HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Comedian Ricky Gervais stood outside of the Dolby Theater earlier today, hurling insults at passing cars as well as attendees of the 92nd Academy Awards ceremony as they walked the red carpet, reported flummoxed celebrities and theater staff.
“It felt very personal,” said two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks. “I walked over to say hi, and he yells, ‘Oh, look, it’s Tom Hanks — only in Hollywood will they nominate you for an award for pretending to be a nice person.’ I am a nice person. I’m Tom fucking Hanks.”
“He told me I’ll get nominated next year for ‘best outraged performance during crowd cutaways in a Ricky Gervais monologue,’” Hanks added. “Then he called me a cunt.”
Hanks wasn’t the only star finding themselves in Gervais’ crosshairs.
“That pasty son of a bitch was really pushing my buttons,” said Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. “I was on the red carpet and I heard him say, ‘There’s a man so grateful for his success, always thanking his millions of fans around the world. You know who he’ll never thank? The academy.’ Come say that to my face and see what happens, dough boy.”
Security staff responded quickly to the commotion and swiftly removed the controversial Golden Globe host from the premises.
“I personally escorted Mr. Gervais off the premises several times during the festivities,” said head of security Darryl Scurtzbaum. “He kept saying he wouldn’t return, but there he was, all night long. At one point, someone drove by in a Tesla and he says, ‘There goes a juiced-up vehicle for someone who doesn’t realize it’s all over, or as I call it, ‘Rambo: Last Blood.’’ I’m a security professional. You don’t besmirch Sly Stallone in my presence.”
For his part, Gervais was unfazed as he waited in line to pay his valet outside the theater.
“I promise this was the last time I do this,” Gervais said. “When that security goon grabbed me, I thought I was auditioning for Harvey Weinstein. It’s a bit like Roman Polanski after his jacuzzi party, innit? Better make a quick escape before they arrest me.”
Gervais was later spotted at a costume shop, looking for disguises in hopes of crashing the afterparties.
