We Wanted to Do a Retrospective on The Clash’s London Calling but Our Older Brother Says We Can’t Borrow It Cuz He’s Listening to It

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

“London Calling” is not just a landmark album for punk music. It is a major cornerstone of the entire rock music genre. We went to revisit this masterpiece and do a deep dive into its flawless 20 tracks. Unfortunately, our older brother Todd has the vinyl and he said we can’t because he’s listening to it.

God, he always does this! Guess we could stream the album but it doesn’t sound the same. Mom says she’ll make him give it to us when he’s done listening but we think she’s secretly hoping we’ll find something else to do and forget.

We were gonna play it on our dad’s sick turntable while wearing his vintage 1970’s Toshiba 4-channel stereo headphones. We had this whole anecdote about the first time we heard Lost In The Supermarket but Todd had to go and fucking ruin it.

Okay at least he’s listening to it on speakers and we can kinda hear it through the door. The first five tracks hold up pretty nicely. A little muffled through the door though, plus Todd turned down that one part in the title track where Joe Strummer goes, “alike alike alike” with that cool echo just because he knows we like it.

Hateful is a good song, we guess. It would sound a whole lot better on 180 gram clear vinyl Japanese import that MOM SAID WE ARE SUPPOSED TO SHARE! Talk about a Clampdown. Or maybe not because we can’t figure out what the song is about since it’s impossible to make out the lyrics through the door. Not that they were much help to begin with, that song is pretty vague. We bet Todd doesn’t even know that the brass section was dubbed “The Irish Horns” because he’s a stupid dumb jerkbutt and I’m this close to telling mom.

Okay, we hear “Train in Vain” so he’s gonna be done soon. Damn, was this album always so long? Feels bloated. We’re actually kind of bored with this and we’re just gonna watch Twin Peaks instead. Wait, where are my DVDs? Dammit Todd, give them back. You stalled out in Season 2. You aren’t going to finish it! Mom!!

Best Coast and Red Hot Chili Peppers Protest New California Law Limiting Artist to 35 Songs About State Per Year

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Founding members of rock outfits Best Coast and Red Hot Chili Peppers are protesting a contentious new law that caps the amount of songs an artist is allowed to write per year about the state of California.

“This law is unconstitutional and straight up wrong-along-a-bing-a-bong-a,” said Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis. “I don’t want lawmakers who have no idea how songwriting works to tell me that I can’t write a song about the gritty streets of downtown Los Angeles where the freaks go to show their mojo. We have at least 80 songs about just the San Fernando Valley ready to go, and this law means that a vast majority of our music will never see the light of day.”

“Flea is planning on releasing a bass-only double LP about the 101 in March, and this law fucks that up, too,” added Kiedis.

Best Coast’s Bethany Cosentino agreed, claiming the law is a blatant case of government overreach.

“Our elected officials are putting their hands in our pockets and taking our money. If I only publish 35 songs about California this year, I’ll earn less than a third of my normal income,” said Cosentino. “And what’s next? Today they limit our ability to write about the Golden State, tomorrow they say we can’t write songs about getting high, or our exes? I’ll have to move to Europe if they start passing legislation that says I can only write a certain number of songs about my cat.”

However, California governor Gavin Newsom defended the bill and believes it will be a boon to artists.

“This law is meant to open up opportunities for new musicians to write the new great ballad of California and challenge established musicians to finally write about something else,” said Newsom. “As a consumer of all genres of music, including many Latino artists, I want to not only hear songs about this great state, but also songs about baseball, and maybe a few songs about getting funky with your pals.”

In related news, reports from the Texas state capitol in Austin indicate a large crowd of gun-wielding country musicians are gathering to prevent passage of similar laws restricting songs about the Lone Star state.

