Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Grim Reaper Not Sure Who to Take After Thousands Proclaim ‘I Am Kirk Douglas’

Posted on February 5, 2020 by Jay Miller

LOS ANGELES — The immortal god of death, the Grim Reaper, is reportedly frustrated with Kirk Douglas fans claiming to be the famed Spartacus actor immediately after he passed away at 103 today, making it too difficult to tell which should be taken to the afterlife.

“I get it, you wanna protect your guy, but like come the fuck on,” the cloaked skeletal figure said to a growing crowd of supposed Kirk Douglases, according to those familiar with the situation. “I have existed for all of eternity, so even though Kirk is super old to you guys, I legitimately can’t tell him apart from anyone else. All you fuckers look the same to me! Just tell me which one is Kirk before I murder all of you and just take the whole bunch.”

After growing confused as to who the actual Kirk Douglas was, the exhausted Grim Reaper reportedly settled for Kirk’s son Michael, age 75.

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Medal of Honor Awarded to McDonald’s Employee Who Put Chicken Nugget in Trump’s Order of Large Fries

Posted on February 5, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump awarded the Medal of Honor, the nation’s most prestigious personal military decoration, to the “hero” who slipped a chicken nugget into an order of large fries he had for breakfast earlier today, baffled sources confirmed.

“Valor, bravery, freedom — those are the three words I would use to describe this employee, who broke with protocol and added a delicious all white meat chicken nugget into my fries,” an impassioned Trump stated. “This medal, and it’s a nice medal — I gave myself four already, recognizes the employee, whose name I do not remember — it was a weird name, very weird, who served their nation by serving me food that I did not order, but yet still knew I wanted. Thank you.”

The employee in question, Debby Fonseca, was surprised to be recognized in a ceremony typically reserved for veterans of war.

“I wish President Trump didn’t make a big deal out of this because it was actually an accident. My pal Ed was working the fryer and he must have dropped a nugget into the fries. Our manager ended up giving us both a verbal warning,” said Fonseca. “Two more warnings and I get fired. I guess this medal is nice and everything, but I need this job. I don’t think I can support my kids with this medal unless maybe someone from Craigslist would buy it as a joke or something.”

Following suit, Mitch McConnell announced he will be awarding the Congressional Gold Medal to the hot dog cart employee who did not spit in his food last night.

35 Year-Old Man Still Sees Pediatrician With N64 in Waiting Room

Posted on February 5, 2020 by Grant Mulitz

KANSAS CITY — 35-year-old Peter Brydon has been seeing family pediatrician Dr. Richard Cohen, who has had a Nintendo 64 in his office waiting room, for over 20 years, concerned sources in the waiting room have confirmed.

“I’ve had save files on every game here since I got chicken pox at age 11,” said Bryon, playing Banjo Kazooie with a sore throat while waiting for a nurse to call him back for his appointment. “Changing doctors would be completely wasting years of gameplay. I’ll just keep working on my progress on all of these titles every time I come in for a checkup, cold, or even a really bad owie.”

Searching for an adult primary care physician with comparable facilities has been a challenge for Brydon, who could only find offices with a magazine racks or TVs showing cable news in their reception area. He’s repeatedly refused to have his medical records sent anywhere until he receives confirmation of a gaming console setup, or at least that bead-on-wire toy everyone loves. Several family members have expressed concerns over what this stubbornness might mean for Connor’s health.

“We all try telling him he really needs to see a specialist for his high cholesterol and worsening health problems,” said Connor’s mother, Margaret. “But he just says he really needs to go see Dr. Cohen so he can finally beat Shadows of the Empire. I can’t help but think that if Nintendo would just hurry up and get N64 games on the Switch my Peter might go get the help he needs.”

Cohen defended his continued medical relationship with the aging patient.

“Sure, it’s a little atypical for a man his age to still be seeing me,” he said. “But, a 35 year old man obsessed with retro video games is roughly the same maturity level as most of the kids I see in here, so I don’t mind. These kids cry about everything, and I’ve only seen Peter cry once, when he realized that he had to be a girl in Perfect Dark. Other than that, he’s the best patient I have.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Better Than Ezra and Less Than Jake Form Pretty Average Supergroup

Posted on February 5, 2020 by Alan Khanukaev

GAINSVILLE, Fla. — Iconic third-wave ska band Less Than Jake has formed a supergroup with 90s alt-rock band Better Than Ezra, with early reports suggesting that the resulting sound is “just, like… fine, or whatever.”

