Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

We Interviewed Anarcho-Punk Pioneers the Boxcar Children

Posted on February 24, 2020 by James Knapp

Anarcho-punk is deeply rooted in left-wing politics and DIY culture. Few other genres of music can boast the same dedication. However, it can be hard to trace the root of this commitment and the genre’s anarchist ideology in general. Fortunately, we were able to sit down with genre pioneers and titular characters from Gertrude Chandler Warner’s “The Boxcar Children” to explore anarcho-punk culture and ideology in depth.

The Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us today.

Jessie Boxcar: This isn’t some kind of sellout, corporate fan rag, is it?

No. No. The Hard Times is completely DIY.

Henry ‘Jim-Bones’ Boxcar: You better not be lying, you corporate fascist. We’ll fuck you up.

Neat. First question: how did you originally get involved in anarcho-punk?

Violet Boxcar: That’s a stupid question. It sounds like something a sellout would ask.

Interesting. Next, you guys have a pretty tragic backstory; orphaned, abandoned. Has that affected your worldview?

Benny Boxcar: Hey, look guys! I found some more rusty spoons.

Henry: Good. We can sharpen them into knives. Wait, what was your question?

Never mind. You basically just answered it. Do you think your choice to live in a boxcar affected the direction of anarcho-punk as a whole?

Jessie: You don’t choose the boxcar. It chooses you.

How’s that?

Violet: Figures a corporate sellout wouldn’t understand. Fascist.

Understood. What kind of music do you guys listen to?

Benny: I like Depeche Mode.

Jessie: Shhh! Shut up, you little corporate sellout poser narc fascist fuck.

Okay, last question. Is it true you’re all actually the rich grandchildren of an affluent steel baron and this whole boxcar schtick is just you goofy fucks playing around?

Henry: The jig is up! Everybody, back to the boxcar.

Violet: You mean the summerhouse?

Henry: Just fucking move!

Nü-Metal Doctor Asks You to Open Mouth and Say, “Ooh WA-AH-AH-AH-AH!”

Posted on February 24, 2020 by Kevin Tit

LANCASTER, Pa. — Local woman and Three Days Grace Family Care Clinic patient Wendy Adair was instructed yesterday by her nü-metal doctor to open her mouth and say, “Ooh WA-AH-AH-AH!” during a routine check-up, multiple badass motherfuckers confirmed.

“85% of Americans come down with the sickness every year, and I took an oath to help them,” said Dr. Ronnie “Big Ron” Hornback, who moonlights as a local Godsmack cover band bassist. “Sure, I’m a little unconventional, and some of my methods have stupefied my colleagues, but opening your mouth and simply saying, ‘ahh’ isn’t gonna give me an accurate visual. The ‘Ooh WA-AH-AH-AH!’ opens up the throat a little more, so I can better see what’s going on in there and work faster. Plus, it sounds fucking dope as fuck.”

Adding to the legend of his methods, clinic staff confirmed Dr. Hornback has taken to wearing a duster as a lab coat.

“There’s a pretty loose dress code here,” explained receptionist Kayla Gomez. “It’s the first job I’ve had that actually encouraged me to wear my eyebrow ring and bondage JNCOs to work. And patients love that we’re the only clinic in town that lets you vape indoors.”

“I set the ringtone for the office phone to be that one part from Korn’s ‘Twist’ where Jonathan Davis scats,” Gomez later added. “It’s fucking sick — usually the people in the waiting room will get up and start a push pit every time the phone rings.”

For her part, Adair likes her doctor, despite not really being a fan of nü-metal.

“I fucking hate most nü-metal, and most of the staff say ‘da’ instead of ‘the,’ but I really shouldn’t complain. Dr. Hornback is great at his job,” said Adair. “Sure, sometimes he rants about how Paul Simon could never sing ‘The Sound of Silence’ as good as David Draiman, but this is the only place that accepts my health insurance. Plus, if I ever want my nipples pierced, they’ll do it for free.”

In partnership with “Big Ron” Hornback’s clinic, Slipknot’s Corey Taylor is reportedly gifting staff tickets to this year’s KnotFest.

Lazy Obstetrician Just Pulling On Baby Until Umbilical Cord Untangles

Posted on February 23, 2020 by Zach Russell

HOUSTON — Veteran obstetrician Brian Lein spent upwards of 10 minutes yesterday indifferently tugging on a patient’s newborn in an attempt to untangle the rat’s nest of an umbilical cord resulting from delivery, concerned onlookers confirmed.

