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We Sat Down With This 40-Year-Old in a Beanie to Find out If He’s Cool or Just Going Bald

The other day The Hard Times was at a coffee shop and ahead of us in line was a real-live 40-year-old in a beanie. He didn’t have any piercings or visible tattoos so we couldn’t tell if he was cool or just going bald.

Our investigative instincts took over, and we approached the mysterious gen xer determined to find the answer.

Hard Times: So, we noticed you put oat milk in your latte. Are you normally a fan of alternative? 

Beanie Man: Oh, I always go for alternative milks. It’s really my only option, my ageing body just cannot break down lactose anymore. You know how it can be. 

We really don’t. To follow up, you don’t like alternative music or anything of the sort? 

Oh, so that’s what you meant by alternative! Bit of a senior moment there for me. I guess I like the alternative stuff from when I was growing up. Violent Femmes, Yaz, nothing too niche. 

Oh, that’s semi-cool.

I’m glad someone thinks so. My kids hate whenever I choose the music.

Kids? That must be pretty stressful, I bet they make your hair fall out. 

They’re definitely a handful, my wife actually pulled some of her own hair out after we had our third. But it’s still rewarding, and if anything they keep me young.

Is there anything you think your kids have inherited from you? Like, perhaps you passed down a cool air of aloofness about school? Or like a receding  hair situation? 

For sure, my oldest is always playing hooky to go hang out at the mall. At least when I skipped school it was to bum around at the skatepark. She’s 14, I’m honestly not too chuffed if she starts smoking weed, but I really don’t like her falling prey to consumerism. Oh, and my son TJ is definitely going to go bald like me.

Ah ha! You are bald! But, also cool sort of? 

Yeah that’s why I’m wearing this beanie. 

We were trying to figure out if you were bald or cool and we couldn’t tell which.

You think the two are mutually exclusive? That’s pretty fucking shallow. You know I was in Archers of Loaf for a while. 

Sorry, dude. Hope your daughter quits the mall and picks up a joint instead. Have a dope day!

Fuck off.