“I’m incredibly stoked at how acceptable this whole experiment is turning out to be,” said Better Than Ezra singer and guitarist Kevin Griffin. “I gotta be honest, I’ve always liked LTJ, but it just felt like they were lacking that extra little bit of Jake. And then as for us… I mean, we have all the Ezra we need and then some. But then you put us together in the studio, and it’s like, BOOM! Some real top-of-the-bell-curve type shit. You know what I mean?

Less Than Jake bassist Roger Lima confirmed it was in both bands’ interest to capitalize on the devoted-yet-waning audiences each group brought to the table.

“Despite what they say about fourth-wave ska, the fact remains that the Less Than Jake’s fan base is aging up, and lord knows Better Than Ezra’s audience draw has ‘seen better days,’” said Lima, using air quotes and seemingly mistaking Citizen King’s “Better Days” for a Better Than Ezra songs. “It made sense to pool our resources and see what hijinks we could get into — you know, ‘Golden Girls’ style. Florida represent!”

However, grizzled industry insiders are hesitant to share the same reserved indifference as the aloof fanatics who will follow these bands anywhere within a 15-mile radius.

“‘Supergroup’ is definitely a strong word. I’d say it’s really more of just a group. The only word I could truly use to describe them is ‘adequate,’ and even that is generous,” said music critic Andria Bosque. “They don’t even play ‘Good,’ the most popular song between the two of them — they basically just play Less Than Jake songs, and then finish their set with ‘One Headlight’ by The Wallflowers for some reason. Frankly, based on their set, I don’t know if Less Than Jake actually knows who Better Than Ezra is.”

Sadly, rehearsals have allegedly grown rocky, due to Less Than Jake’s insistance on including “Sex and Candy” in the set.

Correction: An earlier draft of this report inaccurately described the forthcoming collaboration as “anticipated,” when in fact it was simply “acknowledged.” The Hard Times regrets the error.

We Look Back on “Now That’s What I Call Music! 22” Because That’s the Only CD My Mom Had in Her SUV

Posted on February 5, 2020 by Aidan Sears

Here at The Hard Times we’ve got deadlines to meet and sometimes those deadlines sneak up on you a bit. So every now and then you have to do an album retrospective from inside your mom’s 2004 Toyota RAV4 that you were borrowing because you’re only in your hometown for a few days and you’re not gonna get caught by anyone from high school driving around in some goofy Zipcar. It’s also at those times you remember that your mom only has one CD in here because she doesn’t see why she needs to own more than one CD when this one has all the songs she wants.

Well, here it goes.

“Now That’s What I Call Music! 22” was a watershed moment for the canon-defining franchise. They had been accused of phoning in their albums since “17,” though I personally think you’d have to go back to “12” to find the last time the Universal/Sony-owned company really pushed themselves creatively. But by opening their newest project with Rihanna’s “SOS,” they shattered preconceived notions of what a Now! album should sound like. Further, the transition into Sean Paul’s “Temperature” threw the rule book out the door completely.

Look, we’re trying.

After time-tested bangers by Chamillionaire, Beyonce, and Chris Brown (which is a can of worms we should not be opening on a time crunch like this), we get Bubba Sparxx’s influential anthem “Ms. New Booty,” a track that will make you ask, “Why is this the album that mom insists on keeping in her car?” She’s a very nice woman and works as the vice principal at a middle school. We called her to ask and she told us she likes the album mostly for KT Tunstall’s “Black Horse and a Cherry Tree.” When we suggested that she buy Tunstall’s debut album instead, she got very cold with us and hung up. So that’s a fun thing we have to deal with now.

Alright, we admit it. Not every article is going to be a winner. That’s fine. How history sees this album doesn’t matter but it makes our mom happy and that’s enough to make it important to us. And if you don’t agree, we don’t care. Because this is what we call music.

Check back next week to read our oral history of the Barenaked Ladies Greatest Hits album that our dad keeps in his tool shed.

New Yorker Considers All of New York “Upstate”

Posted on February 5, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

NEW YORK — Local New York resident Laura Rathi argued relentlessly yesterday about the geography of the state of New York, claiming the entire state is actually considered “upstate,” petty sources confirm.

“Literally the whole thing is ‘upstate.’ Sorry not sorry,” Rathi, a native of Long Island residing in Brooklyn, claimed. “From where I’m standing right now in the Financial District, everything north of me is ‘upstate’ — unless you stand right on the southern border, you’re never not ‘upstate’. And I don’t want to hear any rebuttals, because I’m correct. I’m a real New Yorker: I eat a bacon, egg, and cheese on a bagel every morning; I went to Tisch; my dad only pays half my rent. I know where ‘upstate’ starts.”

