Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Baha Men Hoping for Big Puppy Bowl Payday

Posted on February 2, 2020 by Pete Fritz

NASSAU, Bahamas — Pop/reggae fusion band Baha Men are hoping 2020 is the year Animal Planet finally incorporates their song, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” into their Puppy Bowl telecast, sources close to the band confirmed this morning.

“The song is literally about dogs being let out. Can you imagine the driving rhythm of our song, played over a variety of puppies playing with stuffed animals and urinating all over a mini-stadium? What better place to play it than on the Puppy Bowl?” said singer/producer Rik Carey. “I don’t mean that rhetorically. I’m asking for real. Is there a better place? If there is, I’ll send them a CD, too.”

Allegedly, since the Puppy Bowl’s inception in 2005, not a single broadcast has featured the Baha Men’s hit song, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” despite seemingly obvious correlations between the two.

“It’s a no brainer to me,” said fellow Baha Man Leroy “Breaka” Butler. “You got your dogs on TV — in this case, a bunch of cute-ass puppies — and now, you need some music to inform the viewer as to what is happening. What should the producer reach for? ‘Cat Scratch Fever?’ Hell, no! They should reach for ‘Who Let the Dogs Out!’ It ain’t rocket science.”

The band has reportedly spent the past 13 years watching each edition of the Puppy Bowl, hoping to hear their chart-topping song.

“When I first heard of the Puppy Bowl, I told my wife, ‘Honey, go buy us some matching jet skis.’ But Animal Planet used cheap, stock music nobody has ever once danced to, or ever will. One week later, I was stuck trying to convince Kawasaki to give me a full refund, like some asshole,” said Baha Man Dyson Knight. “Yeah, we’re all watching for the competitive puppy action, but I’m also watching for a sweet royalty check.”

One-hit wonder pop/hip-hop duo Tag Team empathized, having spent their last 25 years in a similar situation.

“Anytime a dorky white guy has a dance scene in a movie, the director has a great chance to use ‘Whoomp! [There It Is].’ And guess what? They normally always do. The song is a quarter-century old, but keeps getting introduced to new generations,” said Tag Team founder Steve Roll’n. “Just this morning, I hear it in a new car commercial, as well as a movie trailer about a jock-type guy who has to become a cheerleader to graduate. I’m not complaining.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Puppy Bowl, who asked to remain anonymous, said simply, “Holy shit. I can’t believe we didn’t think of that.”

Guy Who Once Stabbed a Cop with a Screwdriver at a House Show Can’t Believe What Just Happened on “Great British Bake Off”

Posted on February 1, 2020 by Dan Rice

AUSTIN, Texas — Self-proclaimed anarchist punk Craig Garson, who once stabbed a police officer while on LSD, was flabbergasted last night by the latest episode of “The Great British Bake Off,” friends and family concerned about his mental status report.

“I can’t believe Briony isn’t moving on to the final. This is fucking horse shit; she’s been out-baking all these chumps. Paul and Prue need to get their heads out of their asses,” said Garson, a man whose heart stopped due to a drug overdose four different times by the age of 26. “And I thought Rahul was done when he biffed the technical — I guess those orange curd madeleines really saved him. This is some wild shit.”

Three separate Paul Hollywood handshakes in the episode floored Garson, who years ago bit off a man’s index finger during a bar brawl, even further. “Look at him,” exclaimed the man whose arrest record includes suspected arson and theft of a school bus. “He’s just giving them away today!”

Francis “Jizzboi” Meringer, Garson’s best friend of 11 years and current N.A sponsor, stressed what a far cry Garson’s life is now from what it once was.

“Craig used to be the wildest guy I knew. He was in and out of jail so much, he knew every cop in town by name… and they’d keep a cell ready for him at all times,” confided Meringer. “And if you didn’t have something for him to drink, shoot, or snort, he was slashing your tires for kicks in no time. Now? He binge-watches people proofing dough and he’s like, transfixed. It’s fucking werid.”

