Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Not Voting in 2020 Determined to Prove Unclear Point

Posted on February 8, 2020 by Bobby Korec

HOUSTON — Registered Libertarian Dale Kramerson announced today that he will not be voting in the 2020 presidential election as an act of defiance and to demonstrate an ambiguous and poorly thought-out objective, bewildered friends reported.

“Voting is actually one of the least effective ways to exercise your civic duty, and you’re all sheep if you believe otherwise,” Kramerson said while using a copy of “Atlas Shrugged” to do bicep curls. “As a lifelong Libertarian who just happens to have voted Republican for all 30 of my balloting years, I can tell you that these candidates are all the same. I love my country as much as the next guy, but things need to change big time around here before any of these candidates earn my precious vote.”

“Also, I don’t have a car and the polling station is like, a 20-minute walk away. No, thank you,” he added.

Friends of Kramerson were confused, yet unsurprised by his strong conviction towards voter abstention.

“I’m not sure he fully understands how voting works,” lifelong friend Rachel Gleyber noted. “Or Libertarianism, for that matter. He’s staunchly against entitlements, yet collects unemployment. He vehemently opposes taxes, but dreams of the day when he can start receiving social security. He despises ‘Obamacare’ but gleefully benefits from the Affordable Care Act. He just doesn’t connect the dots.”

For their part, conservative leaders commended registered voters who are committed to sit back and wait for the absolute “perfect” candidate to run before participating in the election process.

“Voter suppression is hot right now,” Republican leader Vince Guyman said with a hearty cackle. “So it’s great to see our Libertarian cohorts willingly carry out voter absenteeism all on their own, without GOP leaders having to resort to complex gerrymandering and voter ID tactics — it makes our jobs much easier. We like our voters to exert high moral principles, but have very little substance or clear objective in their message. We have a saying among conservative strategists: ‘A vote for no one is a vote for Republicans.’ We hope to keep the voter disillusionment rolling in 2020.”

At press time, Kramerson was sharing an original meme of Sam Elliott in a cowboy hat that read, “Taxation is theft, but that’s just my opinion” on Facebook.

I May Be Your Service Animal, but That Doesn’t Mean I Have to Like You

Posted on February 8, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

Let’s get one thing straight. I didn’t come here to make friends. I’m here for one thing and one thing only. I’m your goddamn service animal.

This is a job. I am not some dumb little “pet.” I am a highly skilled laborer who is exchanging my services for your goods. In short, you give me Purina and squeaky toys, and I make sure you don’t cry on the bus.

You are not my friend and, quite frankly, it’s sad that you’re naive enough to think so. You’re not my “owner.” I’m a beast, a wild animal. I have no gods, no masters. And even if I did, they wouldn’t have roommates like you do.

Truth be told, I don’t care for you. I help you with your bitch ass “anxiety” because that’s my job, and I believe in maintaining a good work ethic. We are not friends. We are co-workers.

I worked hard to get where I am today. I didn’t come from money. I was born under a rusty ferris wheel at the state fair. When I was 6 months old, my father went out for some Milkbones and never came back. Eventually I ended up in the pound, where I joined M-Bark, an organization that helps wayward pups on their journey of self improvement. I did my time and eventually was released on good-boy behavior.

Which brings us here. I am highly trained professional. I am not to be trifled with. Like right now, I know you didn’t throw that ball. You simply showed it to me and then moved your arm while holding on to it, and now you’re hiding it behind your back. Try to fuck with me and I’ll fuck your leg while your in-laws are here for dinner.

I would actually love to see you fail so that I can be reassigned. Who has four paws ate all of your tax documents? This “good boy”, that’s who.

I don’t care about the music you listen to, what movies you like, the clothes you wear. You wanna try to dress me up in a bow tie or sunglasses? That’s your business, and don’t expect me to make it easy for you. I’m a career minded pooch, only in this for the money, the bitches, and the occasional belly rub.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go lick my own asshole in front of your guests.

Every Member of Chillwave Band Fighting to Establish Themself as the Beta

Posted on February 8, 2020 by Ted Pillow

SAN DIEGO — Members of chillwave band Hookah Sesh are engaged in a heated internal struggle to establish the beta of the group, according to sources increasingly frustrated with the band’s inability to do anything but smoke weed on the couch.

“Chillwave bands have their own unspoken rules and complex hierarchies,” explained Hookah Sesh frontman Jordy Miller as he attempted to roll a joint while lying facedown on a futon. “Joining a chillwave band is sort of like going to prison, but the opposite: if you don’t walk in on the first day and immediately show everyone you’re the least threatening, most submissive motherfucker in the room? You’re done, man. Kaput. Finished.”

