic fiction or drawing hentai on Patreon because of their terrifying power to inspire such insatiable lust in people.”

Sources at BioWare were happy that players enjoyed the romance mechanic, but they expressed disappointment that everyone had missed out on the company’s preferred ending, due to their overwhelming desire to literally fuck their way through the entire series.

“Internally we still refer to it as the ‘Secret Ending’ but in reality, it’s the true ending that I had in mind the whole time,” explained Lead Writer Mac Walters. “Commander Shepard, regardless of which gender you choose to play as, was always intended to be in their prime when played as a powerful volcel just trying to do their best and save the universe. Honestly the whole Paragon/Renegade stuff doesn’t matter, it’s all about whether you fuck or not.”

Walters concluded by lamenting the troubled development of Mass Effect 3, and rejecting the backlash that resulted from fans being “too thirsty” to access the game at its best.

“We moved hundreds of man-hours off the production of the other endings just to make sure this one really shone in the end,” he said of the final installment in the trilogy, which received widespread criticism from fans. “It’s a true shame nobody has seen the only good one.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Ghost Been Trying to Escape Small Town for 163 Years

Posted on February 10, 2020 by Kate Howard

ROCK FALLS, Iowa — Punk ghost Beau Brinkles is hopeful that this year will be the one in which he finally escapes the small hometown he’s been living in for the past 163 years, multiple spooked sources confirmed.

“I’m really going to do it this year,” Brinkles said while floating between the corporeal world and the afterlife. “Sure, I’ve become a bit of a legend, haunting grimy house shows for the past century and a half… but now it’s time to take that household name to real, big city venues. Once I find one that’s not already haunted, that is.”

While Brinkles is confident about the move, local 17-year-old punk Jay Booth, whose basement regularly hosts the ghost of Brinkles, isn’t so sure.

“He’s been haunting my band’s house shows since we formed in 2015, and honestly, he was made to be a small town punk, through and through,” Booth admitted. “Everyone here has known him since the birth of our band, and even though he’s dead, his presence has really kept the punk scene alive in this nothing town. I just can’t see him moving away to a place where people don’t recognize him. Plus, he somehow got completely hooked on heroin in the last couple years, which is a lot more expensive in the city. Everyone knows that good shit’s out here in the sticks anyway.”

Fellow ghost and former grade school teacher Beth Halloway agreed.

“I taught Beau when he was still a real-live human boy, and he was a deadbeat then, too,” Halloway verified. “When he died of TB in 1857 after refusing to wear a shirt with sleeves all winter, I hoped he’d at least make something of his afterlife… but it seems he’s just not cut out for anything other than haunting the skate park, a few of the current punks’ basements and garages, and messing with the horseshoes in my family’s barn. There’s no way he’ll make it anywhere else.”

At press time, Brinkles was heard calling Rock Falls “a real shithole” while also asking local teens, “What’s the move tonight?”

My Mission Won’t End Until We Stop Systemic Injustice or I Sort of Just Lose Interest in It

Posted on February 10, 2020 by Chuck Kowalski

As a privileged member of society, I have the opportunity to leverage that privilege for the good of others. That’s why my battle against the agents of oppression must continue until my dying breath. Or at least until I’m just not really feeling it anymore and I take up, I don’t know, homebrew or something less exhausting.

This struggle doesn’t stop at the keyboard, though. No, it will spill out into the streets running red with the blood of the corrupt. Just not this weekend, Against Me! is at the Fillmore and I’m gonna need a few days to recover.

May this also serve as a call to action for those like me. Remember, there is never an excuse for us to stand on the sidelines while the wheels of inequality turn. Unless you maybe had a really long meeting at the office and feel super tired afterwards. Honestly, it’s probably better to sleep it off than harm the movement by being cranky the whole time, I always say.

So fear not, my underrepresented brothers and sisters! I hear you and promise that I will fight on your behalf every moment I walk this Earth, so long as I’m not taking a maintenance day, or week, to recharge my fascism-crushing batteries or just hang on the couch with some Disney+, you know?

So let me make this clear. I hereby vow to you that I will:

Speak out against public displays of racism, assuming it’s not at a bar or somewhere too loud where it’d be kind of hard to hear.

Support women both inside and outside the workplace. But don’t forget, ladies, we’re on the same team. I’m already an ally so no need to look too deep into my social media.

Champion the rights of non-cis persons everywhere. Unless I’m talking to old people because they just don’t get it. Why waste our precious energy attempting to change minds when we can make snarky comments, right?

