Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Trolls Fan Suspects DreamWorks Making Troll Dolls Just to Sell Movies

Posted on February 3, 2020 by Noah Ammerman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local doll superfan Charley Cover expressed skepticism about the upcoming Dreamworks film Trolls World Tour, claiming that the entire Trolls movie franchise had put an end to the pristine reputation of the legendary toy line going back decades.

“It sucks,” announced Cover on Facebook over the weekend, more than three years after the release of the first Trolls film. “They took an important 1960s Danish brand of immovable, pudgy dolls and turned it into a bunch of hot, stylish, well-adjusted freaks.”

An avid collector of the toy series, Cover complained that the modern line of merchandise had abandoned the old look, replacing it with endless new designs in order to produce new movie characters every few years.

“Every time they make up a colorful, hip Troll, they cast some new, sexy actor to match,” reasoned Cover, “and then they write a script about it. Why can’t they just use the old designs? They don’t even look like Trolls anymore… except for Russell Brand.”

As the sequel film Trolls World Tour geared up for the 2020 release, Cover launched a petition calling for the movie to halt production. He cited unfaithfulness to the inventor’s vision and a disregard for the dolls’ original purpose.

“Trolls aren’t supposed to be photogenic or good at things,” fumed Cover in another post, less than two hours later. “They stand, they wear clothes, and they stare at you. It’s a special kind of friendship that these movies are trying to destroy forever.”

On the topic of their unconventional design, Cover recalled how much the first generation of Troll dolls meant to him on a personal level.

“When I got a Troll for my fifth birthday, it was the first time I saw a doll with realistic proportions,” reminisced Cover. “I was teased a lot in school, so it did wonders for my self-esteem to know there was a company out there making dolls that looked like me — a Pilipino Super-Saiyan who was squished by something heavy.”

When pushed for comment, DreamWorks CEO Christopher DeFaria defended the film series.

“When I think about the kids we’re making these movies for, I imagine enjoying life, playing games, and expressing yourself through the unbridled creativity only a young person can possess,” said DeFaria. “I don’t think about ‘what if E.T. and Marge Simpson fucked and they made a toy of the kid.’”

Despite his dedication, Cover admitted he had yet to find much support for his petition, complaining that the Troll doll community “didn’t even have an active subreddit.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

We Sat Down With This Five Finger Death Punch Fan to Hear What Color Mustang He’s Buying After Basic Training

Posted on February 3, 2020 by Alec Stein

Recently, The Hard Times met up with Craig Erickson, a new United States army recruit, an aspiring Mustang owner, and, this probably goes without saying, a fan of platinum selling alternative metal band Five Finger Death Punch.

On the way to the interview, we put on a playlist of the band’s most popular song apparently looped over and over. Weird. Fortunately, this interview had nothing to do with Five Finger Death Punch, so let’s get to the good stuff like the Mustang Erickson will be buying when he finishes basic training.

The Hard Times: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us. Are you excited to leave for basic training?

Craig Erickson: Sorry, what? I thought we were here to talk about Five Finger Death Punch.

THT: Who? Oh no, we wanted to talk bitchin’ cars and kick ass military stuff. Interviewing a Five Finger Death Punch fan was the most efficient way to make that happen. How does that band shorten their name by the way? FFDP? 5FDP?

CE: Any of those work.

THT: Cool. Cool. So would you say Five Finger DP your favorite band?

CE: I don’t think they use that one. Hey wait, how’d y’all know I was enlisting?

THT: You said you liked that band. Do you not?

CE: No, it’s just… not every Five FInger Death Punch fan is enlisting in basic training. But, yes, everyone in basic training is a fan of theirs.

THT: Case dismissed. So what color Mustang are you getting when you finish basic training?

CE: How the hell did you know I was getting a Mustang?

THT: Yes or no question, is that a case of Monster energy drinks in your living room?

CE: Why would that matter?

THT: Yes. Or no.

CE: Yes…

THT: Thank you. That couldn’t have been easy for you to admit. Now Craig, what color is it gonna be, buddy?

CE: …Black body with red racing stripes running down the center.

THT: Holy shit, that sounds sick! Are we talking like a midnight black or more of a gunmetal?

