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Desperate Volcano Willing to Accept Virgins Who Have Only Done Butt Stuff

HILO, Hawaii — Active volcano Mauna Loa retracted it’s strict “virgins only” policy last week and is now open to accepting sacrifices of people who have only engaged in ass play, sources known to commune with the volcano confirmed.

“Look, I’m not happy about this. I’d prefer virgins fresh as the driven snow, with a hymen as thick as a cow’s tongue,” lamented Mauna Loa while churning molten lava. “But times change. Girls experiment more than they used to before letting a big ol’ salami in through the front door. And a volcano’s gotta eat — it doesn’t even matter if they are ‘my type’ at this point. I’m open to any sorts of women; just toss ‘em on down.”

However, longtime Hilo resident Kai Iona was doubtful any virgins were ever sacrificed to the volcano in the first place.

“I’ve heard stories that this may have been a practice that happened thousands of years ago, and you definitely see it in movies… but nobody here is throwing anyone into that volcano,” said Iona. “Don’t get me wrong: we don’t want that sucker erupting. I have a car dealership right at the base, and I’d be fucked if the volcano blew its top.”

Vulcanist Dr. Janice Pleatherwood explained that, while virgin sacrifice was once thought to be an effective strategy against eruption, not every volcano has the same definition of what constitutes “sex” or how one exactly “loses their virginity.”

“Krakatoa, infamous for the largest eruption in human history in 1883, had been warning for years that it considered ‘just the tip’ as a clear loss of virginity,” said Pleatherwood. “And that one volcano in Pompeii lost it when someone fed it a ‘virgin’ who’d been known around town to be quite talented with her hands, if you catch my drift.”

Mauna Loa may not be alone in bemoaning a lack of sacrifices. Lono, a once-feared Hawaiian rain and fertility god, was allegedly overhead bellowing from the heavens, “I used to get still-beating hearts sacrificed to me. Now I’m lucky to get leftover ‘Locks of Love’ donations.”