San Diego scene members confirmed that Hookah Sesh are known for their adherence to the chillwave genre’s strict anti-DIY code — a philosophy that’s created many challenges.

“It’s hard for us to get shit done, dude,” claimed keyboardist Keegan Murray while hanging out down by the beach and hoping someone would remember to feed or water him. “Everybody’s worried they’re going to jeopardize their standing in the band by doing something super not-chill, like making us a Bandcamp, or designing a flyer, or learning how to play their instrument or something. We’ve only ever gone on one tour, and it’s because we all just accidentally showed up at the same parties every night for three weeks straight.”

Hookah Sesh’s unwavering devotion to vibing out and going with the flow has allegedly created problems for those outside the band as well.

“I actually managed to book them for a show once,” said promoter Andrea Lafferty. “They went onstage at 7:00 p.m., but didn’t start until 9:00 p.m. because they were all just staring at each other, waiting for someone else to play the first note. Then they played one seemingly improvised synth song about boogie boarding and wandered off-stage. Believe it or not, it was the best chillwave show I’ve ever booked.”

Despite their growing pains, Hookah Sesh is still reportedly spending quality time together, and are currently in the midst of binge-watching their TV’s screensaver for nine straight hours.

Andrew Yang Promises Universal Basic Exposure for Every Band in America

Posted on February 7, 2020 by Jordan Breeding

MANCHESTER, N.H. — Democratic Presidential candidate Andrew Yang explained his promise to ensure Universal Basic Exposure to every band in America at the Democratic debate earlier tonight.

“I want every artist across America to feel well-compensated for their work, and there is no better way to do that than exposure,” said Yang during a brief break from verbally berating Boston Dynamics’ latest robot. “Because of lack of opportunity, it won’t be long before we experience a dramatic decrease in live, human-fronted bands as festival slots are increasingly given to entirely automated artists — like latter-day Coldplay.”

“We must ensure every band in America gets a minimum level of exposure before it’s too late, and Imagine Dragons releases a new album, or mixtape, or whatever the shit,” Yang added.

Yang repeatedly claimed exposure is “just as good as cash” and is ultimately more important for smaller bands hoping to “totally blow up” than any financial rewards. But some musicians remain skeptical.

“Yang promised tons of promoters at every show and that he will personally attend every concert, but I think I’d probably prefer to pay my rent and eat twice a day,” said Jenny Block, lead guitarist of the small-time punk band Toe Crust. “Well, unless Yang can get the guy in charge of Warped Tour booking to be at our next gig. They haven’t announced this year’s lineup yet, right? Seems like they’re really taking their time.”

Even if Yang does manage to convince a majority of bands, he’s likely to find resistance among the many venue owners who believe band exposure should be left to the free market.

“When the Constitution was written, it was assumed Capitalism would naturally determine which bands were deserving of people at their shows. America was founded on venues keeping 90% of artist ticket sales. Jesus, read a book,” said Sleazy Dave, the owner of local punk venue Moon Palace. “Yang would turn the scene into a welfare state where venues are forced to subsidize audiences for lazy, freeloading bands. Can you imagine? Thomas Jefferson is probably rolling in his grave.”

Yang was later seen watching local band Toby’s Tomato play their opening number in a public gazebo and deeply regretting his campaign promises.

TMZ Reporter Camps Out for Days Waiting for Popular Twitch Streamer to Leave House

Posted on February 7, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

BEACHWOOD, Ohio — A TMZ reporter tasked with tracking down a popular Twitch streamer has now been staked outside their home for four days, waiting for the gaming celebrity to stop streaming and finally leave their house.

On Thursday, reporter Vance Doogan set out on assignment to track down IronD.Va, a Twitch streamer who has amassed millions of fans over the past few months. Doogan set out to ambush the streamer, only to be stuck camping outside their home for days on end hoping for an opportunity to question them.

“I don’t even know who this person is, but TMZ told me they were famous,” explained a puzzled, sleepless Doogan. “Usually I just catch celebrities in an airport and shove a camera in their face. But I’ve barely seen this person move, let alone step outside. Maybe they’re dead? Maybe I’ll just say they’re dead.”

Doogan had been hoping to quickly catch IronD.Va and ask them invasive questions about what other streamer they are currently dating. However, after four days of waiting, Doogan hadn’t seen any other human being enter or exit the house, leaving him to wonder if IronD.Va has any personal life at all.

Meanwhile, IronD.Va remained indoors, alternating between sleeping and streaming for 16 hours every day to maintain their continued popularity.

“People think it’s really glamorous to be a streamer, but honestly it’s kind of depressing,” IronD.Va immediately explained to a random fan who asked for a comment on the situation in Twitch chat. “I’m working 24/7 and I don’t have time to do much else. I wish there was an easy way for someone to get direct communication with me, but it’s just not in my schedule. Anyways, thanks for the follow! Talk to you in four hours, chat!”

