Press "Enter" to skip to content

Acoustic Bass Industry Begs Violent Femmes to Buy Another Acoustic Bass

MILWAUKEE — Representatives from the top acoustic bass manufacturers gathered yesterday outside Violent Femmes bassist Brian Ritchie’s house to beg him to purchase another bass to keep their industry afloat.

“Please, please, please, buy this bass!” shouted Ovation Guitars rep Dana Cartwright, standing on the front lawn holding an Applause Elite bass over her head. “Our entire customer base is just you and confused moms who buy their kid a bass for Christmas by accident. We rely on you, Brian, and we haven’t sold a bass in years. They’re just rotting in warehouses — even landfills won’t take them.”

Ritchie, who has played an acoustic bass in Violent Femmes since their formation in 1980, is widely regarded as the only musician ever to use an acoustic bass to make good music.

“Oh, God — not these guys again,” said Ritchie with a sigh. “These clowns show up in my yard at the end of every fiscal quarter when their accounting departments start melting down. Ovation, Dean, Taylor… all the heavy hitters. I wish they would just kiss off.”

“You can’t help but feel bad for them, but I already have four acoustic basses and I only use two. I guess that means I have the most extensive collection in the world, but that’s nothing to brag about,” continued Ritchie. “I actually want to sell some of my basses to free up some room here, but I can’t bear to see the look on the company reps’ faces when they see my Reverb posting.”

An economist shed some light on the acoustic bass industry’s status.

“Young people simply aren’t playing catchy folk-punk anymore,” explained Jacob Struthers, economist-in-chief at Forbes Magazine. “Ever since the boom of hip-hop and electronic music, acoustic music has been on the decline, and the few folk-punk acts out there play yelpy, superficially political trash. Violent Femmes endure despite the inherent ugly quality of acoustic bass. But until someone figures out a way to nail acoustic vaporwave for the kids, we don’t see this trend reversing anytime soon.”

In related news, the world’s flute manufacturers have set up tents outside the Wiltshire, England home of Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson in a desperate plea for a new album.