CHICAGO — Polyamorous man John Castenda gallantly put both of his girlfriends on his shoulders at the Rainy Days Music Fest last weekend, giving them a better view despite the likely neck and spine damage he will incur, annoyed people in the back of the crowd confirmed.
“Being poly means overcoming petty emotions like jealousy. I couldn’t have them switch off every other song because that would show some sort of preference, so I did the mature thing and hoisted both of them up,” said Castenda, struggling under the weight of the two adult women. “As you can probably guess, we actually deal with just as much bullshit as traditional couples — like earlier today, when I had to hold both of their purses as they went to the bathroom, or when we were all making out and some aggro dudes mistook us for a circle pit.”
Local tall man Don Reilly had the misfortune of standing directly behind the unwieldy tower of humanity.
“At first I thought the dude was just kind of doing it as a gag and that he wouldn’t last more than 15 seconds, but he powered through it. I could see every vein in his neck ready to burst from all the stress of the weight… and I was hoping for the sake of his body that the band cut their set short,” said Reilly. “As a 6’5” guy, I’ve never had my view at a concert blocked before. Seeing this sexy, free-loving Ultraman has really opened up my eyes to the struggles of the vertically challenged.”
Sexologist and expert on non-traditional relationships Dr. Susannah Blair recommended poly individuals take proper precautions before attending outdoor events like music festivals.
“While engaging in a non-traditional relationship can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, it’s not necessarily for everyone. In particular, it is not for those with poor core strength, or those who have difficulty breathing at higher altitudes,” said Dr. Blair. “If you are considering exploring a poly relationship, I recommend that you begin bulking up now, as well as learning some Cirque du Soleil acrobatic moves.”
The evening unfortunately took a serious turn after Castenda and his partners hooked up with another poly group, resulting in the top two women getting third-degree burns from some overhead power lines.