“Christ, every time. I’ve been pulling kids out of women for, gosh, 20 years now… and only twice — twice — has the damn thing come out leading a perfect, straight line,” Dr. Lein muttered while yanking on the minutes-old child. “All this hype about ‘the wonders of modern medicine,’ yet we still don’t have cordless umbilicals? It’s like having to sort out Christmas lights only coated in placenta. CHRIST, COME ON. BASTARD!!”

Jeaneane Franklin, the observing nurse in the room, stifled a gasp at Dr. Lein’s attempt, which she called “futile” and “kind of fucked up.”

“It’s just shocking that an OB-GYN of his tenure would deviate so far from standard procedure,” Franklin admitted. “We’re all taught in situations like this to trace the cord with your finger from the belly button to the tangle, gently thread the baby’s head through the first loop, and repeat. I don’t think he’s causing any permanent damage, but he’s definitely creating a bunch of tight knots that someone is going to have to use their teeth to untie.”

The newborn’s father Rich Barns found himself blurting out excuses at Dr. Lein, whose continued, fruitless yanks were only tightening the mass.

“I told the doctor that I’m really sorry about all this. When my wife and I started trying for a kid, I made sure to ejaculate in a neat, tight coil just like all the books said,” said Barns sheepishly. “When I saw our beautiful daughter pop out with that swampy tumbleweed behind her, I couldn’t help but feel at least half responsible. Next time my wife gets pregnant, I’m going to make sure she has an internal cord organizing system so we can avoid this mess.”

At press time, the child’s mother had frustratedly grabbed a scalpel, bent down, and cut the cord an inch away from her child’s belly, rendering the whole point moot.

We Cannot, As a Society, Allow Hideo Kojima to Read ‘Infinite Jest’

Posted on February 23, 2020 by LD Wallace

I strongly believe in artistic expression and the freedom of ideas. However, the balance of our society is far more fragile than any work of art, and every few decades a bold iconoclast rises up to shatter the paradigms of the world we think we know. That is why I implore you all: We cannot allow Hideo Kojima to read Infinite Jest.

Can you imagine what he would do with that mess of a book knocking around in his brain? Recall the most pretentious David Foster Wallace fan you knew in college and the dog-eared copy of the novel that he dutifully lugged around campus. Can you see him? Light-washed, ankle-cuffed jeans, corduroy shirt neatly layered under a faded denim jacket? Now imagine that guy, but if he made Metal Gear Solid 2.

This is the reality we could face if we let Hideo Kojima read Infinite Jest. Everything is at stake.

In case you’ve been lucky enough to avoid Infinite Jest in your own life, let me explain the seriousness of the situation: in the book, the US, Mexico, and Canada form a superpower coalition called the “Organization of North American Nations.” It’s not even part of the main plot, just basic establishing details. There’s also a group of political radicals planning a massive coup, incestuous family dynamics, and a video tape that is so entertaining it kills you. I can literally hear Kojima salivating from here.

All of Kojima’s exhausting plot ideas have come from a brain that hasn’t yet read Infinite Jest — as far as we know, anyway; I’m sure we’d be able to tell if he already had. Just imagine what he would try to feed us if he knew you could get away with as many footnotes as Wallace does. Every future Kojima Productions game could come with a thousand-page manual detailing whatever crosses the man’s mind if we’re not careful. Do you want a detailed summary of every Wikipedia hole Kojima has fallen down in a five-year period? I don’t. I have a family that I need to spend time with.

So please, I implore you. If you see Hideo Kojima out in public with a copy of Infinite Jest, walk right up to him and knock that sucker out of his hands. Don’t be fooled if he tries to hide by reading an eBook, either. If you see Kojima holding a Nook or a Kindle, just destroy it on sight to be safe.

Do you think I’m overreacting? Well, be careful: Infinite Jest also features a giant US-funded radioactive dump in Canada called “The Great Concavity.” We really can’t afford to fuck around. He would lap that shit up.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: Technically Yes, but It Was for Public Urination so It’s Kinda Bullshit

Posted on February 23, 2020 by John Danek

So it said on your profile that you enjoy rock climbing. Well, I have a paralyzing fear of heights but I’d totally go and watch you climb! Oh, you Googled me? Oh, ummm, ha ha. I’m guessing you saw some interesting results on there. You can’t believe everything you read on the internet, right? But yeah, I guess you can believe the sheriff’s office.

