FLATWOODS, Ky. — Local woman and sloppy-wasted friend Kara Stanley offered a play-by-play account moments ago of the “absolute ass-kicking” she would’ve given that dude who cut you in line at the gas station this morning if he tried pulling that bullshit on her, according to sources.
“Oh, hell no, dude. Fuck that shit!” an agitated Stanley yelled, immediately after you began explaining how a man cut in front of you while you attempted to buy an iced tea at the Super Quick. “If that was me, dude, I would’ve tapped him on the shoulder and been — no, wait, I would’ve thrown that tea at his fucking stupid head, kicked him in the fucking dick, and then I’d literally shit on him. I fucking swear to God, I would pull my pants down and fucking shit on him. I dare any motherfucker here to try to pull something like that on me and see what happens!”
Eye witnesses were reportedly entertained by Stanley’s promise to beat up the “piece of shit cock-ass” in question.
“She cussed a whole lot, and just kept yelling, ‘You don’t know me’ every other minute,” recalled local man Donny Orta. “My brother and I used to be really into the backyard wrestling scene, but seeing a shitfaced, 90-pound thing acting out a simultaneous choke hold/roundhouse kick combination without spilling a single drop of her Long Island iced tea is some of the most entertaining shit I’ve seen in years.”
Despite Stanley’s confident review of the brutal ass-beating, those close to her confirm she’d never do anything remotely confrontational in real-life situations.
“I love Kara, but that girl talks so much shit when she’s drunk, even though she’d never do anything remotely offensive if something like that happened to her,” claimed Stanley’s roommate Tasha Nicks. “I remember when her cell phone provider overcharged her and she went off about it for like 20 minutes, talking about how she was gonna tear everyone at Boost Mobile a new asshole. But I overheard her on the call, which lasted about 30 seconds — she got super quiet, said ‘thanks’ a bunch, and somehow ended up apologizing to them.”
Stanley allegedly later foretold exactly how the email in which she tells her boss to “fuck off and eat shit” would read to a stranger in the restroom who was trying to make a phone call.