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Guy Who Once Stabbed a Cop with a Screwdriver at a House Show Can’t Believe What Just Happened on “Great British Bake Off”

AUSTIN, Texas — Self-proclaimed anarchist punk Craig Garson, who once stabbed a police officer while on LSD, was flabbergasted last night by the latest episode of “The Great British Bake Off,” friends and family concerned about his mental status report.

“I can’t believe Briony isn’t moving on to the final. This is fucking horse shit; she’s been out-baking all these chumps. Paul and Prue need to get their heads out of their asses,” said Garson, a man whose heart stopped due to a drug overdose four different times by the age of 26. “And I thought Rahul was done when he biffed the technical — I guess those orange curd madeleines really saved him. This is some wild shit.”

Three separate Paul Hollywood handshakes in the episode floored Garson, who years ago bit off a man’s index finger during a bar brawl, even further. “Look at him,” exclaimed the man whose arrest record includes suspected arson and theft of a school bus. “He’s just giving them away today!”

Francis “Jizzboi” Meringer, Garson’s best friend of 11 years and current N.A sponsor, stressed what a far cry Garson’s life is now from what it once was.

“Craig used to be the wildest guy I knew. He was in and out of jail so much, he knew every cop in town by name… and they’d keep a cell ready for him at all times,” confided Meringer. “And if you didn’t have something for him to drink, shoot, or snort, he was slashing your tires for kicks in no time. Now? He binge-watches people proofing dough and he’s like, transfixed. It’s fucking werid.”

Garson’s turn into sobriety and “Great British Baking Show” obsession has been a huge shock to anyone who’s ever known him — most notably, his long-term girlfriend Claire Bennet.

“I met Craig the night he was robbing people outside a Japandroids show at gunpoint,” said Bennet. “If you told me eight years ago that my drugging, cop-stabbing, loose cannon boyfriend would spend his weekends obsessing over a baking show, I would’ve said, ‘Boy, I should date someone else before I’m in too deep here.”

“Jesus Christ, I miss meth,” she added.