Press "Enter" to skip to content

Inclusive Frat Guy Draws Both Penises and Vaginas on Passed Out Freshmen

LOS ANGELES — Inclusive frat guy Dylan Sargosta bravely drew both vaginas and penises on passed out freshmen during Friday night’s party at University of Southern California’s Sigma Chi fraternity, witnesses report.

“I consider myself one kick-ass ally,” Sargosta said, wearing a “this is what a feminist looks like” shirt. “I have a mom and sister, and also bang tons of women, so their struggle is an issue that’s very close to my heart. Whenever I see misrepresentation around me, I do my best to correct the behavior — drawing a few vajayjays alongside my normal load of dicks on these unconscious frosh faces is just how I show support to all those who identify as chicks out there.”

Fellow fraternity members applauded his efforts.

“I woke up to an alarming amount of reproductive organs sketched onto my face after passing out last weekend,” freshman classmate Brodie Weiders said. “I was pretty pissed at Dylan at first, but when he explained that he’s fighting for equality in our hazing rituals and partying traditions, I was totally on board. In fact, I was so inspired, I left a couple of vag depictions on my face all day long to signal to others that I am pro-women and pro-abortion rights in rape cases, obviously. Really hoping my crush noticed that gesture.”

University department heads have long championed inclusion in the school’s curriculum and campus activities, but feel there is even more room for improvement.

 

“We cram inclusivity into all of our course syllabi,” University Dean Charles Hamptone noted. “However, this isn’t exactly the sort of response we had in mind. We want to encourage our undergraduates to find innovative ways to enact change, yet do so a little more gracefully. For instance, maybe Dylan would benefit from taking human anatomy and nude drawing classes to really sharpen those vaginal depictions. After all, nothing says feminism allyship more than a classroom full of men drawing a woman’s nether regions tastefully for their elective credit.”

At press time, Sargosta and his fraternity brothers were seen chanting “all genitalia matter” at a campus women’s march in what they called “an act of solidarity,” before embarking on their Saturday night routine of “shuttin’ down the titty bar.”

Shop The Hard Times Webstore Relaunch

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.