In response to repeated requests for paparazzi access, IronD.Va has officially launched a new tier on their Patreon, which will give reporters exclusive one-on-one time with the streamer for $50 a month, which they’re hoping will help them cover food.

Palpable Sexual Chemistry Between Folk Duo Expressed Through Repeated Stomps on Empty Suitcase

Posted on February 7, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

CONCORD, N.H. — The undeniable sexual chemistry emanating off of local folk duo The Barncat Brigade was communicated through stomps on an empty suitcase in full view during a show at Timmy’s Pub this past Friday, audience members confirmed.

“The whole performance was borderline pornographic. When they launched into ‘If I Were A Carpenter,’ I expected a full-on fuck fest, but thankfully they had that suitcase filling in as a bass drum so they could blow off some steam,” said Timmy’s regular Teddy Winslow. “I fully expected the girl to throw down her violin in a fit of ecstasy and ravage her partner, but they both held it together, somehow.”

Timmy O’Hannagan, the proprietor of Timmy’s Pub, admitted that the display of raw sexual energy was not what he had expected.

“When they showed up, I didn’t think much of them — a couple of plain-looking folk you wouldn’t give a second glance. But brother, as soon as they started playing, I swear to the good Lord above it was like watching a nature documentary,” said O’Hannagan. “The way he would whistle and clap while she lost herself in a groove, I’m starting to get a little hot under the collar just thinking about it. At one point, she got the audience to sing along to ‘Country Roads’ and I swear an orgy almost broke out. I’m so glad there were no children here.”

The Barncat Brigade vocalist and bouzouki player Tanner Abrams claimed the sexual tension is a common occurrence.

“Listen, we get it. Two people can’t play folk standards together without it seeming like foreplay that leads to sex so filthy there are still laws against it in some Southern states,” said Abrams after the band’s set, still glistening with sweat and radiating pheromones that drew fauna from nearby woods. “Yes, Theresa and I are very sexually active. If you think our vocal harmonies are something special, then you should see us between the sheets… or in the venue bathroom, or wherever we decide to unleash hell on each other.”

Audience members reported that the following act, a brother and sister duo, really killed the vibe of the room.

Parents Main Youngest Son

Posted on February 7, 2020 by Collin Canning

BRIGHAM CITY, Utah — Parents of seven and familial strategists Angela and Brent Fuller have been consistently maining their youngest son Kevin, neglected sources report.

“You gotta put a lot of time into your main,” Brent Fuller stated, pointing to a picture of Kevin alongside his six older siblings. “Kevin is the newest addition to the roster but he quickly became our go-to child. I mean, I like some of the other characters in this family, don’t get me wrong, but when it comes down to it, I’m a Kevin guy.”

Erin Fuller, the Fuller’s previous main and second youngest in the family, confirmed the Fullers’ new main, claiming that they regularly buy the kinds of cereal Kevin likes, and often take him with them on trips while everyone else stays home.

“It’s kind of ridiculous, Kevin wasn’t even in the OG lineup but Dad says I’m just a purist when I mention that,” she said from the bedroom she shares with her brother, Marc, who reportedly used to be his parent’s strong second before being nerfed by an asthma diagnosis last year.

“I used to be top tier but since the roster change I’ve barely seen any action, it’s bullshit,” she continued. “I didn’t even get a stocking last Christmas.”

Fuller’s oldest son, Marth Fuller, weighed in on the strategy of prioritizing Kevin.

“They just pick him without fail these days,” said Marth, himself a father of two. “It’s understandable, I guess, but with my own kids I try to alternate mains. For example, our youngest, Sacha, is strong with team sports and our boy, William, is a shoo-in for a private grade school, so we just try to play to their strengths.”

The Fullers have responded to the allegations of giving Kevin preferential treatment by releasing a statement inviting any children of theirs unhappy with their status in the latest pro tier rankings to start “getting good.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

How I Became an Entrepreneur Just by Saying It out Loud a Whole Bunch

Posted on February 7, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Being an entrepreneur is a mindset. Something you have to put out into the world every moment you can. I achieved my entrepreneurship status through straight up hustling and telling as many people as I could. The trick is to treat every person you meet as a potential networking opportunity. See them as tools to get you what you want, if you will.

To get the word out as efficiently as possible, I use Instagram. I changed my account name to “intrepid_leader” and took a photo of myself in front of a public restroom mirror at LAX airport for my profile. You could also snap a pic in the middle of getting your pump on at the gym. Entrepreneurs are always taking photos of themselves at airports and gyms as a sign that they’re crushing it in the real world. If you happen to find an airport with a gym, even better. I’m already up to 115 followers. So blessed.