I say it now for the whole world to hear: give me victory or give me death… or give me a new, trendy hobby. I think adult kickball starts next week.

Inclusive Frat Guy Draws Both Penises and Vaginas on Passed Out Freshmen

Posted on February 10, 2020 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Inclusive frat guy Dylan Sargosta bravely drew both vaginas and penises on passed out freshmen during Friday night’s party at University of Southern California’s Sigma Chi fraternity, witnesses report.

“I consider myself one kick-ass ally,” Sargosta said, wearing a “this is what a feminist looks like” shirt. “I have a mom and sister, and also bang tons of women, so their struggle is an issue that’s very close to my heart. Whenever I see misrepresentation around me, I do my best to correct the behavior — drawing a few vajayjays alongside my normal load of dicks on these unconscious frosh faces is just how I show support to all those who identify as chicks out there.”

Fellow fraternity members applauded his efforts.

“I woke up to an alarming amount of reproductive organs sketched onto my face after passing out last weekend,” freshman classmate Brodie Weiders said. “I was pretty pissed at Dylan at first, but when he explained that he’s fighting for equality in our hazing rituals and partying traditions, I was totally on board. In fact, I was so inspired, I left a couple of vag depictions on my face all day long to signal to others that I am pro-women and pro-abortion rights in rape cases, obviously. Really hoping my crush noticed that gesture.”

University department heads have long championed inclusion in the school’s curriculum and campus activities, but feel there is even more room for improvement.

“We cram inclusivity into all of our course syllabi,” University Dean Charles Hamptone noted. “However, this isn’t exactly the sort of response we had in mind. We want to encourage our undergraduates to find innovative ways to enact change, yet do so a little more gracefully. For instance, maybe Dylan would benefit from taking human anatomy and nude drawing classes to really sharpen those vaginal depictions. After all, nothing says feminism allyship more than a classroom full of men drawing a woman’s nether regions tastefully for their elective credit.”

At press time, Sargosta and his fraternity brothers were seen chanting “all genitalia matter” at a campus women’s march in what they called “an act of solidarity,” before embarking on their Saturday night routine of “shuttin’ down the titty bar.”

We Look Back on “Odelay” While Simultaneously Texting, Surfing Instagram, and Trying to Finish “The Irishman”

Posted on February 10, 2020 by Ted Pillow

Beck’s genre-defying “Odelay” is considered one of the best albums of the ‘90s, but how does it hold up over 20 years later?

To answer that question, we set aside exactly 54 minutes and 13 seconds of our busy schedules to give “Odelay” the thorough and thoughtful reappraisal it deserves. And we were totally digging the first track, “Devil’s Haircut,” when we noticed that our Instagram post of the ham sandwich we ate for lunch was really blowing up. Sweet!

After responding to a few comments to ensure maximum brand engagement with our followers, we were back jamming to Beck’s seminal classic…when we got interrupted by some tweets about how “The Irishman” is actually Scorsese’s best film. And we were like, “Oh shit! We never finished ‘The Irishman!’”

Fearing exposure to our friends and family as a cinematic philistine, we fired up Netflix and picked up right where we left off (which, unfortunately, was the opening credits). And, trust us, this was not a Pink Floyd/”The Wizard of Oz” situation. The psychedelic grooves of Beck’s “The New Pollution” are not improved by Ray Romano’s voice. Not in the slightest.

Nonetheless, we are professional multimedia multitaskers and we were following along just fine to Beck’s catchy ode to driving a delivery truck in 1950s Philly. Everything was copacetic until our buddy texted us a list of “The Top 100 Podcasts of 2020 (So Far).” The deep seeded fear of missing something that drives our every action started doing somersaults.

Pretty soon we were rockin’ to “Odelay” while simultaneously streaming 2020’s 98th best podcast (“2 Dudes Talkin’ 2 Fast 2 Furious”), using an awesome app that lets you listen at x16 speed. We were totally appreciating Beck’s irreverent lyrics and virtuoso songwriting, although it’s pretty weird that most of the album’s second half is explicitly about Paul Walker.

Anyway, we powered through the last few tracks, only mildly distracted by incoming emails, rereading the annotated edition of Nabokov’s “Pale Fire,” Amazon Prime shopping, “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2,” Pornhub, writing a different retrospective on Pantera’s “Vulgar Display of Power,” and two AMBER Alerts.

