Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Woman Confuses Love for Horniness, Horniness for Needing to Pee

Posted on January 31, 2020 by Shea Strauss

TORONTO — 29-year-old Jazmyn Elliot thought she was falling in love yesterday until she realized she was instead aroused simply from needing to urinate, according to several snickering witnesses at the bar where her date occurred.

“I had a Big Gulp before the date and it fucked me up,” Elliot said. “I could have sworn it was love at first sight — then, after a cocktail, I was imagining our children, little Felicity and Felix, with their perfect noses and curly hair, being held by their loving father. But after excusing myself to use the ladies’ room, I came back to our table and was bored by this incredibly dull man. I’m so grateful I peed before suggesting we go home together and nest.”

Her date, Christian Rahman, walked away completely confused by Elliot’s changing behavior.

“What a whirlwind of emotions,” said Rahman. “Jazmyn was so handsy at first; really flirty. I’m pretty sure she was writing ‘I love you’ with her finger into the palm of my hand. I was into it, but then she went to the bathroom, and when she came back, she kept rolling her eyes at my very studied opinions on the difference between Pepsi and Coke flavors. I don’t know what changed.”

Leading obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Rekha Cervantes noted this confusion occurs commonly.

“A full bladder can push onto the sensitive parts of the genitalia, including the clitoris and its branches, to incite arousal,” explained Dr. Cervantes. “This can also lead to more intense orgasms and heightened feelings of connection to the sexual partner. In fact, hydration is the leading cause of relationships.”

“I recommend that all my patients pee before and after sex. After sex, it’s important to pee to prevent UTIs — urinary tract infections — and, before, it’s important to prevent UFIs — that is, undeserved feelings infections,” she added.

At press time, Elliot was confusing her hatred of a coworker during a weekly meeting with hunger after skipping breakfast. Sources confirm the coworker is only moderately annoying on a full stomach.

Idris Elba Should Be the Next Gex the Gecko

Posted on January 31, 2020 by Tyler Simpson

We all know Gex the Gecko is a pop culture icon. The gecko’s antics are a sight to behold, his tail whips only equaled in power by his hilarious quips. He’s a marvel of the tube ray screen that has influenced countless generations of children.

This is why, now more than ever, it’s an absolute must that Idris Elba be the next Gex the Gecko. I will settle for nothing less.

For too long, children have seen our protagonist played by a white person. Mainly, comedian and voice actor Dana Gould. And because of this, only white children have been able to see themselves becoming a talking gecko that wears a smoking jacket, parodies late-90s pop culture, and has relations with human women. With Idris Elba donning the role of Gex, children of color will finally be able to see themselves represented on the screen, repeating old Steve Martin bits and catching flies with his tongue to regenerate health.

Hollywood has come such a long way when it comes to including people of color, LGBTQ+, and other underrepresented people, but it completely boggles my mind why they haven’t budged when it comes to worldwide standard-definition phenomenon Gex the Gecko. I mean, Idris Elba is the perfect fit. He’s charismatic, handsome as hell, and has a long tongue that he can whip out to both catch items and attack enemies — all the traits required to be Playstation 1 platforming game character Gex the Gecko, one of the most renowned figures in the entire history of both television and cinema.

The industry knows that the entirety of humanity loves and reveres Gex the Gecko. It’s time we shed the antiquated traditions that have begun to bog down the much-beloved and long-running franchise. The world deserves a new Gex the Gecko that better reflects our modern society.

Also, I just saw Idris Elba play a cat so there’s no way he’s not down to play a freaking gecko.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

It’s Been 18 Years Since the Release of Eighteen Visions’ “Vanity” and It Still Sucks

Posted on January 31, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

It’s hard to believe that the “Fashioncore” era of hardcore is nearly two decades old. This was a time that saw many people dying their hair jet black and growing it out enough to flat iron into a perfect Myspace worthy swoop. A time when wearing jeans so skinny and tight that they restricted the blood flow to their feet doing permanent nerve damage was cool as fuck. The seminal album that inspired it all is none other than “Vanity” by the Orange County metalcore outfit Eighteen Visions. 18 years later we look back on this total piece of shit.

The album starts with it’s title track “Vanity.” This song perfectly blends off key singing with generic breakdowns in a way that made every kid with a pair of Saucony shoes grip the back of their Youth Medium black t-shirt and scream back the lyrics that they were using in their AIM away message at that very moment. The 5:46 long track seems to stretch forever in a way that makes you think “Oh shit there are 12 more tracks I need to listen to in order to write this article, this probably isn’t worth the money.”

