TUCSON, Ariz. — Local woman and your mom audibly wondered what ever happened to that nice boy you used to fuck, the question coming seemingly out of nowhere during a visit home to do a load of laundry last Tuesday morning.
“I think his name was Kyle. Or maybe Jeremy? The one with the brown hair. What ever happened to him?” your mom asked, referring to the man you briefly slept with last summer during a particularly low point in your life and have ultimately regretted ever since. “He sounded like a nice young man, but you haven’t mentioned him in a while. How are things going with him? I hope you didn’t scare him off like you did with Omar. You know what I’m talking about.”
Initial reports suggest your mother may be referring to Damien Schilling, the 35-year-old rock-climbing instructor and bass player you had several mediocre sexual encounters with, despite the fact that he repeatedly blew you off for his bandmates and then slept with your next-door neighbor.
“He was the one you met through a mutual friend from college, I think. Are you guys still a thing?” your mother continued. “Maybe you could invite him to your cousin’s wedding. I’m sure everyone would love to meet him.”
The question is expected to turn an otherwise tolerable exchange into a stressful and uncomfortable conversation that will likely set you back a few sessions in therapy.
“Yeah, I remember that piece of shit,” you stated privately. “I reluctantly matched with him on Tinder at like, 2 a.m. and over the next six weeks he managed to ruin my birthday and be the entire fucking reason I lost my security deposit on my old apartment. I don’t even know why I ever mentioned him to my parents, but now that I think about it, I was probably just trying to distract her from the $40 I borrowed last month.”
At press time, you were mentally preparing for your mom to bring up several other emotionally triggering issues, including the apartment you wanted and didn’t get, what you plan on doing with your art degree, and the fact that your sister just got promoted at work.