[SPOILERS] Rumored Card for “Beyond Championship Wrestling” Network Pilot

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

According to one source within the organization, these appear to be the matches the Beyond Wrestling General Manager is planning for “Beyond Championship Wrestling” at the Melrose Memorial Hall in Melrose, Massachusetts on March 1:

For Control Of The Company:
– Vin Gerard vs. Denver Colorado

Tournament To Crown The First Beyond Championship Wrestling Champion:
– Anthony Bowens
– Mike Verna
– Richard Holliday
– Robo The Punjabi Lion

Hardcore Rules:
– Matthew Justice vs. SLADE

Also In Action:
– Former NCAA Division I Athlete Josh Briggs
– As Seen On “WWE Network” Anthony Greene
– “The Ultimate Fighter: Team Lesnar vs. Team dos Santos” Star Chuck “Cold Steel” O’Neil
– “Major Wrestling Figure” Podcast Producer Mark Sterling

The source notes that a title match between Chris Dickinson and Nick Gage was pitched to the General Manager but they didn’t think it would be a “network-friendly fit” for the new direction of the promotion. Negotiations continue with multiple former television wrestling superstars for the event.

For tickets, click the image.

White Claw® Files Lawsuit Against Similarly Named Racist Black Metal Band

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

CHICAGO — Popular spiked seltzer brand White Claw filed a copyright infringement lawsuit yesterday against a National Socialist black metal band of the same name, according to public legal records.

“Branding is king. If we let this band continue to promote their heinous views about the Holocaust under the internationally recognized banner we’ve worked so hard to cultivate, it will be disastrous,” said P.R. rep Cameron Beddington while double-fisting grapefruit White Claws. “They think they’re gonna ride our coattails? As a Harvard MBA/JD that pounds 12 of these bad boys a day, I can definitively tell you, that, in fact, there are laws when you’re ripping off Claws.”

“Alright, we’re done here,” he added. “I gotta hit the gym.”

The band White Claw is fighting back, however, claiming they came up with the name years ago.

“We filed a countersuit because these parasites ripped us off,” claimed lead singer Gavin Atwood. “If people start associating White Claw with little college kids trying to get buzzed, it will ruin us. When you hear the name White Claw, you should only think of blistering black metal that promotes purity of the white race. The worst part about this whole ordeal is finding a lawyer who can represent us in court and represent us as people as well.”

Fans of both the drink and band expressed disappointment that the two could not come to an agreement, wanting both to continue production.

“I’ve been a fan of the band for years because I relate to their lyrics about tradition and stopping the upcoming white genocide, and I love that spiked seltzer, because it lets me stay on Keto but also get balls-to-the-wall sloshed,” responded Ashley Harmon, mixing her White Claw with a Bang energy drink in preparation for an Instagram influencer photo shoot. “That loud metal gets all my rage out, and when I don’t have carbs I turn into a monster, so they compliment each other perfectly.”

At press time, investors in a new energy shot company called Burzum were desperately trying to get their money back after googling the name.

This Couple Died on the Same Day After Being Married for 55 Years and Getting Hit by My Car

Posted on by Mark Maira

It’s not often that you get to be part of a love story that spans decades, affects generations, and captures the country’s heart. I’m proud to say that I was part of Eli and Joan Dershowitz’s love story. This happened when in an early morning car accident on October 17th, 2019, I helped them die on the same day by hitting them with my vehicle.

Yes, according to police reports I did, “drag their bodies 25 yards across the road, hitting two fire hydrants, as (I)backed out of (my) driveway”. That being said, I’m able to see the beauty in the fact that they never stopped holding hands during the entirety of the brutal impact and dragging with my vehicle.

I always loved that they would take walks together at the same time, every morning, right past my house. They’d always gaze into each other’s eyes with such a loving look, even after being married for so long. It’s most likely why they didn’t see my backing out of my driveway at the time of impact. Maybe there’s some truth to that old adage “love is blind.”

Look, we can all agree that in the eyes of the law I am technically “at fault” for the death and partial dismemberment of the couple. Of course, I will also take credit for giving their family such a wonderful opportunity to celebrate a marriage that has lasted so long.