Garson’s turn into sobriety and “Great British Baking Show” obsession has been a huge shock to anyone who’s ever known him — most notably, his long-term girlfriend Claire Bennet.

“I met Craig the night he was robbing people outside a Japandroids show at gunpoint,” said Bennet. “If you told me eight years ago that my drugging, cop-stabbing, loose cannon boyfriend would spend his weekends obsessing over a baking show, I would’ve said, ‘Boy, I should date someone else before I’m in too deep here.”

“Jesus Christ, I miss meth,” she added.

5 Things You Didn’t Know About “The Royal Tenenbaums” Because You Had to Get a Job at 15

Posted on February 1, 2020 by John Danek

A Wes Anderson film is a lot like caviar. It may not be inherently enjoyable on its own, but an astute connoisseur can learn to appreciate it because they are repeatedly told it is good. Of course you are reading The Hard Times, so you’ve probably never had caviar.

Since you were probably too busy working minimum-wage jobs out of necessity to properly enjoy and investigate auteur cinema, here are five fun facts to help you feigh familiarity with the offbeat charm of Wes Anderson’s ouvre.

5. GENE HACKMAN WAS MENACING ON SET
Wes Anderson later said that there were moments during filming where Gene Hackman was difficult to work with. Yes, even rich, sophisticated people can be difficult sometimes. It’s not just your fellow poors who are troubled. Hollywood’s finest talent can still be thrown into a tizzy by an incorrect coffee order or direct eye contact.

4. THE “DALMATIAN MICE” DIDN’T REALLY HAVE SPOTS
The spots were drawn on ordinary pe mice with a sharpie marker. You may not know this, but those mice you so desperately tried to keep out of Joe Dawg’s Bar & Grill so the restaurant could pass health inspection? The upper crust breeds the cute ones as a hobby.

3. TENNIS IS REAL
Luke Wilson portrays Richie Tenenbaum, a professional tennis player in “The Royal Tenenbaums.” Tennis is a sport played in country clubs and gated communities across the world. It is similar to your “football” and “basketball” in that a ball is used, but tennis requires Lacoste polo shirts in order to play correctly.

2. THE FILM IS CONSIDERED TO BE HIGH ART
“The Royal Tenenbaums” is #157 in the Criterion Collection, which is a series of films that salaried people enjoy and talk about amongst themselves.

1. THERE ARE ELEMENTS ONLY THE RICH CAN PERCEIVE
Much of the dialogue was recorded at such a high frequency, the only viewers who can hear it lived extremely pampered lives free from loud noises such as forklifts and deep fryers. You will hear long moments of silence and assume it’s some cinéma vérité technique but no. Years of manual labor have eliminated your ability to catch some of the best punchlines in the movie.

Open World Game Praised for Realistic Weather Effects That Give You Seasonal Depression

Posted on February 1, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

MINNEAPOLIS — Praising the deep, emotional impact it leaves on the player, gamers are giving rave reviews to the newly released open-world video game Somber Canyon for its realistic cycling weather effects that eventually cause you to experience seasonal depression, pale and sullen-eyed sources have confirmed.

“I’ve never played anything as immersive as this before,” said local gamer Paul Minetta, swaddled in a heavy wool blanket while staring at the bleak, cloudy sky of the world of Somber Canyon. “I mean, I’ve played games with gloomy environments before, but they really accomplished something different with Somber Canyon. The other day it started raining in the game, and it just never stopped. I got tired of seeing rain so I turned off the game and the next day it was still raining. Eventually I didn’t feel like I could remember what it felt like for it not to be raining. And I just started to cry. I have no idea why. I fucking love this game.”

Players say that, not only is the game’s weather very realistic visually, but it also has very interesting effects on the world of the game itself.

“My health was running low, so I had to go find a town with an inn to rest in,” read one review by Reddit user. “My character went right to sleep and slept for 15 straight hours. When he woke up, it was dark outside and I got a bunch of notifications that some of my missions had expired because too much time had passed. I’ve never felt this bad about myself while playing a video game, this is amazing!”