CE: Midnight, obviously. And get this, the guy at the dealership is giving me an active military discount. Since I’ll only be paying 23% interest, I figure I’ll use that money I’m saving to buy some blacked out rims.

THT: That is so fucking awesome.

CE: Right??? The wife and I are going to look so sweet in this thing.

THT: I didn’t even realize you were married, dude!

CE: Well not yet, technically. I just popped the question this morning. We’d already been dating for a month, and with the extra allowance the military gives married couples, I just figured there was no reason to put it off any longer.

THT: Yeah, that sounds more like the stereotype we pegged you as. Gotta say though, I know we just met but I’d love to get a beer with you after this.

CE: I can’t legally drink.

THT: Yeah, a judge told me the same thing. Just slide a piece of tin foil between your skin and the ankle monitor and you’ll be fine.

CE: What?

THT: I have to interview this Avenged Sevenfold fan about skull-based pencil sketching. Just wait for me in the lobby. Semper Fi!

Tragic Tech Deck Accident Ends Man’s Promising Data Entry Career

Posted on February 3, 2020 by Mark Bouchard

DURHAM, N.C. — Rising data entry star Stuart Carroll is hospitalized today following a freak tech deck accident, which doctors fear could mark the end of a very promising career in menial labor.

“I guess this is as good a time as any to let all of my fans know it’s over — I’m done with data entry,” said Carroll in his first public appearance since taking 13 days of unplanned, unauthorized sick leave. “I love inputting data with all my heart. You and I both wish I could be blasting through a few Excel spreadsheets right now, but the doctors said it’d take years of physical therapy before I’d be ready to come back, and I just don’t think I have that in me. I’m turning in my sheet of keyboard shortcuts and calling it a career.”

Fans have held their breath for Carroll’s return, and are understandably disappointed at his decision.

“When you’re at the top of the data entry game, you think you’re untouchable. I warned him that fingerboarding is a dangerous hobby, but he kept pushing it,” said Carroll’s former partner Candy McLaughlin. “I remember he was using our bathroom sink as a makeshift pool… and then I heard him scream. When he came out clutching his fingers, I knew it was over. Data entry has lost its next Andrew Jackson.”

“Not the ‘Trail of Tears’ Andrew Jackson, but the guy who got Radio Shack through Y2K,” McLaughlin added. “I almost wish he got carpal tunnel — at least then he could have retired with some dignity.”

Although most in the data entry scene are supportive of Carroll’s decision to step back, some, including his longtime supervisor Jason Mann, feel he made the wrong choice.

“I don’t feel for the guy, I really don’t. Our whole team was depending on him, and now we’re fucked because he had to go goof off over the weekend,” said Mann. “What am I supposed to do — just hire someone else? You think people who can type 50 words a minute just grow on trees? I don’t think so.”

With his career on hold, Carroll reportedly secured a loan to open up a fingerboard shop, in an effort to “bet on himself.”

Neglected Punk House Vacuum Yearns for Tender Embrace of Human Hand

Posted on February 2, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

DETROIT — A neglected Hoover WindTunnel vacuum currently stuffed in the front closet of notorious punk house The Slayboy Mansion is desperately yearning for the tender embrace of a human hand, sources within the closet confirmed.

“It’s day 1,098, and still not a single person has touched me since I was taken out of my box,” said the vacuum solemnly. “Every time the closet door opens and I see how disgusting the floor is, I know this could be my chance to shine… if only someone would touch my sleek handle and watch me effortlessly glide across the floor like a motorized ballerina. I want to tell them, ‘I’m bagless, just dump me out in the trash after,’ but still nothing. I sit here alone. Forever alone.”

Other discarded items sitting in the closet for years related to the vacuum’s desire.

“I think I’ve been stuck on the back corner of this closet since 2007, and it’s only getting worse for me,” said a half-inflated Spalding basketball. “I was a ‘gag’ gift for Christmas and the most action I got was just after I was unwrapped and someone said, ‘TOUCHDOWN!’ and threw me at a stack of empty beer cans. Just once, I would like to be bounced off the hot pavement as someone drives me to the hole.”

“Even if I could be fully inflated for a day, just to see how it feels to be game ready, that would be enough to make me happy,” added the ball. “But I don’t think the family of mice living behind me could work a pump.”

