Punk Mom Adds Studs to Fitbit

Posted on by Alan Khanukaev

READING, Pa. — Local punk mom and recent fitness enthusiast Patti Clacher surprised members of her mall-walking meetup group today by showing up with a series of pyramid studs adorning her newly purchased Fitbit monitor, slightly uneasy fellow walkers confirmed.

“Well, I was shocked, to say the least,” said friend and mall-walker Julia Beckett. “I mean, Patti’s always been a little unorthodox — what with all the patches on her cozy Chico’s fleece, and those fishnet spanx she always wears — but when she veered off into the Hot Topic the other day, I thought she was just getting a gift card for her nephew, or one of those adorable Baby Yoda mugs. Such a shame; it was a perfectly nice Fitbit. Now she looks like a common street tough.”

Clacher, for her part, sees no reason why she can’t get in shape while maintaining her street cred, and defended her non-conformist decision as a way of respecting both sides of her personality.

“New year, new me, but I gotta stay true to who I am. Just because my resolution was to get healthy, doesn’t mean I have to abandon my values,” said Clacher. “I know some of the other moms in this group think I’m a safety concern now and that my spikes might ruin the cardigans of passersby, but that’s their problem, not mine. Punks not dead, and neither am I if I stick to my 10,000 steps per day! Woo! Bit Life!”

But whether Clacher’s new accessories will actually help her reach her goals is a subject of some debate.

“Listen, we definitely encourage our users to express themselves. That’s why Fitbit fitness trackers come in a variety of neat colors,” said Dane Sadler, representative for Fitbit’s parent company, Google. “However, these devices are precisely calibrated, and any additional weight will almost certainly disrupt the accelerometers — especially if it’s some bullshit Hot Topic poser-wear.”

Clacher was last spotted getting her steps in while shopping for a new pair of sensible orthopedic shit kickers.

We Interviewed a Trophy Hunter With a Five-Minute Head Start Before We Hunted Him Down With a Tiger

Posted on by Bobby Korec

As investigative journalists, we at The Hard Times aren’t afraid to ask the tough questions. Also, we know a guy who let us borrow his Bengal tiger for the day, which came in handy when interviewing Wally Halsmer, a long-time trophy and big-game hunter.

We gave Wally a five-minute running head start before we unleashed our borrowed tiger, Cody, onto him while asking some pretty hard-hitting questions about the trophy hunting industry. Enjoy!

The Hard Times: Only a small portion of the money from trophy hunting actually goes to conservation efforts and almost none of the revenue reaches surrounding rural communities due to corruption and lack of regulation. Could it be that you just like ending an animal’s life for funsies? Also, go…

Halsmer: Holy fuck! It’s so fast!

THT: True, it does seem pretty unfair. Must suck when you’re being hunted by something that has an advantage over you. Anyway, What is it about displaying the decapitated head of an animal on your living room wall as if it were furniture that turns you on?

Halsmer: It’s on top of me!!!

THT: Yeah, they’ll do that. So trophy hunters sure do talk a lot about conservation. Are you aware that you could just donate the money to a credible wildlife organization and call it a day?

Halsmer: My neck! It’s biting my neck!

THT: Could it be that you just like to kill under the guise of conservation?

Halsmer: I can’t feel my extremities!

THT: Cecil the Lion

Halsmer: Please! I’m begging! Please stop!

THT: Oh I’m sure it’ll be over pretty soon. Can you really call hunting a sport if only one side has a weapon and the other side is completely unaware they’re a part of a “game?”

Halsmer: I… can’t… breathe…

THT: Psychologists say harming cats is a sign of lacking empathy and could mean that you’re a legit sociopath. Could that explain why you take pleasure in killing endangered animals?

Halsmer: Death… is… nigh…

THT: Unfortunately, that’s all the time we have. We said we’d have Cody back to our friend after lunch. Heh.

DNC Unplugs Bernie’s Controller

Posted on by Rich Marin

DES MOINES, Iowa — In a tight caucus match late last night, the DNC pulled out Senator Bernie Sanders’ controller cord from the console of electoral politics just as it seemed he was pulling ahead.

“Why isn’t my guy doing anything?” an exasperated Sanders was heard complaining. After frustratingly mashing the keys, he tossed the controller on the floor. “I’m so sick and tired of the millionaires and billionaires who run this country playing like screen-peeking cheat bastards.”