The next six songs blend together so seamlessly you almost can’t differentiate when one song ends and the next begins. Even upon several attempts on re-listening the results were still the exact same, I had the overwhelming desire to stop the album and reevaluate my life. Maybe go back to school so I wasn’t stuck writing this retrospective.

Track seven titled “The Critic” was the song I was most excited about. Being a fan of the underrated ABC cartoon all my life I fully expected this song to be chock full of references to Jay Sherman, but instead it was just more of the same. All I can say about this track is that it stinks.

Thankfully two out of the remaining six tracks are just filler that is meant to skip. The other four songs seemed to extend forever. As I listened to them I stared at the wall of my bedroom, just imagining a better life for myself and welcoming the sweet release of death.

Final word: Let’s all agree to forget this era of music ever happened.

Come back next week where someone else will review From Autumn to Ashes’ “Too Bad You’re Beautiful” because there is no way I’m doing it.

Comedy Central Cancels “Straight Edge History” After One Episode

Posted on January 31, 2020 by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — Comedy Central announced the cancelation of “Straight Edge History” last night immediately after it’s inaugural episode aired, citing record-low ratings for a premiere and massive online backlash.

“This was clearly a huge mistake… especially since we ran it at 10:30 p.m. which is two hours after most straight edge people go to bed,” admitted Comedy Central Senior Vice President Rob O’Neill. “I guess no one thought it was funny to watch Will Ferrell dressed as John Adams with Xs on his hands mouthing articulate, well-researched historical facts. Lesson learned.”

The series, intended as a sister show to the wildly successful “Drunk History,” was to feature various stone-sober history buffs recounting historical events, with celebrities acting out their completely accurate depictions.

“I was watching ‘Drunk History’ and thought to myself, ‘This would be way better if these actors weren’t poisoning themselves and promoting this degenerate alcoholic lifestyle to kids,’” said show creator William “xWillyx” Fairblock. “Not to mention, all those drunk morons were getting everything wrong. I figured it’d be way more fun if we did the same exact show, but with a clear mind and clear intentions. Turns out nobody else liked it.”

Indeed, reaction to the show was immediately negative, with #CancelHistory trending on Twitter within minutes of its debut.

“I don’t even know where the fuck to start, it was so boring. Give me Rich Fulcher slowly killing himself with alcohol while mispronouncing names next time,” said Twitter user DopeBagTim89. “I hope everyone involved with this show kills themselves. It was that bad.”

Despite the negative reactions, however, O’Neill has a few more tame spinoffs of already popular shows in the works.

“We’ve got one show in the pipeline were Nathan Fielder volunteers at soup kitchens, and another called ‘Just Regular Bots’ — it’s like Battlebots, but without the senseless destruction or comedic commentary,” said O’Neill. “And we’ve got another show with Daniel Tosh, where he just doesn’t say anything homophobic. Look for that one this autumn.”

Punk Didn’t Plan on Living Long Enough for Metabolism to Slow Down This Much

Posted on January 30, 2020 by Ted Pillow

MILWAUKEE — Local punk Doug Reece is surprised and deeply troubled that he has lived long enough for his metabolism to decrease so significantly, according to sources who told him repeatedly that this would eventually happen.

“I really fucked myself over by not dying at 27 like all the greats,” the 33-year-old Reece explained while washing down a 7-Eleven taquito with a warm Heineken tall boy. “I used to eat and drink whatever I wanted and never gain a pound, but now I’m fat as hell. It’s gotten so bad that I start sweating whenever I bend down to tie my shoes. I’ve been trying to cut back, but the only dieting tips I know are ‘Beer before liquor, never been sicker’ and ‘When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time.’”

Reece allegedly has a reputation in his local scene for a bad diet, heavy drinking, and an all-around unhealthy lifestyle. However, friends and family members have warned him for years that his habits would eventually have major repercussions.

“I always knew this day would come,” noted Katie McEwing, Reece’s long-time girlfriend. “You can’t eat a tube of cookie dough while drinking a 12-pack every day and think it’s never going to catch up to you. When I asked him to start working out, he said he keeps in shape by doing ‘pit cardio.’ I told him that once he hit 30 his body would change, and he just mumbled something about metabolism being his ‘least favorite Tool album.’”

Medical professionals and addiction counselors expressed concern that the reckless, hazardous elements of punk culture can have dire consequences on its participants down the road.

“My job is to convince punks to adopt healthier life choices,” stated punk life coach Adrian Campbell. “These kids don’t expect to make it to 30, which leaves them unprepared for basically every major life event that occurs after puberty. So I’ve been hanging around all-ages shows, passing out fliers about eating vegetables and getting a good night’s sleep. It’s a horrible business idea and these teens keep kicking my ass. ”

Reece was last seen trying to justify eating a bucket of fried chicken after midnight by citing the logic of Taco Bell’s defunct “fourth meal” advertising campaign.