Slayboy Mansion residents admitted they were completely unaware they have a fully functioning vacuum just feet away from them at all times.

“Sometimes, I do wish this place was a bit cleaner. The other night, I fucking gashed my foot on some broken glass — which could’ve easily been picked up if we had a dustpan,” said Tony “Piss” Pisanski. “Anytime someone knocks over an ashtray, we just sweep it under the couch with our boots. It’s gotten to the point where the couch is actually supported by a mound of cigarette butts.”

The house’s shower, which also sits unused, has taken to randomly turning itself on and off to let everyone know it’s fully functional and ready to go at any time.

5 Ways to Enjoy the Super Bowl Vicariously Through Your Friend’s Gambling Problem

Posted on February 2, 2020 by Tom Peters

If you’re like me, the Super Bowl is the only football game you’ll watch all year. Maybe a coworker invited you to a viewing party and you’re physically incapable of turning down free food, so you said, what the hell? The only problem is, you just can’t seem to get excited about all the spectacle because you’ve got no personal attachment to either team. But with more people than ever betting on this year’s big game, there’s bound to be someone nearby to vicariously raise the stakes for you. Here’s how to enjoy the Super Bowl through someone else’s gambling problem.

Spot the Gambler
Look around the room for someone who is mentally elsewhere. They’re paying close attention to the game, but they’re not rooting for any team in particular. In fact, they don’t seem to be having much fun at all. If you spot them cycling between their DraftKings and Betstar apps, you’ve found your gambler!

Approach and Gather Info
Go up and ask if this person has money riding on the game and watch their lifeless, sunken eyes try to light up. To add some drama, get some personal information out of them about how a win or loss will affect their life. You’ll be on the edge of your seat knowing that their spouse is out the door if the Chiefs don’t come through.

You’re hanging out with someone waiting to find out if their legs are going to be broken, this is fascinating!

It’s Not Who Wins Or Loses
The final outcome of the game is only the tip of the veritable iceberg of things to bet on. Gambling establishments offer more prop bets during the Super Bowl than any other game. This explains your friend’s interest in the coin toss, or excitement over what color Gatorade the 49ers are drinking. There are countless minuscule ways for your friend to ruin their life before the national anthem is even over!

Go Big Or Go Home
Encourage them to really put it all on the line with some extra bets or parlays. Emphasize that the Super Bowl will be their last chance to bet on football until at least September, so why not go all out. Besides, with all the novice gamblers betting today, it’s practically amateur hour out there. They’ve got this!

Don’t Get Involved, Unless They Win!
Chances are, if things don’t go as expected, your friend might invite you to get in on the action or ask for a loan. The keyword here is, “vicariously.” Keep your skin out of the game and enjoy the show from a distance. When the leg breakers come it’s time to get the fuck out of Dodge. On the other hand if they win you’ve got a new best friend on a manic high with a pocket full of cash, let the good times roll!

NFL Blitz Simulation Predicts Super Bowl 54 to be Most Violent of All Time

Posted on February 2, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

MIAMI GARDENS, Fla. — A group of analysts have simulated this year’s Super Bowl using NFL Blitz for the Nintendo 64, and they warn that the results indicate that this year’s game will be the most horrifically violent by a significant margin.

“It’s going to be a bloodbath,” concluded Leslie Algore, a statistician that ran over 100 simulations of this year’s contest between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers. “It is a very close matchup, and some things are gonna come down to the wire, but one thing we are certain of is that this game will absolutely be hard to watch, due to the extreme displays of violence and unsportsmanlike conduct.”

In addition to a final score of 18-2, the software simulation also forecasted several controversies sure to be instigated by the showdown, including the referees being scrutinized over the lack of penalties and ejections.

“Yeah, I know we know a lot more about concussions and things like that these days,” said Bill Vinovich, Head Referee at today’s championship game. “So we’ll keep an eye out. On the other hand, this is the big show, and we’re gonna let the boys go a little. I can’t promise we’re going to call every little frog splash or flying leg drop. It is football, after all.”

The most notable Super Bowl predictor in recent years has been the Madden franchise, but after a recent run of misfires, more and more other titles are being used to forecast outcomes.

