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Punk Relentlessly Ridiculed for Enjoying Basic Amenity

DELTONA, Fla. — Local punk Lester Paige was mocked for hours by friends and colleagues last night after bringing home a new mattress purchased from a local home goods store, incredulous sources confirmed.

“I’ve been saving up cash for a few months because my back is starting to hurt from sleeping on flattened cardboard. It’s the one thing outside of beer and cigarettes I’ve bought for myself in years,” said Paige, relaxing on the twin-size mattress. “All my roommates roasted me good. It doesn’t help that at least 16 people are living here right now, and they just keep feeding off each other — the first night, it went on so long I didn’t even sleep. People kept coming in my room and calling me ‘Mr. Mattress,’ or ‘Sleeping Beauty.’ It stopped being funny after about 12 hours.”

Fellow residents of punk house Roach Manor admitted they were shocked to see a housemate flaunting what they consider to be a luxury good.

“I thought I was living with a guy who hated capitalism and was willing to fight the system of oppression, but it turns out I’m living with the goddamn King of England,” said Andy “Cheesesteak” Rebane. “If you want a mattress, go grab one off the fucking street. And if it’s soiled, just flip it over — I’m not sure if Lester knows this, but people can’t shit both sides of a bed. Duh. The worst part is, he bought sheets and a blanket to go with the mattress. I guess he’s too good to lay down some newspaper these days.”

Financial experts across the country say it is very common for individuals considered “low income” to be made fun of after purchasing something peers might consider frivolous.

“This just doesn’t happen with punks — many manual laborers we polled reported the same,” said consumer advocate Laura Shea. “For example, if someone came into work with a pair of new boots, coworkers would feign like they were going to pass out from shock and make jokes like, ‘Looks like lunch is on you today.’ One warehouse worker said he quit his job because coworkers kept giving him grief over an air freshener he bought for his 1986 Honda Accord.”

Reports from Roach Manor indicate Paige opened himself up to further ridicule after talking three hot showers within the same week.

Photo by Steven Yuen.