It’s Time We Stop Bonershaming 7th Graders in Gym Class 20 Years Ago

Posted on January 30, 2020 by Jay Chanoine

Junior high is a difficult age when even the slightest embarrassment can challenge a young man’s development of confidence in my, I mean his, adult years. An unintentional erection during gym class could make you what some would call “an inadequate sexual partner” or “Barry Bonerpants” well into your thirties.

Even with the cultural shift towards inclusion and acceptance, there has been very little discussion of the relentless bonershaming directed at seventh grade boys in Mr. Jameson’s 7th grade gym class twenty years ago.

By now we all know the dangers of bullying. The ensuing feelings of alienation can cause a wide range of long term consequences, such as waking up at 2 o’clock in the morning soaked in sweat screaming “My shorts are just bunched up!” This particular brand of bullying has always been hypocritical. Every boy in this age group experiences unexplained arousal. And if not, the fact that someone was the first to pop a rod should be a good thing, right? He should be celebrated, not mocked! That’s what I tried to tell them. “Them” of course being bullies who bully people. Not me, though. I was always cool.

The appropriate way to react if you notice an erection on one of your classmates at Kickemuit Middle School in Warren, Rhode Island during the fall of 1998 would be to say nothing and divert attention away from that fact. What you should not do is point at that student and shout, “Oh my God, that totally hypothetical and not real person has a boner!” This reaction is sure to set the victim down a path towards what their therapists will refer to as “The first step is acknowledging that this happened to you and then we can start to move past it.”

Bullying is not a joke.

Mom Says a Cute New Nurse Is Working at the Hospital 1,800 Miles Away from Where You Currently Live

Posted on January 30, 2020 by John Danek

SALT LAKE CITY — Your mom just wanted to let you know today that a single, 22-year-old nurse just started working full-time with her at Uniontown Hospital in Pennsylvania, according to a voicemail left on your phone.

“Hi, Danny, this is Mom,” the voicemail started, after an initial four seconds of silence. “This new nurse just started working with me in the ICU, and I hope you can meet her next time you’re home. She’s single and really sweet and quite good at her job.”

“She doesn’t have any tattoos like that other girl you dated,” continued your mom in between frequent reminders to call her back. “What was her name? Jezebel? No, Jessica! Anyways, there’s also a new IT job posted for the hospital. You’ve always been so good with computers.”

When reached, your sister admitted that these loaded, offhand suggestions aren’t just limited to you.

“Mom feels the need to text me every single time someone from Uniontown has a baby,” said your sister, who owns a successful bookstore in Santa Barbara, Calif. “She’s getting more aggressive about wanting to be a grandmother, so one of us needs to have a kid soon to get her off our backs, and it’s not gonna be me. Take one for the team, dude.”

Despite your mother’s well-intended matchmaking, Uniontown, Pa. is approximately 1,800 miles from Salt Lake City, where you have happily lived and worked at a popular ski mountain for the past four years.

“Oh, yes, [your mom] is so nice. She shows me baby pictures of her adult children regularly,” said Mae Caplin, the alleged new nurse at Uniontown Hospital’s Intensive Care Unit. “She even did that thing where you can suggest two people be friends on Facebook… which I thought they removed, but she still did it somehow.”

“Honestly, there are about 27 other mothers I see almost daily trying to hook me up with their single sons,” Caplin added. “Thankfully, absolutely none of their kids live nearby, so I won’t have to go on any awkward dates.”

As of press time, your mom left second voicemail simply stating, “You should redo your voicemail greeting; you sound angry in it. Don’t you want people to think you’re nice?”

I Didn’t Spend 50 Years Breastfeeding Baby Yoda for Some Asshole in a Helmet to Get All the Credit

Posted on January 30, 2020 by Ella Gale

Fifty years is a long time. Almost as long as my nipples after half a century of breastfeeding. Seriously, my poor areolas are as tattered and listless as the sails of a ghost ship. And why? Because I’m Baby Yoda’s goddamn birth mother, that’s why.

So imagine how shocked I was to discover that some helmet-head is getting his beskar cup sucked for FUCKING SELLING MY BABY TO WERNER HERZOG. You’re telling me that I took MULTIPLE DECADES of maternity leave from space wizardry just to get my thunder stolen by a tin man with a blacksmith fetish?

And I miss working. The only time I use my lightsaber anymore is to slice up the latest breast pump that has failed me. I’ll show YOU a “ten year warranty.”

