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XFL Players Only Kneeling During Anthem Due to Untreated Concussions

WASHINGTON — XFL players from the Seattle Dragons and DC Defenders kneeling during the National Anthem at the league’s inaugural game were merely suffering from untreated concussions and not making a political statement, league sources dressed in bright orange suits and only speaking through megaphones confirmed.

“I’m not taking a stand against anything. I’m just far too dizzy to actually stand up right now,” noted DC Defenders quarterback Cardale Jones. “During pre-game warm-ups, a bunch of 50-year-old dudes dressed like teenagers came up to me and asked if I wanted to join something called D-Generation X… I guess McMahon added a 9th team or something? When I said no, they started kicking my ass and powerbombed me through the Spanish announce team’s table.”

The XFL, relaunched by WWE CEO Vince McMahon after a single failed season in 2001, has vowed that any player who takes a knee during the anthem will face unspecified consequences.

“USA! USA! USA!” shouted a shirtless McMahon while waving a large American flag over his head. “I promised XFL fans our league would have no kneeling, and by God, I meant it. Will I fire players for kneeling? Hell no! If I catch anyone disrespecting our great nation, they’ll spend halftime with the Undertaker and Kane… in the ‘Hell in a Cell!’”

Although McMahon is serious about presenting a product free of politics and human expression, sources note internal concern over his claim that the XFL won’t be treated like an extension of the WWE.

“He’s running this thing like it’s the glory days of pro wrestling,” stated Seattle Dragons team physician Dr. Henry Lipscomb. “He keeps telling me that drug testing ‘isn’t Xtreme,’ and that I’m only allowed to prescribe expired painkillers and handfuls of cocaine from this bag we recovered from the ’80s. The league’s Head of Player Safety is Brutus ‘the Barber’ Beefcake, for Christ’s sake.”

At press time, McMahon had gathered the concussed players to show them an old wrestling trick for “un-concussing yourself” using a 12-pack of Schlitz, a backpack full of baby aspirin, and an extremely tight tie-dye bandana.