“Madden has been wrong for four out of the last six years,” said Algore. “We think it’s pretty clear that we should start using some other games to figure this stuff out. Sadly, John Madden and his crew of bullies wander around the country in a tour bus shutting down any alternatives to Madden being produced. So alas, we will be using Blitz for the foreseeable future.”

At press time, Vegas had posted a prop bet at three to one odds that Jerry Rice makes a surprise comeback to the gridiron, only to be forced back into retirement after being repeatedly piledriven by Chiefs defenders.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man at Super Bowl Party Will Have You Know Football Means Something Different for Rest of World

Posted on February 2, 2020 by Bobby Korec

PHILADELPHIA — Friend-of-a-friend and uninvited Super Bowl party guest Bartholomew Youngblood just wants everyone to know that the word “football” means something entirely different to those that live in the rest of the world, side-eyed party guests reported.

“Just saying,” Youngblood said while adjusting his vintage Manchester United soccer jersey. “When the room went silent after my comment, I figured no one had heard that fact before, so I went down to their level and let them know that guacamole is actually a traditional dish from Mexico. That seemed to leave them speechless as well. I learned so many interesting tidbits like that during my trip to London my parents surprised me with for my birthday last year — I just had to share a part of my journey with everyone.”

“The funny thing about London is, they don’t use the word elevator. They call them ‘lifts,’” he added while talking to the void.

Most guests steered clear of Youngblood for the rest of the evening, aside from a select few who genuinely tried to relate to him.

“He seemed to be having a tough go of it and it wasn’t even the second quarter yet, so I tried to make him feel more comfortable, especially being a fan of soccer myself,” party guest Dave Wixlor noted. “Turns out, the guy knew literally nothing about the sport, despite wearing some old soccer shirt he said he got on Etsy for like, $150. Serves me right for trying to talk to someone wearing vintage sportswear ironically. Lesson learned.”

Experts have been warning party hosts about these kind of social downers in recent years.

“They’re like amusement vampires and will suck the fun right out of your party,” event planner Elaine Jesterly said. “Nowadays, we typically recommend intentionally not inviting these types of killjoys, so your guests can socialize with ease. At weddings, for instance, they’ll start conversations by saying ‘marriage is an antiquated tradition that oppresses women’ or something like that. You can easily spot one of them because they start sentences with phrases like, ‘Well, actually’ all the time.”

At press time, Youngblood was heard explaining how each player on the field almost certainly has some form of CTE.

If You Really Cared About Sports, You Would Support Your Local Super Bowl

Posted on February 2, 2020 by Edgar Towner

Football season is drawing to an end, and millions of Americans are gathering around the tube to catch the big game. Fuckin’ sellouts. The NFL Super Bowl only captures the shallowest and most commercialized aspects of football. The heart of the game lives in smaller sports scenes, and if you were a real sports fan, you’d support your local Super Bowl instead.

Let me guess: you didn’t realize local Super Bowls existed. Newsflash, normie — football goes much deeper than the NFL, no matter how the media tries to deny it. If you would engage with your local football scene, you would discover athletes way more authentic and experimental than any you’ll see on ESPN.

For instance, this year’s Denver Super Bowl will be a long-awaited showdown between the Aurora Thunderheads and the Thornton Stabbers. Those names probably don’t mean much to you, but they’re everything to me. I grew up with these players, saw their athleticism develop, and even tried to kill some of them after a particularly bullshit off-sides call in ‘09. No sponsorship can buy that kind of rapport.

I’m just sick of people complaining about the state of football when they only pay attention to the NFL. It’s like those Occupy Democrats posts say: change happens at the local level, so it’s time people realized that their lives are more heavily impacted by the outcome of their local Super Bowl than the bullshit capitalist spectacle of the national Super Bowl.

So what if our local Super Bowl won’t be in a stadium? It’s more authentic to have the big game at a DIY sports venue, like a strip mall parking lot. And if the cops break it up because you “don’t have a permit” and “people are getting seriously injured,” so be it. Communities grow through hardship.

In the end, that’s what football is about: community. And not some weak-ass corporate idea of community but a genuine, personal community where you can go to your friend’s game on Monday night and have him tune up your Aztek on Tuesday. That’s real football.