The galaxy may be far, far away. Another thing that’s far, far away is my breasts after fifty years of daily suckling. I stopped getting pedicures because I was tired of having to push my tits out of the way. At this point lifting my boobs off the ground would require some kind of colossal act of space wizardry HMM DO YOU KNOW ANY WELL-ADJUSTED CHILDREN CAPABLE OF SUCH AN ACT?????!!!

But was this sacrifice rewarded? Do I get my own TV show? No, that honor goes to some titanium-ass scarecrow who spends half the series locking MY baby in a goddamn floating orb. Is there even a fucking blanket in there, you shiny, dickless freelancer?

Look, I’m thrilled to have my INFANT SON’S primary caretaker teach him emotions ranging from ‘coldly stoic’ to ‘WAIT THAT’S STILL THE SAME EXPRESSION BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER TAKEN YOUR GODDAMN HELMET OFF.’ You can’t raise a kid without eye contact or human emotion. Just ask my father. This is “the way”? Yeah, the way to raise a weird-ass baby with no social skills!

I hope someone locks YOU in the unpadded compartment of a spaceship with no lightsource. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish you would have left my little boy with Werner Herzog!

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

The New Pornographers’ “Mass Romantic” Turns 20 This Year And So Does The Son You Barely Know

Posted on January 30, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

Can you believe the album that made us fall in love with Neko Case, Dan Bejar and the other members of The New Pornographers turns twenty this year? Not to mention the child that came as a result of a one night stand in college, whose name you can’t quite remember, also turns twenty.

Every time you hear “To Wild Homes” it can’t help but remind you of your road trip to Memphis. And every time “Mystery Hour” plays you remember that anonymous girl telling you she’s pregnant and you begging her to get an abortion. But she didn’t, and you found comfort in “Mass Romantic.”

Now, revisiting this album two decades later, “Letter From An Occupant” actually makes sense to you. Maybe it’s because you have a child on the other side of the country that you really only know via monthly child support checks. Although, you do remember that “The Body Says No” was playing in your car when you skipped town when she told you she was going into labor. Perhaps you should revisit your son more than one weekend a year.

Can you believe how foolish you were to get the lyrics “hope grows greener than grass stains” tattooed on your forearm? Also how foolish you were not to use protection during a hookup at a house party thrown by the college’s improv group? “Mass Romantic” was playing in the living room and you always think of that moment when you hear “Execution Day.” Although you don’t think of the product of that moment when you hear the album, ironically.

Those esoteric lyrics backed by catchy new-wave poppiness, this album never ages. But your son has, he’s twenty and actually attending the same college where he was conceived. Funny how cyclical life is sometimes. “To wild homes we go, To wild homes we return,” am I right? A.C. Newman knows what he’s talking about.

Blaine! That’s your son’s name. Oh wait, no, that’s the keyboardist for The New Pornographers.

Hardcore Frontman Cheats On Diet With Underage Diet

Posted on January 30, 2020 by Rose Vineshank

BALTIMORE — Local frontman Dave Kuenen of hardcore band Hammer & Nail is under scrutiny today for allegedly cheating on his long-term diet with an underage diet.

“I knew something was up when I offered him some aged wine and he gagged a little,” said Hammer & Nail bass player Sammy Lister. “Dave makes a big deal about how his diet is so important to him, but he gets so weird any time he’s around food that isn’t immediately ready to consume. One time, I saw him put an orange on his plate while it was still green. I was like, ‘Dude, you’re into that stuff?’ He freaked out and blamed the venue for being too dark for him to notice. I don’t know if you can even call an orange an orange when it’s green, but one thing’s for sure: the flags were definitely red.”

Despite these allegations, Kuenen maintained he has not deviated from his strict New Year’s resolution to eat age-appropriate, ethically sourced foods.

“All these rumors about my eating habits are ridiculous. I’m very dedicated to my diet, even when I’m out on the road and it’s hard to stay faithful. Sure, I make music aimed at 16-year-olds, but I’m not the kind of guy who picks Gogurt over Chobani like some immature weirdo,” said Kuenen. “It’s just… sometimes the packaging makes a food look way older than it is — like how my bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s isn’t actually over 18-years-old, despite looking like a full-grown woman. Very misleading.”

According to scene dietician Karen Nguyen, this behavior is all too common on tour.

“These guys get such a power complex — they’ll think they can just eat grapes straight off the vine, no matter what season it is,” said Nguyen. “Sure, sometimes foods with fake nutrition labels get past the cooks, but even then, it’s still the band’s responsibility to send it back to the chef. This is about accountability.”

In related news, death metal band and accused necrophiliacs Swelling Pestilence were spotted trespassing yesterday on an organic farm, eating only rotten vegetables.

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