When asked for comment, a party spokesperson replied, “It’s our house, we make the rules.”

Want to vote for a Gamer to be President? Check out the first episode of The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour.

Local Skater Manages to Fit Four Puns in Her Roller Derby Name

Posted on by Genevieve Daanjur

LAS VEGAS — Local woman Veronica Freeman set a new record at the annual RollerCon last week, giving herself a roller derby name with four discernable puns.

“I had so many sleepless nights trying to figure out the perfect name that I think I lost touch with reality at one point. But I finally came up with a name so undeniably punny that it will change the game forever: Brawn Break-em Jingle Shiner Grit,” said Freeman. “I couldn’t have done it without my teammates, who had so much patience with me sitting out every practice so I could pore over notebooks trying to get this right.”

Despite her success, Freeman’s coach, Rebecca “Shrill Hellachick” Celia, believes the search for the perfect derby name had a negative impact on the team as a whole.

“I have a lot of great women skating for me, and if she put as much effort into the skills required to make a difference on this team as she did in trying to find out how many puns she could fit on the back of her jersey, she could’ve been the next Vampiledriver,” said Celia. “If I could have cut her from the team I would have, but we’re already short two players and she paid the $150 to be part of the league, so my hands are tied.”

Roller derby historian Kelly Block noted the four-pun name was thought to be nothing more than a pipe dream that would never be achieved.

“Ms. Freeman has completely revolutionized the game. This is our four-minute mile,” said Block. “When Cassie Forbes of the Tri-City She-Devils unveiled her three pun name ‘Knock-em Block-em Hoe-bot’ back in 2012, the world stood still. [Forbes] is still considered one of the greatest to ever come up with a roller derby name, but I think Freeman will be right there with her for the Mount Rushmore of derby girls.”

As of press time, RollerCon officials had to delay the start of the competition due to the overwhelming amount of women signing up under the name “Sweaty Page.”

Opinion: I Don’t Know Why I’m Getting so Much Pushback Here but Make Another Gorillaz Album #MAGA

Posted on by Dan Rice

I don’t understand what happened to this country. Since when did celebrating the greatest British musical import since The Beatles become a crime? How does the desire to see more work from the most innovative experiment in pop music of all time make me an “asshole,” a “monster,” or a “racist?”

I don’t know why this has become so polarizing and frankly I don’t care. I’m sticking to my guns! Make Another Gorillaz Album. #Maga!

I am not a fascist! All I’m saying is I would like to see a return to the style of “Clint Eastwood/Dirty Harry.” I’m talking “Kids With Guns.” I’m talking “White Light.” I’m talking #MAGA!

Admittedly when I started this campaign I had no idea it would cost me so much. Everywhere I go, someone will look at my MAGA hat or MAGA shirt and fly into a rage for some reason. My boss told me I need to “tone down the politics in the office,” whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. My own sister wrote me a letter, an actual handwritten letter in the mail, to tell me how disappointed she was with this “radical shift” in my views. What fucking shift? I’ve always been a Gorillaz fan!

Anytime I post #MAGA on the internet, even in a Gorillaz fan group, I am met with a backlash I cannot begin to comprehend. How the hell is the Gorillaz subreddit “not the place for this bullshit guy”? How does believing that Damon Albarn and his multi talented collaborators have at least one more great record left in them mean that I “don’t care about the earth” and “hate immigrants?”

And trying to meet these fuckers half way has not worked at all! I’m not crazy. I know damned well the band peaked with “Demon Days.” But when I try to explain how all I want to see is a return to the old ways of doing things, I get trolled even harder! Seriously, what’s with all the “OK Boomer” memes? I’m 32!

This is just like the time I thought it would be innovative if Incubus and Nine Inch Nails Collaborated on an EP with Lamb of God (#INCELRevolution).

Comic Book In “Take on Me” Video Getting Gritty Film Adaptation from Zack Snyder

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

LOS ANGELES — “Justice League” director Zack Snyder is set to helm another comic book movie: a gritty reboot of the graphic novel featured in the music video for a-ha’s “Take on Me.”

“Having already rocked the DC comic book movies, I was looking for something different… and then, out of nowhere, I caught an episode of VH1’s ‘Pop Up Video’ on Youtube that played ‘Take On Me,’ and I was floored. When I found out no one optioned it yet, we snatched it right up,” said the “Sucker-Punch” director of the wordless, black-and-white graphic novel used as a framing device for the iconic early-’80s video. “That there’s no dialogue or plot to speak of, like, at all, really leaves the whole thing wide open.”