Then, to our horror, we discovered that although “Odelay” is Beck’s most well-known album, many critics actually consider the less accessible “Sea Changes” his finest work. What the fuck?!? Now we need to listen to a different, less accessible album and like that one more? Goddamn it! Can’t I just get one hour a day to listen to my audio-book while simultaneously raising my kid?!

28-Year-Old Punk Suggests Game of Edward Sleepytime Tea Hands

Posted on February 10, 2020 by Aidan Sears

EVANSVILLE, Ind. — 28-year-old scene veteran Emilio Diaz surprised partiers at a house show pre-game party last night when he suggested they all forego taping 40 oz. bottles of malt liquor to their hands, and instead binge-drink mugs of Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea, unhyped sources confirm.

“In my prime, I could take anyone in a game of Edward 40-hands,” Diaz said while absent-mindedly rubbing his shoulder that’s been acting up recently. “But now if I play on a Friday night, my body is fucked until Sunday afternoon… and I really shouldn’t be having any stimulants or depressants after 9 p.m. anyway. But this is still a badass game — you gotta pound those teas before your hands get too hot, and if you finish first, you get to be the hero and add some lemon or honey for people who need a second wind.”

Younger pre-gamers were distraught by Diaz, a far cry from the legendary partier of whom they’d heard so many stories.

“I heard that one time he finished a game of 40-hands in 4 minutes, went to the nearest gas station to buy a tallboy of Steel Reserve, then came back and shotgunned it before anyone else was even finished a single 40,” said local drummer and pre-gamer Kellyn Marlowe. “Watching that man — my idol — double-fist hot tea while talking about its benefits for joint health was, to put it mildly, the most depressing moment of my life.”

While most participants went straight home to get a good eight hours of sleep, the few who went to a house show afterward weren’t happy with the game’s effects on the night.

“I slammed both teas in 45 seconds and burned the shit out of my tongue, which sucked,” party animal Derrick Hoss said gingerly. “It’s not nearly as fun as Beer Pong, King’s Cup, or Shot For Shot, but it does give me a nice, warm feeling in my tummy, and doesn’t make me piss myself. I get why people like this sort of thing.”

Diaz was also allegedly seen asking for a good sourdough starter, as he feels “getting into baking seems exciting.”

Photo by John Hill and Dallas Jameson.

Baby Stuck in Development Hell

Posted on February 9, 2020 by Noah Ammerman

BOSTON — In the second quarter of 2016, local married couple Jonah and Sasha Figueroa announced they were starting development on a baby. After nearly three and a half years of setbacks, the project appears to have stalled.

“When we set out on this journey, we knew it would be a long, hard road,” said the couple on Twitter early this morning. “Our family is still committed to making the best baby we can. We owe it to all our steadfast supporters to see this project through.”

Seven months after development commenced, the Figueroas admitted the project had not moved past the early stages yet. To the couple’s credit, they remained transparent about the unexpected struggles that making their first baby presented.

“Sasha and I spent a long time planning how we would approach the development cycle,” said Jonah in a recent interview with his parents. “Once we actually sat down to make the baby, it became clear that passion alone wasn’t enough to get things going.”

A diehard community dedicated to the release of the couple’s baby formed in the years since its announcement, but some among them are starting to express their doubts the project can be completed.

“I love everything the Figueroas have done in the past, so I was really excited when they said they were working on a baby,” gushed Gene Osterman, their next-door neighbor. “But I stand by my previous leaks that the team is having creative differences, and we all know what that means.”

While engaging with their supporters on Facebook, the couple confirmed suspicions that they were unhappy with their previous work on conceiving the child, often taking breaks from production and scrapping aspects of their development structure.

“We’ve tried shifting around positions within the organization, but we haven’t found our perfect fit yet,” lamented Sasha Figueroa. “What’s more, I’m worried that our hardware just isn’t up to the task.”

Supporters had mixed feelings when the couple revealed a public test for their spinoff project, a cat codenamed “Jasper.” Despite initial praise for finally showing something off, the general consensus is that the developers have abandoned their more ambitious project for now.

“For the last few conventions, they’ve shown off the exact same demo of that cat,” sighed Donna Malmberg, a relative of one the lead developers. “While this side project is still being actively supported, I don’t see them making progress on anything else.”

The Figueroas maintain that they are working on the baby with renewed dedication, but have reluctantly agreed they may have bitten off more than they can chew.

“Not trying to make excuses here, but we’re a small team and it’s our first time working on a project of this scale,” confessed Sasha Figueroa. “Jonah and I are seriously considering recruiting additional staff to finish making this baby.”

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