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Man Who’s Bad at Accepting Compliments Joins Friend’s Band to Avoid Them

LAFAYETTE, La. — Local guitarist and misanthrope Jeremy Waggoner joined his friend’s band Punted Child earlier this month to avoid any possibility of ever receiving a compliment, Waggoner’s psychiatrist confirmed.

“I honestly felt trapped. During my lowest point, I’d receive on average 20 compliments a day — whether it was someone who liked my shirt, or someone commenting on how good I am at parallel parking. For someone like me, that’s nightmare fuel,” confessed Waggoner. “I was an anxious mess. Then it dawned on me that my friend Brodie [Cooper] has quite possibly the most offensively awful band I’ve ever heard. They never draw an audience, let alone receive compliments. So I joined up the next day!”

Cooper welcomed his new bandmate at the most recent Punted Child practice, which concluded after 15 minutes when they couldn’t figure out whose cable was buzzing.

“I was kind of surprised when Jeremy hit me up out of the blue to see if he could join my band,” recalled Cooper. “He’s never been to one of our shows, and straight-up told me in the past that he hates my band ‘more than taxes, paper cuts, and having to shit in public restrooms, combined.’ But it’s great to have him jamming with us, because he’s by far the best musician in the band and he just started playing guitar two months ago.”

Waggoner’s girlfriend has been very supportive of his attempt to address his mental health, but worries that the shittiness of his new band will take a toll on their relationship.

“Look, I love Jeremy and everything, but I don’t know if I can support him being in this band for much longer,” admitted Waggoner’s girlfriend Natalie Martinez. “His last show, if you want to call it that, consisted of the singer screaming into a bullhorn with his back turned to the audience, while the rest of the band all seemed to be playing different songs. On top of all that, the drummer forgot his bass drum and stool, so he was just standing back there kind of hitting the snare and cymbals. The only other person at the show got nauseous and had to leave.”

Following Punted Child’s set, Waggoner nearly had a nervous breakdown when he thought a person in the audience begin to clap, but quickly settled down after he realized they were swatting at a fly.