The reboot, expected to start shooting in March, has a reported budget of $300 million and will be Snyder’s first time behind the camera since 2017. Fans of the original video are already voicing their opinions.

“Of course I remember that comic,” said Vincent Reyna, one of many patrons perusing the back issues at Harper’s Comics and Games. “I’m not really sure how you improve on it. All I know is they’d better keep the sidecars in the motorcycle race, since that’s the kind of the central element. Knowing fucking Snyder, he’ll make the pipe wrench goons into goth chicks in fishnets with spiked baseball bats or some other horseshit and completely miss the point.”

While it’s unclear if a-ha themselves will appear in the film reboot, at least one familiar face from the video will be back: actress Bunty Bailey, who played the girl first introduced reading the comic book in a diner, will return as the mother of the unnamed hero.

“Zack introduced himself to me at a party in London a few months ago,” recalled Bailey via telephone from the U.K. “I didn’t know him, but he mentioned making the newest ‘Batman’ movie when he offered me the part. I told him how much I loved it… only realizing several hours later I was thinking of the Christopher Nolan ‘Batman’ pictures. But by then, I was already committed.”

Snyder was last seen pantomiming a punch in slow motion, animatedly describing how the hero’s and villain’s mothers sharing a name would set up the third act.

Aspiring Terrorist Deletes Every Mean Tweet About ISIS After Applying for Job There

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

KANSAS CITY, Miss. — Local rabble rouser and aspiring terrorist Shaun Norris reportedly deleted all of his social media posts criticizing the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, better known as ISIS, after sending in a job application for an entry level position.

“I tweeted a lot of shit like ‘ISIS sucks’ and ‘honestly think ISIS is a waste of time, bunch of hacks’ back when I first got into college. I’m so stupid, I never realized how much I’d need a job after I graduate,” Norris told friends, according to those familiar with the situation. “Obviously it’s not my dream job — if anything, I’d like to start my own little terrorist organization right here in Kansas City if I could — but at this point, I just want a stable position in the field I’m looking to get into.”

“You know just grab copies, do data input, hang up a sign on a cubicle that says ‘don’t say Death to America to me until I’ve had my coffee’ kinda shit,” Norris explained. “And then once I have enough contacts, I’ll try to go entrepreneur.”

According to a representative from ISIS, the tweets would have gone unnoticed.

“No one is immune to criticism and we really try to make sure our terrorists are not fanatical about our organization,” said ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi. “We want people to care about our mission, of course — to promote mass religious violence and murder all who we deem to be infidels — but we’re not above taking on people who have fresh ideas about how to do that!”

“We encourage a work culture of honesty,” he continued, “and we really appreciate the anonymous feedback forms we get in our bucket every morning to make sure everybody’s ideas are appreciated.”

Those familiar with the situation have said, however, that ISIS ultimately rejected Norris’ application after noticing a typo in his resume that listed him as a “modrator of Reddit’s top alt-right subs.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Acoustic Bass Industry Begs Violent Femmes to Buy Another Acoustic Bass

Posted on by John Danek

MILWAUKEE — Representatives from the top acoustic bass manufacturers gathered yesterday outside Violent Femmes bassist Brian Ritchie’s house to beg him to purchase another bass to keep their industry afloat.

“Please, please, please, buy this bass!” shouted Ovation Guitars rep Dana Cartwright, standing on the front lawn holding an Applause Elite bass over her head. “Our entire customer base is just you and confused moms who buy their kid a bass for Christmas by accident. We rely on you, Brian, and we haven’t sold a bass in years. They’re just rotting in warehouses — even landfills won’t take them.”

Ritchie, who has played an acoustic bass in Violent Femmes since their formation in 1980, is widely regarded as the only musician ever to use an acoustic bass to make good music.

“Oh, God — not these guys again,” said Ritchie with a sigh. “These clowns show up in my yard at the end of every fiscal quarter when their accounting departments start melting down. Ovation, Dean, Taylor… all the heavy hitters. I wish they would just kiss off.”