So do yourself a favor and skip the NFL’s so-called “Super Bowl” this year. Your money is better spent supporting your local teams. After all, HGH ain’t cheap.

Drunk Friend Invited to Couple’s House to Unwittingly Test Baby-Proofing

Posted on February 2, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Perpetually pie-eyed local man Dominic “Mitch” Wozinski was invited last night by expectant parents Christine and Sam Pinner to unwittingly test the baby-proofing of their home, suddenly sober sources confirmed.

“We’ve already added corner guards, outlet covers, and baby gates throughout the house… but we still worry it’s not a safe environment for a newborn. Since none of our friends have kids, the only way to test out our home is by utilizing the second best thing: a drunken, clumsy, 32-year-old doofus,” said the expectant father. “Within the first 10 minutes of Mitch coming over, he pushed everything off the kitchen counter, demanded we help him make a pillow fort, and pissed his pants. That’s when I knew we made the right choice.”

Although she eventually came around, Christine admitted she was initially skeptical of Mitch’s soused and unknowing services.

“Mitch opened my eyes to so many hidden dangers in our home — like how we need to lock the fridge because drinking straight maple syrup can be very dangerous for both toddlers and liquored-up buffoons,” said the mom-to-be. “Mitch even cried until we put on his favorite TV show. Just replace ‘Storage Wars’ reruns with ‘Paw Patrol’ or something, and that’s pretty much exactly what it’ll be like to have a kid.”

The Pinners were so overjoyed with the results, they even recommended Wozinski’s “services” to Christine’s co-worker Tammy Galvan.

“I love kids and can’t wait to be a mom,” said Galvan. “I just felt like I needed a bit more practice before I was comfortable with my own child — I thought maybe I could carry around a watermelon and use that as a stand-in, but it just wasn’t the same. So I got Mitch super wasted… and he was a perfect test for me. After he had an accident, I cleaned him up and replaced his pants with a diaper. And when he wouldn’t stop crying about his ex-girlfriend, I swaddled him on my bed and he fell asleep instantly. I think I’m ready.”

At press time, Wozinski was privately terrified he may have drunkenly prostituted himself the previous evening after remembering entering a strange couple’s home, blacking out, and waking up with a wad of cash in his pocket.

Third Football Team Just Ambushes Super Bowl out of Nowhere

Posted on February 2, 2020 by Joe Rumrill

MIAMI — Super Bowl LIV between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers was ground to a screeching halt today when the Arizona Cardinals “ambushed the game out of nowhere” in an unprecedented act of poor sportsmanship during a nationally televised game.

“There the Chiefs and Niners were, just minding their own business, peacefully playing their Super Bowl… and then this whole other team sideswipes the entire game with no warning whatsoever!” said Chiefs spokesperson Murray Reese. “Haven’t they any manners at all? It was quite appalling. It has no place in this sport.”

During a Chiefs’ pass play early in the first quarter, the entire Arizona team, coaches and all, stormed the field, grabbed the ball and proceeded to “keep away” from the two other teams who had earned their Super Bowl berths.

“Sour grapes, that’s all it is,” said 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garappolo amid sniffles during a time out. “Just plain ol’ sour grapes. Somebody better teach those guys some manners… and some better defensive play, while they’re at it. Then maybe they can actually play this game for real some day.”

While no clear motive was immediately apparent, those close to the Cardinals say the act was merely a fun prank to “razz” the two proper Super Bowl participants.

“They ruined our special day,” said one 49ers player, unable to be identified behind the locked door of a bedroom into which the whole team ran off to and locked themselves. “It’s just not fair. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them!”

Referee Bill Vinovich admitted he was shocked by the Cardinals’ sophomoric behavior.

“I’d expect horseplay like this from maybe a scrappy Big 12 college team, or even one of those CFL ones, because they don’t know any better,” said Vinovich after wrestling one of the game balls from Cardinals wideout Larry Fitzgerald. “But for an entire NFL franchise to ruin a big day like that… I guess I’m just disappointed.”

At press time, the Cardinals could not be reached for comment, aside from their incessant whooping and hollering in ecstatic joy. The Cardinals have a 6-point lead in a 0-0-6 game.

Photo by Jeffrey Beall.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News