At press time, the developers of Somber Canyon have released a teaser for a DLC pack featuring a SAD lamp that your player can stare at to help you improve your mood.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Friend Who Ruined Parties with Alcoholism Now Ruining Parties with Sobriety

Posted on February 1, 2020 by Nicholai Roscoe

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Friends of Terence Hart report today that his knack for ruining parties with his alcoholism has transitioned into ruining parties with his sobriety, annoyed sources attending a long-awaited birthday get-together confirmed.

“Back in the day, he’d black out after like, two drinks and try to fight everyone. Now he’s just yelling that he can party harder than everyone without booze,” said longtime friend Sophanite Lebna. “I liked it more when he’d actually go so hard that he’d pass out — now, he’s just annoying everyone by telling them drunk driving statistics. Yeah, I’m happy he’s not slowly killing himself by drinking, but him reciting the podcasts he listens to instead is actually killing me.”

Fellow partiers unfamiliar with Hart agreed.

“The first thing out of his mouth was that drinking was just a crutch for his social anxiety, and he feels much better living clean, whatever that means,” stated friend-of-a-friend Roger Culver. “If booze helped him socially, he should consider jumping off the wagon, because it was really awkward while the rest of us were slamming shots. He just sat there watching and drinking LaCroix like a creep. It kind of made me feel like he was poisoning us.”

For his part, Hart claimed he struggles with sobriety due to ceaseless peer-pressure from his friends.

“It’s a real conundrum, because I don’t like who I am when I’m drinking, but my friends don’t seem to like me when I’m sober,” noted Hart. “Since I stopped drinking, I can see my abs for the first time in my life, and I got engaged to my best friend in the world — I’m just having a hard time controlling my social anxiety in environments that rely on alcohol.”

At press time, Hart was slamming a handle of bourbon before cheating on his fiancé, to the great joy of his closest friends.

We Asked John Mellencamp What “Suckin on Chili Dogs” Means but Instead He Showed Us and It Was so Disturbing We Haven’t Slept in Days

Posted on February 1, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

There is no way to tell John Mellencamp’s story without telling my own. And if his story is really a confession of sucking on chili dogs, then so is mine.

After leaving the public eye in the early ‘90s, John Cougar Mellencamp got off the boat and split from the whole fucking “rock star” program. He disappeared into the Cambodian jungle with an army of fans that worship him like a god.

So what did he see on that last tour? And who in their right mind refers to eating a hot dog as “suckin on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez?” My mission was to find out.

I proceeded up the Nung river in a Hard Times patrol boat, learning what I could about Cambodia and the American Rust Belt. I then infiltrated Mellencamp’s… camp, with the singular goal of interviewing him with extreme prejudice. I wanted a writing assignment, and for my sins, they gave me one:

Mellencamp: “Did they tell you why they want you to interview me?”

“Are my methods unsound?”

“I don’t see any methods at all, sir.”

“….Are you an assassin?”

“I’m a writer for a punk and alt music news site. We’re pretty popular, actually. You get WI-FI out here?”

“You’re neither. You’re an errand boy, sent by the chili dog stand to collect a bill.

A Mellencamp devotee then brought out a tray of chili dogs, neatly arranged atop a sterling silver tray. The dogs were placed between us but I knew he would offer me nary a weiner.

“Horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror.”

Mellencamp grabbed a mustard bottle and proceeded to draw a tiny little smiley face on each dog. He then meticulously sucked and slurped Detroit-style chili from the weiners without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of acceptable human conduct. The madness lasted for hours. Occasionally He’d break the silence, screaming “this is how Jack and Diane did it!” while tossing licked-clean dogs into a pile of rotting, festering meat.

As I left the hut I could hear Mellencamp, his belly bloated and his lips glistening from meat, cry out in a whisper that was no more than a breath.

“The horror…..the horror.”

Still, it was nice of him to autograph my uncle’s copy of “American Fool”.