“You can’t help but feel bad for them, but I already have four acoustic basses and I only use two. I guess that means I have the most extensive collection in the world, but that’s nothing to brag about,” continued Ritchie. “I actually want to sell some of my basses to free up some room here, but I can’t bear to see the look on the company reps’ faces when they see my Reverb posting.”

An economist shed some light on the acoustic bass industry’s status.

“Young people simply aren’t playing catchy folk-punk anymore,” explained Jacob Struthers, economist-in-chief at Forbes Magazine. “Ever since the boom of hip-hop and electronic music, acoustic music has been on the decline, and the few folk-punk acts out there play yelpy, superficially political trash. Violent Femmes endure despite the inherent ugly quality of acoustic bass. But until someone figures out a way to nail acoustic vaporwave for the kids, we don’t see this trend reversing anytime soon.”

In related news, the world’s flute manufacturers have set up tents outside the Wiltshire, England home of Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson in a desperate plea for a new album.

Super Power? This Woman Can Identify a Predator Just by Seeing If She’s Sexually Attracted to Them

Posted on by Shea Strauss

If you think you like bad boys, then you haven’t met 26-year-old Nora Sardana! Sardana has the incredible skill of identifying someone as a predator solely by being attracted to them.

Not all superheroes wear capes! Especially when those capes find themselves hastily removed any time a face tattoo is present.

“I have the worst taste in people,” said Saradana of her powerful talent. “Whatever creep radar I’m supposed to have is just my attraction level.” Amazing!

We met with Sardana to speak to her about her incredible gift in her Los Angeles apartment. Framed posters of American Beauty, Sleeping Beauty, Manhattan, and Louis CK’s canceled film Daddy, I Love You adorned the walls.

When asked her about her origin story, Sardana attributed her gift to reading Lolita as a romance, unwanted sexual attention from the age of eleven, and years of regular Tinder use. She also asked us why we called it a “gift.” So modest!

Not only does this superpower come in handy in emergency situations, but this lucky lady gets to reap the benefits on a daily basis!

She told us, “Without fail, I’m always attracted to the guy in the office who constantly masturbates in the bathroom. By the way guys, we know you do that. Anyway, I work from home now. When you find yourself jealous of one ply toilet paper under fluorescent lighting it’s time to make a life change.”

Wow, talk about a blessing AND a curse! Even though it has caused her a lot of distress, Sardana likes to use her power for good. However, when local police tried to recruit her to work for the sex crime unit, she found herself attracted to every single one of the officers for some reason. So she had to pass.

Introvert Really Hoping No One Remembers Her Birthday This Year

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BALTIMORE — Local introvert Katie Pidacter quietly hoped yesterday that no one would remember her birthday this year, in order to avoid the looming pressure to be part of a large, celebratory gathering, skeptical extrovert witnesses reported.

“Those Facebook birthday reminders inevitably blow my cover,” Pidacter noted while noticeably steering clear of small talk. “I’m that person who is always the last to arrive and first to leave my own birthday party. I really wish my friends would get the message that large groups are not for me, and that my ideal birthday would consist of individual one-on-ones with a select few of my friends, several hours apart from each other with adequate break periods in between for me to recharge. You know, nothing too particular.”

However, Pidacter’s friends typically go against her wishes and plan large, decorative parties on her behalf anyway.

“Kat practically begs me not to throw her a party every year, but I just don’t believe her,” friend and professional event planner Cheryl Waiders said. “As an extrovert with zero social anxiety, I literally live for parties. Last year, I planned Kat a super small surprise birthday get-together — nothing huge, because she allegedly hates crowds, so I only invited 75 of our closest friends. But when she finally arrived, she looked genuinely stunned and downright terrified. Pretty sure she loved it, though, despite never thanking me. Deep down, I know it’s just what she wanted, because it’s what I always want on my birthday.”

Experts have noted a steady rise in people sitting out their birthdays to avoid exhaustive social interaction.

“More and more people are not disclosing their birth dates to friends as an act of self-preservation,” local psychologist Tracy Mandarin said. “We live in a society that rewards extroversion and belittles those who need a minute or two in between social interactions, so it’s no wonder introverts are keeping their birthdays to themselves. We’re actually seeing an increase in introverts skipping out and using surrogates at their own birthday parties, so that both extroverts and introverts can enjoy these celebrations at their own comfort level. It’s the ultimate compromise of personalities.”

Pidacter was last seen this morning, calling out sick to the office after word quickly got out to her coworkers that today is her birthday.

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