Look, it’s not what you think. Technically speaking, yes, in the eyes of the law, I am a sex offender. But it was just for public urination so it’s kinda bullshit. It had nothing to do with sex, which I definitely have had and am quite talented at.

Drunk? No, I wasn’t drunk. I’m actually straight edge. We pee outside too, sometimes. And I would actually argue that I was normalizing safe, responsible outdoor urination. Why is society stuck on these puritanical views of our genitals? It’s just pee! Sex predator? No. Sex positive? Absolutely.

But to answer your question, no children saw me. Actually I don’t know because I didn’t look around first. But I really doubt it. And I was flaccid as hell! I’m not some perv who pees hard.

Well, yeah, there were other charges. The incident occurred at the National Archives Museum so some overzealous, patriotic idiot cop attempted to charge me with treason, too. Which is insane, by the way. That charge was dropped almost instantly so I don’t know why they can’t scrub that from Google results.

But the most ridiculous thing is that I had to go through a separate trial for a “human trafficking” misunderstanding. It’s actually a pretty funny story. Perfect for a first date (wink wink).

More to the point, I learned a valuable lesson in that ordeal: always check the trunk of your car before crossing state lines. But the truth is I was a patsy. I had no idea what was going on.

What? You didn’t see any mention of that online? Oh, umm, forget I said that. So… my place or yours?

Facebook Adds New “Wow This Is Pretty Racist but You’re Also My Dad” Reaction

Posted on February 23, 2020 by Jonah Nink

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced this morning that the social media giant is launching a new reaction option to allow users to express their conflicting feelings over racist posts made by their parents and loved ones.

“Actual conversations with your parents and older family members about what is and isn’t appropriate to post are uncomfortable, tedious, and not easily tracked and sold to advertisers,” said Zuckerberg. “We felt that it was important to allow our users to be able to express the horror of seeing the people who raised you share racist memes and articles about, say, measuring skull sizes, but without actually taking substantial measures that would change the way people interact with our platform.”

The new reaction, which depicts a wincing emoji face holding a picture of its father teaching it how to ride a bike, will reportedly sit between the “wow” and “sad” reactions. When clicked, the reaction will appear as an “angry” reaction to any of the user’s friends younger than 35.

“The other day, my dad shared a video of a guy ranting about how Disney’s ‘Song of the South’ should be shown in schools,” said Aaron Jacobs, a Facebook user who helped test the new reaction. “Thanks to Facebook, I can now accurately express the existential crisis that comes with watching the man who taught me how to tie my shoes unwittingly share shit so vile it would make Mel Gibson blush.”

Feedback has been mostly positive, however, with many users claiming the reaction allows them to look good in front of their younger friends without publicly shaming their parents. Despite the strong reception, however, Facebook’s new reaction still has some critics.

“The problem isn’t that we don’t want to talk to our parents about what is and isn’t racist — it’s that we don’t want to talk to our parents at all,” said tech journalist Jenny Watts. “This platform radicalizes middle-aged adults in a way we might never come back from. When I was growing up, my parents always taught me to love everyone equally; now, they’re both ranting about how we need to drug test people on welfare.”

Facebook is also beta-testing a new feature on Instagram, which only shows parents photos of their adult children in professional settings “getting business done,” as opposed to the myriad of thirst traps regularly posted by their offspring.

We Revisit “The Craft” Because the Hot New Cashier Wears Fishnets Sometimes

Posted on February 23, 2020 by John Danek

Nostalgia for the ‘90s appeals to absolutely everyone. You can’t even work a shift at Kroger without seeing someone in a “Dexter’s Lab” graphic tee, like that new cashier in aisle three who wore fishnets yesterday to complete the whole ensemble. When did she start? Last week? Ha. I barely noticed…

Anyways, that’s why I want to take this chance to reflect on an important movie from the ‘90s: the witchy teen classic “The Craft.” So go put on some extra mascara and black lipstick—or did that cashier wear purple lipstick when we worked until close on Sunday?— and come with us on a trip down memory lane.

“The Craft” is one of the first movies to treat witchcraft with the seriousness it deserves. Not that I necessarily believe in any of that stuff. Or wait, hmm… have you heard that she’s into that sort of thing? I mean, it’s fun to think about, I guess.

