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Man at Super Bowl Party Will Have You Know Football Means Something Different for Rest of World

PHILADELPHIA — Friend-of-a-friend and uninvited Super Bowl party guest Bartholomew Youngblood just wants everyone to know that the word “football” means something entirely different to those that live in the rest of the world, side-eyed party guests reported.

“Just saying,” Youngblood said while adjusting his vintage Manchester United soccer jersey. “When the room went silent after my comment, I figured no one had heard that fact before, so I went down to their level and let them know that guacamole is actually a traditional dish from Mexico. That seemed to leave them speechless as well. I learned so many interesting tidbits like that during my trip to London my parents surprised me with for my birthday last year — I just had to share a part of my journey with everyone.”

“The funny thing about London is, they don’t use the word elevator. They call them ‘lifts,’” he added while talking to the void.

Most guests steered clear of Youngblood for the rest of the evening, aside from a select few who genuinely tried to relate to him.

“He seemed to be having a tough go of it and it wasn’t even the second quarter yet, so I tried to make him feel more comfortable, especially being a fan of soccer myself,” party guest Dave Wixlor noted. “Turns out, the guy knew literally nothing about the sport, despite wearing some old soccer shirt he said he got on Etsy for like, $150. Serves me right for trying to talk to someone wearing vintage sportswear ironically. Lesson learned.”


Experts have been warning party hosts about these kind of social downers in recent years.

“They’re like amusement vampires and will suck the fun right out of your party,” event planner Elaine Jesterly said. “Nowadays, we typically recommend intentionally not inviting these types of killjoys, so your guests can socialize with ease. At weddings, for instance, they’ll start conversations by saying ‘marriage is an antiquated tradition that oppresses women’ or something like that. You can easily spot one of them because they start sentences with phrases like, ‘Well, actually’ all the time.”

At press time, Youngblood was heard explaining how each player on the field almost certainly has some form of CTE.

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