DENVER — Local man Geoff Martins finally accomplished his lifelong dream yesterday, opening Mountain Trail Brewery to specialize in nondescript, bland pilsners and boring lagers averaging around $10 per pint.
“Mountain Trail Brewery is all about tradition, simplicity, and not challenging the norm,” said Martins, who is often seen covered head-to-toe in Patagonia clothing. “That’s why our brewery has a rich selection of lager, pilsner, kolsch, and golden ale beers — each at $9.50 or $10.50, which is very reasonably priced for beer of this quality. I’ve dreamed of this day since I had my first sip of Heineken at the age of 20. Don’t tell my dad. Ha ha!”
“I can’t stand this new trend of juicy, hazy IPAs and adventurous stouts with exotic flavors,” Martins later added. “When our head brewmaster suggested we develop a pale ale, I slapped him and fired him on the spot — he didn’t understand our ethos, and there’s no room for loose cannons at this operation. Plus, I still think pales are a little too spicy for the average customer.”
Customers seemed to somewhat enjoy Mountain Trail Brewery’s overpriced creations with a muted enthusiasm.
“Yeah, this Trailhead Lager isn’t bad or anything… but I don’t see myself coming back unless someone has a birthday party here or something,” explained Denver resident Lori Mandelli. “$9.50 is a lot for a PBR knockoff. Plus, there’s not too much going on in the facility itself: there’s not even cornhole, or darts. I overheard the founder say those games are ‘too dangerous.’ And when I asked the bartender to change the television channel to the Nuggets game, he said that was against company policy. Apparently, customers are only allowed to watch the Weather Channel.”
Beer industry experts cite operations such as Mountain Trail Brewery as evidence of a beer bubble.
“Each market can only withstand so many milquetoast varieties of beer before it will start to cannibalize itself,” explained Todd Alström, founder of Beer Advocate. “Your average cargo shorts-wearing beer fan already found his preferred lager and feels no need to venture outside of his taste buds’ comfort zone. Breweries either have to come up with some shit like pork belly-flavored sours, or get left behind.”
Martins is allegedly already considering his next business endeavor: a vineyard that will produce an aggressively generic Merlot at $55 a bottle.