Man Who’s Bad at Accepting Compliments Joins Friend’s Band to Avoid Them

Posted on February 1, 2020 by Cory Cousins

LAFAYETTE, La. — Local guitarist and misanthrope Jeremy Waggoner joined his friend’s band Punted Child earlier this month to avoid any possibility of ever receiving a compliment, Waggoner’s psychiatrist confirmed.

“I honestly felt trapped. During my lowest point, I’d receive on average 20 compliments a day — whether it was someone who liked my shirt, or someone commenting on how good I am at parallel parking. For someone like me, that’s nightmare fuel,” confessed Waggoner. “I was an anxious mess. Then it dawned on me that my friend Brodie [Cooper] has quite possibly the most offensively awful band I’ve ever heard. They never draw an audience, let alone receive compliments. So I joined up the next day!”

Cooper welcomed his new bandmate at the most recent Punted Child practice, which concluded after 15 minutes when they couldn’t figure out whose cable was buzzing.

“I was kind of surprised when Jeremy hit me up out of the blue to see if he could join my band,” recalled Cooper. “He’s never been to one of our shows, and straight-up told me in the past that he hates my band ‘more than taxes, paper cuts, and having to shit in public restrooms, combined.’ But it’s great to have him jamming with us, because he’s by far the best musician in the band and he just started playing guitar two months ago.”

Waggoner’s girlfriend has been very supportive of his attempt to address his mental health, but worries that the shittiness of his new band will take a toll on their relationship.

“Look, I love Jeremy and everything, but I don’t know if I can support him being in this band for much longer,” admitted Waggoner’s girlfriend Natalie Martinez. “His last show, if you want to call it that, consisted of the singer screaming into a bullhorn with his back turned to the audience, while the rest of the band all seemed to be playing different songs. On top of all that, the drummer forgot his bass drum and stool, so he was just standing back there kind of hitting the snare and cymbals. The only other person at the show got nauseous and had to leave.”

Following Punted Child’s set, Waggoner nearly had a nervous breakdown when he thought a person in the audience begin to clap, but quickly settled down after he realized they were swatting at a fly.

Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart

Posted on January 31, 2020 by Chandler Dean

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. — In a choice that demonstrated an astounding dearth of imagination, town simpleton Adam Tucker decided to play as Mario in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe.

Despite having 42 options at his disposal, and with Mario offering no strategic advantages nor a particularly unique appeal, Tucker selected the Italian plumber who is available as a playable character in over 200 video games. (For comparison, players who want to live vicariously through Ludwig von Koopa are limited to a paltry 13.)

“I like Mario,” said Tucker, who made the decision while chewing on a ham sandwich on white bread with no cheese. “So I picked him.”

The choice baffled his friends and opponents, each of whom had a unique set of personality traits that amounted to a unique, individual human being.

“I mean, I didn’t mind, because it meant the rest of us got to pick from the characters who are actually interesting,” said Maislin, Tucker’s friend who mains Dry Bowser because she generally likes excitement in life. “But it’s almost sad. Your favorite Mario character is Mario? It’s like Mickey Mouse being your favorite Disney character, or Superman being your favorite superhero. Literally, scroll past the first result. There’s a world out there waiting for you.”

Alberto Perez, another player in the race, also struggled to understand Tucker’s thinking.

“It wouldn’t be weird if he had picked a variant of Mario,” reasoned Perez. “Hell, I’ve played as Baby Mario, Metal Mario, and Tanooki Mario — and of course, they each bring their own energy and backstory to the table. But every time, without fail… it’s regular, garden-variety, vanilla, original flavor, basic standard Mario,” said a perplexed Perez. “Like, I know it’s allowed, but I’ve never seen anyone actually go for it.”

When pressed to explain his choice further, Tucker revealed one additional detail.

“My cursor was also floating over him,” he said. “So I figured why not?”