However, fellow resident Ben Holmes argued the line where “upstate” begins is slightly further north.

“Everyone knows it’s anything outside the city,” he said while retrieving his unlimited Metrocard to confirm he is, as he puts it, a “true New Yorker.” “‘Upstate’ starts where the Bronx meets Yonkers. Hell, Long Island is even upstate. I’m a real New Yorker: I root for the Yankees and Giants, I know what I’m talking about. I’m from Bergen County.”

Ultimately, Rep. Sean Patrick Maloney weighed in, stating both parties were incorrect.

“As it turns out, there is a correct answer to the upstate issue — it’s where the Hudson River line on the Metro North rail system ends, in Poughkeepsie,” Maloney confirmed while gathering his boxes of hate mail and death threats he receives daily from various downstate New Yorkers. “It’s kind of like trying to claim South Dakota is actually North Dakota. The government decides on borders, and we made it official. The real question, though, is why do people care so much? Everyone should just concentrate on sticking to the right side of a sidewalk if they’re gonna walk slow, for fuck’s sake. Like a real New Yorker.”

While Maloney’s answer only made the argument more heated, all involved agreed that it “doesn’t matter if it’s upstate, downstate, the metro area, or the city… it’s still better than Jersey.”

R2-D2 Suddenly Remembers a Bunch of Cool Shit It Can Do

Posted on February 5, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LOTHAL — Just as he and his friends were almost certainly doomed while trying to escape a secret base of the Empire’s they had infiltrated, repair droid R2-D2 suddenly remembered some cool thing it can do, just in the nick of time.

“Holy shit, he’s fucking flying!” said Luke Skywalker, clearly taken aback by his long time copilot’s sudden ability to traverse the sky in an aerial manner. “That’s so helpful! I mean, it seems like we would’ve seen him do this by now. At least one time. Or like, we’d know that R2 units can fly at least, right? Wouldn’t that have helped on the moisture farm? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he was able to fly up to the control panel and lower the shields, but are you sandbaggin’ me, dude?”

When confronted with the sudden appearance of his associate’s new abilities, human-cyborg relations and protocol droid C-3PO pled ignorance.

“I’m sorry, sir,” he said. “It is just that, I have had my memory wiped a couple of times during all of our adventures for reasons I never really understood, so it is entirely possible that I did know at one point that he could fly. Oh Artoo, won’t you be careful up there!?”

Engineers from the manufacturing company Industrial Automaton revealed that they often pack a lot of secret abilities into their creations that don’t necessarily adhere to their intended functionality.

“Yeah there’s all kinds of weird stuff we give them,” said Ellell Katooo, a senior engineer at Industrial Automaton. “Sarcasm, flame throwers, a sense of their own mortality. Many people have argued that there’s no good reason to make a droid used for translation scared of his own shadow, but they can make their own fucking droids.”

As of press time, the rebels’ getaway was thwarted by several brigades of stormtroopers, at which point Chewbacca remembered he was a Jedi and killed them all with his mind.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

I’m Sorry I’m 6’3” and God Wanted Me to See Concerts Better Than You

Posted on February 5, 2020 by John Danek

I’m not a sociopath. I’m aware that you can’t see through my tall, chiseled, fragrant body. And I feel bad about it. But life isn’t fair. Nothing I can do about it. Take it up with the big man upstairs.

See, God decided that no matter what, I should have an unobstructed eyeline to watch any band in any venue. The Lord dictated that I would see every band member, every amp setting, and every pedal if I so desire. Because that’s what he desires.

He also desires that you should stare at the back of my sweatsoaked shirt. Hey, at least you get to read up on Opeth’s tour dates from 2015. He truly has a plan for us all!

God made the natural world like this too. Some wolves are faster than others so they get more meat. Some bears are taller than others so they get a better view of Against Me! at the Regent Theater in downtown Los Angeles. That’s me. I’m that bear. And what a great fuckin’ show. Wish you could have seen it.

However, with divine privilege comes divine responsibility. Because of my advantage, I promise to post as much content to my Instagram stories as possible. I do this because I care about the meek and the tiny. I basically post the whole show except for when I’m holding a beer. And may God help you if you bump into that beer-holding arm with your stubby little head down there. My wrath knows no bounds and my reach is quite long.