We can point fingers all day at who was negligent and who collapsed their father’s skull with a minivan bumper while texting their boss that they were going to be a little late. But, isn’t it beautiful that they were given the gift of leaving this Earth as two souls intertwined into one? Because trust me, they were intertwined into one. Isn’t that a love story you’d like an obituary to tell to your grandchildren?

Rock 97X FM Honors Deceased Morning Zoo Crew DJ “Ass-Boy Jenkins” with 12 Panty-Gun Salute at Funeral

Posted on by Mark Maira

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Daryl Jenkins, also known by his radio persona “Ass-Boy Jenkins,” was honored with a 12 Panty-Gun salute over the weekend when he was laid to rest at Mt. Hope Park Cemetery, distraught sources confirmed.

“Ass-Boy was always willing to go the extra mile. He was the guy ready to fill up an extra puke bucket, or shart the hardest in the 97X fart-box sponsored by Dunkin Donuts,” host of “The Morning Hangover” Ray-Ray Black eulogized before the salute. “We lost one of the greatest sidekicks in radio history. Your service on the Boob Patrol is finally over. Rest easy, Ass-Boy — you’re watching foxy boxing with God now.”

Jenkins died last week after falling off the roof of the Lindale Mall during a Rock 97X FM “Balls on the Mall” promotion.

“Daryl would have been so honored by the 12-Panty Gun salute. As a child, he was always the boy who brought Playboy magazines to school… and as an adult, he was a champion of body positivity, as seen in his recurring segment ‘Chubby Chasing’ where he paid fat chicks to sit on his face in the studio,” sobbed Mary Jenkins, mother of the deceased. “In his will, which was sponsored by ‘XXX Toys and Vids,’ he specifically asked to be buried with three novelty blow up sex dolls — one for each year he worked at ‘The Morning Hangover.’”

Funeral Director Yolanda Green explained how her staff made the 12-Panty Gun salute work to celebrate the beloved Ass-Boy.

“It took a lot of phone calls… specifically to the FAA to avoid low-flying planes during the salute,” said Green. “We also had to make sure none of the undergarments hit any of the waterfowl that live in the pond that borders our land. While we couldn’t accommodate their first choice of thong panties, a larger panty did help with wind resistance.”

97X FM Program Director Mike “Stryker” Battaglia ended the ceremony by pouring out a half-gallon tub of K-Y Jelly on top of Jenkins’ casket as it was lowered into the ground.

Bruce Willis to Portray Asshole in Upcoming Documentary

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Famed thespian and total dickhead Bruce Willis will reportedly appear alongside several other interviewees in Good Fellas and Pretty Women, an upcoming documentary about Hollywood in the early 1990s.

“We got a lot of big names for this thing so far,” said Wayne Platt, director of the film. “Tom [Hanks] and Keanu [Reeves] gave us some great stuff. But what I really needed for the movie was an interview with an honest to god piece of shit that was there and would tell it like it was. When Bruce Willis answered a question about Hudson Hawk with a tirade about how he wasn’t respected enough as a musician, I knew we’d found the perfect asshole for our film!” 

Arriving several hours late to the shoot, Willis was reportedly rude to the hair and makeup crew before ultimately confronting the director about a miscommunication regarding the refreshments that would be provided to him. After giving several terse answers to Platt’s open ended questions, Willis stormed off of the set, giving the director exactly what he’d hoped to capture at the day’s shoot. 

“What can I say? My client is a pro,” said Willis’ long time agent Jackie Finch. “You need an asshole, why not get an A-list asshole? Lots of Hollywood celebrities can rub people the wrong way, but how many people bailed on a cameo in The Expendables 3 because they felt three million dollars in four days wasn’t enough money? There’s only one Bruce Willis, and some would say even that is too many.” 

Fans and collaborators of Willis’ were vocally excited about seeing him take on a role of this nature.

“Oh man, can’t wait to see this flick,” said Kevin Smith, who described working with Willis on Cop Out as “soul crushing.” “I’ve Been a fan of Bruce’s work all my life and would love to see what he could do playing a character like this that’s so close to home for him. The fucking asshole.”