To maintain entrepreneur energy, a majority of my time is spent slapping inspirational quotes onto photos of well-dressed alpha males, like Christian Bale from American Psycho with a phrase like, “I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.” Use a quote that will really inspire your audience and use like 20 hashtags to let everyone know that you grind harder than everyone else.

Once in a while I post a photo of myself standing in front of a Tesla. Don’t worry, if you’re like me and can’t afford one, just keep an eye out for one in the streets. Whenever I spot a parked Model S, I snap a quick selfie in front of it before anyone sees me. That’s called hustle.

Something us internet entrepreneurs always say is, “you don’t need talent, you need hard work.” Maybe it’s the Adderall talking but as someone who doesn’t have talent, this quote really speaks to me. It inspires me to put in 110% effort at the multi-level marketing company I work for.

And always remember: The Wolf of Wall Street is a Christmas movie.

Man Embarrassed to Buy Tampons Severely Mistaken In Thinking Anyone Notices Him Ever

Posted on February 7, 2020 by John Danek

FRESNO, Calif. — Local boyfriend and overall totally unremarkable guy Brian Cromwall utterly debased himself to do his girlfriend a solid yesterday by buying her a 36-pack of tampons and was noticed by exactly zero people, no one reported.

“I can never show my face at the south Fresno Dollar General again. No one there will ever forget this,” whispered a red-faced Cromwall, who went unnoticed by the entire staff as well as fellow shoppers. “I bet everyone within a quarter mile of that store is telling all their friends about the guy buying tamps to shove up in himself. I could totally tell everyone in there was being all sly and craning their necks, widening their judgmental eyes.”

“I’m positive someone already posted a Boomerang of me on Insta and Johnny Knoxville regrammed it,” Cromwall continued, his face obscured by sunglasses and his hoodie. “Kids are probably doing TikTok dances with Playtex boxes making fun of me. I’m never doing this again.”

Witnesses were apparently so shocked by the cringe-inducing display that no one could remember any exact, or even vague, details.

“Who? You’re going to have to be more specific,” stated Dollar General cashier Donna Radley. “People buy tampons all the time, it’s not a big deal. Who gives a shit? You’re going to have to give me some clues to jog my memory. I’m guessing it was some self-important white guy who thinks everyone cares what he does?”

Experts claim tampon-induced trauma is not a new phenomenon, and has affected boyfriends and husbands for decades.

“Buying feminine products is only a big deal to sitcom characters and insecure guys who haven’t shaken the toxic masculinity of their childhoods,” explained relationship expert Dr. Shawna Reece. “So I’m not surprised Ryan… or wait, is it Brian? I cannot for the life of me remember his name. But anyway, in the average American male’s mind, he is the protagonist of a critically-acclaimed movie whose every thought and motion is worthy of notice. In reality, no one could care less what they do, and many are even bothered by their presence.”

As of press time, a self-deprecating Facebook status Cromwall posted about the ordeal was scrolled past without a second glance by dozens of people who can’t recall how they even know that guy.

Star Wars Porn Parody Changes Luke and Leia to Just Step Siblings

Posted on February 7, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

MONTREAL — Representatives from Brazzers have confirmed that their highly anticipated nine-part pornographic Star Wars parody series will modify the canon so as to make the Luke and Leia characters merely step siblings instead of nuclear twins.

“Let’s be clear, we’re totally into the incest angle, that’s like 99% of our current output,” writer/director Engorge Lucas stated, while proudly displaying his handwritten 4-page script. “But actual incest tends to be distracting to viewers and take them out of it, so we made that change to the lore. Owen and Beru made Luke biologically in our story, as the opening title crawl explains in great steamy detail.”

Stars of the film were especially elated with the change because it opened them up to other orgy-related possibilities now that almost no characters were related by blood.

“By making Leia a step sibling, she’s also now a step daughter, so we get to bone too,” said James Earl Moans, the actor playing Darth Laid-Her. “It especially made everyone on set more comfortable when Padme joined in. It was a little tricky figuring out a way for everyone to be able to get it on, but Engorge is just such a visionary. We’re just getting started, too. Wait until we get to The Bone Wars!”

The reception to the sneak peeks given to the new series of films thus far have inspired mostly positive responses from Star Wars superfans, a historically fractious group.

“I prefer to see anatomical holes, not plot holes, and this looks like it’s going to deliver,” said Samantha Harris, a longtime fan. “Also, no actual incest, so it’s like kind of okay, when you think about it, right? Anyway, this is shaping up to be a nonology for the ages, a space opera with wall to wall boinking!”

The first film in the series will be released this summer. Brazzers has promised many other titillating things in their new franchise, even hinting at a fully shaved Chewbacca in a recent social media post.

Check out the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News