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Comedy Central Cancels “Straight Edge History” After One Episode

NEW YORK — Comedy Central announced the cancelation of “Straight Edge History” last night immediately after it’s inaugural episode aired, citing record-low ratings for a premiere and massive online backlash.

“This was clearly a huge mistake… especially since we ran it at 10:30 p.m. which is two hours after most straight edge people go to bed,” admitted Comedy Central Senior Vice President Rob O’Neill. “I guess no one thought it was funny to watch Will Ferrell dressed as John Adams with Xs on his hands mouthing articulate, well-researched historical facts. Lesson learned.”

The series, intended as a sister show to the wildly successful “Drunk History,” was to feature various stone-sober history buffs recounting historical events, with celebrities acting out their completely accurate depictions.

“I was watching ‘Drunk History’ and thought to myself, ‘This would be way better if these actors weren’t poisoning themselves and promoting this degenerate alcoholic lifestyle to kids,’” said show creator William “xWillyx” Fairblock. “Not to mention, all those drunk morons were getting everything wrong. I figured it’d be way more fun if we did the same exact show, but with a clear mind and clear intentions. Turns out nobody else liked it.”

Indeed, reaction to the show was immediately negative, with #CancelHistory trending on Twitter within minutes of its debut.

“I don’t even know where the fuck to start, it was so boring. Give me Rich Fulcher slowly killing himself with alcohol while mispronouncing names next time,” said Twitter user DopeBagTim89. “I hope everyone involved with this show kills themselves. It was that bad.”

Despite the negative reactions, however, O’Neill has a few more tame spinoffs of already popular shows in the works.

“We’ve got one show in the pipeline were Nathan Fielder volunteers at soup kitchens, and another called ‘Just Regular Bots’ — it’s like Battlebots, but without the senseless destruction or comedic commentary,” said O’Neill. “And we’ve got another show with Daniel Tosh, where he just doesn’t say anything homophobic. Look for that one this autumn.”