FAIRHOPE, Ala. — Davey Armstrong, the only drummer of note in his small town, is doing a poor job of hiding the fact that he loves every local band trying to woo him like he’s a proper southern belle of upstanding virtue, potential suitors who desperately need him for their band’s rhythm section confirmed.
“Yeah, it’s super weird, right? Everyone is just being really nice to little ol’ me. I don’t know what that’s all about. They must really like drummers,” said a smirking Armstrong while one guitarist rubbed his feet and another fed him grapes. “Sure, all the free dinners, vinyl, and bags of weed have been nice, but all I really care about is the music. That’s why I think I need another six months to a year of bands sweeping me off my feet before I make my final decision.”
A local guitarist, who wished to remain anonymous, called out Armstrong for “playing dumb” and “leading bands on.”
“Davey knows exactly what the fuck is going on. Throw a stone in this town and you’ll hit some dickhead who plays guitar. But drummers? Forget it. That’s why we’re all laying it on so thick,” said the anonymous guitarist. “Of course, Davey wasn’t always the only drummer in town: there used to be a guy named Todd, but tripping face and screwing around with roman candles will end a music career real quick.”
Armstrong’s father Colonel Spencer Armstrong insisted that while his son has his pick of the litter, he “shan’t be flimflammed by petty favors.”
“If I had my druthers, I’d insist Davey hold out for a respectable band. But I reckon it’s far too easy for a sweet young thing like my 29-year-old son to get swept up in all the attention foisted upon him,” said Col. Armstrong. “In addition to finding a nice band with bonafides, I also believe that whomever Davey chooses should bestow some sort of dowry upon the drummer’s family. Oh, and no sludge metal. That shit fucking sucks.”
At press time, two local bands attempting to court Armstrong had allegedly run afoul of one another, and are now planning to duel for “the right to Davey’s hand.”