At press time, Tucker had chosen a Standard Kart and Standard Tires and was overheard insisting that the group choose Mario Circuit in 50cc for their next course — again.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Polyamorous Man at Music Fest Puts Girlfriends Up on Shoulders

Posted on January 31, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

CHICAGO — Polyamorous man John Castenda gallantly put both of his girlfriends on his shoulders at the Rainy Days Music Fest last weekend, giving them a better view despite the likely neck and spine damage he will incur, annoyed people in the back of the crowd confirmed.

“Being poly means overcoming petty emotions like jealousy. I couldn’t have them switch off every other song because that would show some sort of preference, so I did the mature thing and hoisted both of them up,” said Castenda, struggling under the weight of the two adult women. “As you can probably guess, we actually deal with just as much bullshit as traditional couples — like earlier today, when I had to hold both of their purses as they went to the bathroom, or when we were all making out and some aggro dudes mistook us for a circle pit.”

Local tall man Don Reilly had the misfortune of standing directly behind the unwieldy tower of humanity.

“At first I thought the dude was just kind of doing it as a gag and that he wouldn’t last more than 15 seconds, but he powered through it. I could see every vein in his neck ready to burst from all the stress of the weight… and I was hoping for the sake of his body that the band cut their set short,” said Reilly. “As a 6’5” guy, I’ve never had my view at a concert blocked before. Seeing this sexy, free-loving Ultraman has really opened up my eyes to the struggles of the vertically challenged.”

Sexologist and expert on non-traditional relationships Dr. Susannah Blair recommended poly individuals take proper precautions before attending outdoor events like music festivals.

“While engaging in a non-traditional relationship can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, it’s not necessarily for everyone. In particular, it is not for those with poor core strength, or those who have difficulty breathing at higher altitudes,” said Dr. Blair. “If you are considering exploring a poly relationship, I recommend that you begin bulking up now, as well as learning some Cirque du Soleil acrobatic moves.”

The evening unfortunately took a serious turn after Castenda and his partners hooked up with another poly group, resulting in the top two women getting third-degree burns from some overhead power lines.

We Sat Down With This 40-Year-Old in a Beanie to Find out If He’s Cool or Just Going Bald

Posted on January 31, 2020 by Kate Howard

The other day The Hard Times was at a coffee shop and ahead of us in line was a real-live 40-year-old in a beanie. He didn’t have any piercings or visible tattoos so we couldn’t tell if he was cool or just going bald.

Our investigative instincts took over, and we approached the mysterious gen xer determined to find the answer.

Hard Times: So, we noticed you put oat milk in your latte. Are you normally a fan of alternative?

Beanie Man: Oh, I always go for alternative milks. It’s really my only option, my ageing body just cannot break down lactose anymore. You know how it can be.

We really don’t. To follow up, you don’t like alternative music or anything of the sort?

Oh, so that’s what you meant by alternative! Bit of a senior moment there for me. I guess I like the alternative stuff from when I was growing up. Violent Femmes, Yaz, nothing too niche.

Oh, that’s semi-cool.

I’m glad someone thinks so. My kids hate whenever I choose the music.

Kids? That must be pretty stressful, I bet they make your hair fall out.

They’re definitely a handful, my wife actually pulled some of her own hair out after we had our third. But it’s still rewarding, and if anything they keep me young.

Is there anything you think your kids have inherited from you? Like, perhaps you passed down a cool air of aloofness about school? Or like a receding hair situation?

For sure, my oldest is always playing hooky to go hang out at the mall. At least when I skipped school it was to bum around at the skatepark. She’s 14, I’m honestly not too chuffed if she starts smoking weed, but I really don’t like her falling prey to consumerism. Oh, and my son TJ is definitely going to go bald like me.

Ah ha! You are bald! But, also cool sort of?

Yeah that’s why I’m wearing this beanie.

We were trying to figure out if you were bald or cool and we couldn’t tell which.

You think the two are mutually exclusive? That’s pretty fucking shallow. You know I was in Archers of Loaf for a while.

Sorry, dude. Hope your daughter quits the mall and picks up a joint instead. Have a dope day!

Fuck off.

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