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Woman Confuses Love for Horniness, Horniness for Needing to Pee

TORONTO — 29-year-old Jazmyn Elliot thought she was falling in love yesterday until she realized she was instead aroused simply from needing to urinate, according to several snickering witnesses at the bar where her date occurred.

“I had a Big Gulp before the date and it fucked me up,” Elliot said. “I could have sworn it was love at first sight — then, after a cocktail, I was imagining our children, little Felicity and Felix, with their perfect noses and curly hair, being held by their loving father. But after excusing myself to use the ladies’ room, I came back to our table and was bored by this incredibly dull man. I’m so grateful I peed before suggesting we go home together and nest.”

Her date, Christian Rahman, walked away completely confused by Elliot’s changing behavior.

“What a whirlwind of emotions,” said Rahman. “Jazmyn was so handsy at first; really flirty. I’m pretty sure she was writing ‘I love you’ with her finger into the palm of my hand. I was into it, but then she went to the bathroom, and when she came back, she kept rolling her eyes at my very studied opinions on the difference between Pepsi and Coke flavors. I don’t know what changed.”

Leading obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Rekha Cervantes noted this confusion occurs commonly.

“A full bladder can push onto the sensitive parts of the genitalia, including the clitoris and its branches, to incite arousal,” explained Dr. Cervantes. “This can also lead to more intense orgasms and heightened feelings of connection to the sexual partner. In fact, hydration is the leading cause of relationships.”

“I recommend that all my patients pee before and after sex. After sex, it’s important to pee to prevent UTIs — urinary tract infections — and, before, it’s important to prevent UFIs — that is, undeserved feelings infections,” she added.

At press time, Elliot was confusing her hatred of a coworker during a weekly meeting with hunger after skipping breakfast. Sources confirm the coworker is only moderately annoying on a full stomach.