DURHAM, N.C. — Rising data entry star Stuart Carroll is hospitalized today following a freak tech deck accident, which doctors fear could mark the end of a very promising career in menial labor.
“I guess this is as good a time as any to let all of my fans know it’s over — I’m done with data entry,” said Carroll in his first public appearance since taking 13 days of unplanned, unauthorized sick leave. “I love inputting data with all my heart. You and I both wish I could be blasting through a few Excel spreadsheets right now, but the doctors said it’d take years of physical therapy before I’d be ready to come back, and I just don’t think I have that in me. I’m turning in my sheet of keyboard shortcuts and calling it a career.”
Fans have held their breath for Carroll’s return, and are understandably disappointed at his decision.
“When you’re at the top of the data entry game, you think you’re untouchable. I warned him that fingerboarding is a dangerous hobby, but he kept pushing it,” said Carroll’s former partner Candy McLaughlin. “I remember he was using our bathroom sink as a makeshift pool… and then I heard him scream. When he came out clutching his fingers, I knew it was over. Data entry has lost its next Andrew Jackson.”
“Not the ‘Trail of Tears’ Andrew Jackson, but the guy who got Radio Shack through Y2K,” McLaughlin added. “I almost wish he got carpal tunnel — at least then he could have retired with some dignity.”
Although most in the data entry scene are supportive of Carroll’s decision to step back, some, including his longtime supervisor Jason Mann, feel he made the wrong choice.
“I don’t feel for the guy, I really don’t. Our whole team was depending on him, and now we’re fucked because he had to go goof off over the weekend,” said Mann. “What am I supposed to do — just hire someone else? You think people who can type 50 words a minute just grow on trees? I don’t think so.”
With his career on hold, Carroll reportedly secured a loan to open up a fingerboard shop, in an effort to “bet on himself.”