If it were up to me, I would make everyone the same height so that no one could see the show except for the front row. That would be fair. But that wasn’t in His vision. He made us a random smattering of limbs and organs combined into wet, fleshy bodies. Some of which simply don’t get a good view of Chris Conley during the “Through Being Cool” anniversary tour. But if you peek under my elbow every 5 seconds when I sway at just the right angle, you might be able to see the bassist. Silver linings!

So yes, I recognize my privilege. But until Elon Musk invents shoes that make you shorter somehow, I get to enjoy concerts more than you. Or until some 6’5″ fucker stands directly in front of me. God, don’t you just hate those guys?

Conor Oberst Can’t Believe He Used to Relate to Bright Eyes Lyrics

Posted on February 5, 2020 by James Webster

OMAHA, Neb. — Indie-folk legend Conor Oberst was deeply and truly mortified yesterday by the Bright Eyes lyrics he needed to reacquaint himself with for an upcoming reunion tour, confirmed several sources amazed it took this long for him to feel ashamed.

“It’s been 10 years since I’ve played any of these songs, and I’d forgotten what some of them sound like,” said Oberst solemnly. “ What was I thinking? I really wrote this stuff down, thought it was good, and put it out into the world, didn’t I? I’ve been going over the songs off ‘Lifted’ and I want to travel back in time and kick my own ass — I don’t even have the courage to look at the stuff on ‘Fevers and Mirrors.’ I was writing this back when it was still socially acceptable to just post song lyrics on social media. Jesus, I need to issue some kind of public apology.”

While Oberst may have his doubts about the lyrics, many long-time fans nevertheless voiced their excitement.

“I’m excited to scream along with all those songs again,” said lifelong fan Natalie Fletcher. “I lied about my age to get a couple of Bright Eyes lyric tattoos back in the day — some of those lyrics are a little melodramatic, yeah, but we were all teenagers. Everything that teenagers write is melodramatic, and Conor Oberst is no exception.”

“Oh, it looks like he was 27 when ‘Cassadaga’ came out,” she later added. “Well, I guess they say that girls mature faster than boys.”

Not everyone shared Fletcher’s excitement, however.

“Yeah… I said some positive stuff about Bright Eyes back in the blog days of the 2000s,” said Shawn Massey, the music critic behind the now-defunct blog ‘Bad Taste In Your Mouth.’ “My love for Bright Eyes was totally out of character with a blog where I panned anything and everything. When they announced the reunion, I threw on ‘Letting Off the Happiness’ for the first time in years to see if it held up or not — my eight year-old got scared when she heard Oberst singing because she thought the cat was sick. When I told her who it was, she listened for a minute and then said, ‘I wish the cat was sick, because it would have more depth than this.’ I’ve never been so proud.”

To further prepare for the upcoming shows, Oberst has reportedly locked himself in the rehearsal studio and can currently be heard muttering, “At least I’m not Ben Gibbard” over and over.

Netflix Reportedly Testing New Feature That Just Lets You Say You’ve Seen ‘Ozark’

Posted on February 4, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Netflix programmers are reportedly working on a new feature that lets viewers just say they’ve already seen the Jason Batemen-led crime drama Ozark.

“We know what our viewers want — seriously, we have the data down to every second of your thought process as soon as you open our app — and people want to have seen Ozark,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. “People don’t want to watch Ozark, people don’t want to discuss Ozark, people don’t want to read news about upcoming information about Ozark. People want to be able to say ‘yes’ when their co-worker asks if they’ve seen Ozark and that’s it. Today I’m happy to announce we are working on that feature.”

According to computer programmers at Netflix, the feature is going to be rolled out in the second quarter of 2020.

“The current plan is to just flash information about the key details of Ozark once you open up the app, similar to how we force autoplay trailers down your throat,” said one programmer who wished to remain anonymous. “So you’ll scroll over the new John Mulaney special and then BLAM! your screen will be covered by a 20-second video of Laura Linney explaining her role as Wendy in seasons one and two of Ozark.”

Despite potential lack of viewers, the principal cast of the show is excited about the feature.

“Honestly, all I want is for people to have seen Ozark too,” Jason Bateman said outside his home. “I don’t need people to sit down and watch all of some show I was in, I just want them to tell me they liked it. It doesn’t have to be real; I need this.”

At press time, Netflix announced that the new feature may have to be delayed after they discovered that no one working on the project had actually watched Ozark.

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