Good Fellas and Pretty Women is aiming for a release in early 2021. Meanwhile, as of press time, they’re probably making another fucking Die Hard movie or something.

Check out the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

A Comprehensive Guide of What You’re Allowed to Wear When Fighting Fascism

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

When fighting for a cause it’s important to keep ourselves in check. We must ask one another important questions like, “How are we affecting real change?” “What are we doing to further our cause?” and “Where’d you get that shirt? The baby section at Hot Topic? Ew.”

When fighting fascism you want to wear clothing that immediately identifies your political leanings and you should avoid anything that is aligned with certain unpopular ideologies. The world of direct action can be difficult to navigate, but luckily we have created a comprehensive guide of what you’re allowed to wear while fighting fascism.

You’re not allowed to wear any mass produced band shirts. Actually, you can’t wear any shirts that were manufactured by major corporations. Basically no logos unless it’s a homemade Antifa patch or a band from Crass records. Well, not all of Crass records. “Dirt” is okay and I don’t think MDC has done anything wrong. Penny Rimbaud comes from money though, so not him. Also Steve Ignorant might be an asshole. Any band from Crass records except Crass.

Definitely no sports logos because sports promote tribalism and that is inherently fascistic. Unless you’re an indigenous person because then you’re actually part of a tribe. Still, you can only wear non-offensive sports logos, we think. Not sure how that works. Okay, how about this: if you are native please write that on your face covering so we know not to get offended.

You can’t wear red shoelaces because RAC skinheads wear them. You can’t wear blue shoelaces because I think that’s bad too. No one has gotten back to me regarding what type of jacket you’re allowed to wear if it’s unseasonably cold.

For more information regarding what you can and cannot wear while fighting fascism, please consult the 4000-page handbook which was thrown through your car window last night. Keep in mind that it is constantly being updated as we find newer and more efficient ways to gate-keep our fellow comrades.

Deceased Sober Punk with No Tattoos Unable to be Buried in Straight Edge Cemetery

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

NORFOLK, Va. — The Virginia straight edge scene is split today after a controversial ruling left recently deceased member Daniel Vitberg unable to be buried in the community cemetery, due to his lack of tattoos denoting his commitment to a militantly sober lifestyle.

“This decision doesn’t come to us easily. Danny was a huge part of what we do here, but rules are rules,” remarked Amber Soriano, scene veteran and deciding vote on Vitberg’s inclusion. “He had multiple opportunities to get ‘true ‘til death,’ ‘xxx,’ or even the Minor Threat ‘Out of Step’ sheep tattooed somewhere on his body, and he openly defied straight edge tradition. I hope this is a wake-up call to all the other so-called straight edgers out there who think it’s O.K. to go through life without a ‘Drug Free’ face tattoo.”

Though some in the newer straight edge generation regard this practice as archaic, more orthodox sects see permanently decorating every available area of forearm skin as a hallowed and revered part of the culture.

“We tried to convince Danny to get two enormous black Xs on his hands, something subtle like that. But he just wouldn’t listen to us,” recalled Carson Ives, frontman for FISHxHOOK, the influential Virginia hardcore band of which Vitberg was a founding member. “Looking back, I wish we pushed him harder. Do you think I wanted to get this tattoo of an eagle holding a banner that says ‘POISON FREE’ in its talons? Of course not. But I did it because it’s tradition.”

While most other scenes have updated their interment regulations, some local communities still hold the traditions in high regard.

“Yeah, those punks really don’t fuck around with those rules,” recalled Theo Manuszak, sexton and groundskeeper for the burial ground. “Every one of these fuckers has some corny-ass lighthouse inscribed with ‘Stay True’ or some Earth Crisis lyrics. There’s for sure some dumb ones in here, but they all have at least one tattoo. It always seemed silly to me… but it’s not really a culture I want to be a part of.”

Virginia straight edge scene members are also petitioning local government officials to have all edge breakers be buried in shallow, unmarked graves, where nobody could ever mourn them — or at the very least, have each one of their tombstones marked with the words, “Sellout Scum.”

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