The protagonist of the movie, Sarah Bailey, casts a spell on her crush Chris which forces him to fall in love with her. But he’s a total moron if he needs a spell to fall for someone so pretty that also has a little sexy darkness underneath the surface.

Yeah I guess like, I’m a Wiccan and shit. Yeah.

The performances in “The Craft” had such an impact on me, I instantly went full-on goth. Here’s my first grade yearbook picture to prove it. Yeah, the picture is tiny and black-and-white, but believe me, I was absolutely rocking goth makeup, just like Fairuza Balk’s character Nancy. Do you think she’ll buy that? I mean, see that?

The point is, “The Craft” is a hugely underrated film. I have totally watched it before and didn’t just watch for the first time in the hopes of using it to strike up a conversation with the hot new girl in the break room.

Hollywood is finally giving “The Craft” the remake it deserves. And you know what? I’m gonna ask that cashier to go with me. Do you think she’ll be busy early-to-mid 2021 barring production setbacks?

Punk Mom’s Tattoos of Kids’ Names More of a Reminder Than Loving Tribute

Posted on February 23, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

CAPE MAY, N.J. — Punk mom Tracy Barber admitted today that the forearm tattoos listing the names of her children are more a “practical reminder” than a “sign of a parent’s unconditional love,” disappointed but unsurprised familial sources confirmed.

“I used to do a lot of drugs before I had kids… and after the kids were born, and sometimes still on the weekends. Needless to say, my memory is shit. What I really wanted was to get the kid’s names tattooed on their own heads, but allegedly that’s illegal, or whatever,” said Barber. “Maybe I don’t have the best maternal instincts, any useful homemaking skills, or the ability to hold down a job for longer than six months, but I’m trying. It might be in the worst way possible, but I’m trying nonetheless.”

Oldest daughter Janet Barber-Jones was hurt after discovering the true purpose of the tattoos, as well as the existence of other “reminder” tattoos.

“Recently, I caught my mom glancing at the tattoo before yelling at me about my boyfriend parking in the driveway. That’s when she revealed she’d been getting ‘reminder’ tattoos of everything from birthdays to Social Security numbers for years,” said Barber-Jones. “At first, it really hurt my feelings, but I take solace in the fact that we were able to trick her into a Florida trip after scribbling “reminder: take kids to Disney” on her foot with a permanent marker.”

Barber’s tattoo artist, Charlie “The Major” Kober, admitted that Barber’s “shit memory” has been a goldmine for him.

“With all the bits and pieces of important information I’ve tattooed on Tracy over the years, I’ve been able to pay for my son’s braces,” said Kober. “Call me unscrupulous for this, but lately I’ve been encouraging her to get her GED — not because it’ll help her job prospects, but because imagine how many math formulas and details of historical events she’d need to get tattooed. New car, here I come.”

At press time, Barber was threatening to remove the tattoo outlining her youngest son’s insulin regimen if he doesn’t get an A on an upcoming social studies test.

J.K. Rowling Reveals Harry Potter Would Vote for Michael Bloomberg in Obvious Advertising Campaign

Posted on February 22, 2020 by Twitch Plays Hard Drive

LONDON — In what fans are calling the most pathetic example of Michael Bloomberg’s viral campaign advertising, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling has announced on Twitter that the titular character would vote for Bloomberg in the United States Democratic primary for president.

“I haven’t actually seen any money from the Bloomberg campaign,” Rowling lied through her teeth in a series of tweets. “I just think that Bloomberg exemplifies the morals of the character Harry as I wrote him in my series, and if I were to write a sequel in the modern day, he would absolutely vote for the former NYC mayor.”

“Bloomberg is obviously the strongest candidate because, while someone like Voldemort had seven horcruxes, Bloomberg has twelve,” Rowling continued. “The horcruxes are his NDAs. The ones that the women who used to work with him signed. You get it.”

When asked why Harry would vote in a U.S. election at all, Rowling replied “because he knows magic, you fucking moron.”

Despite some criticism, dozens of previously-inactive twitter accounts spoke out in strong support of both Rowling and Bloomberg.

“Thank you for this new information! I love learning about the expanded lore of the Harry Potter universe and supporting Michael Bloomberg for president!,” said user @StopAndCharm.

“I love this!” said user @BloomysHouseElf. “I only vote based on which characters are most likely to fit in the Harry Potter universe and I just burned all of my Elizabeth Warren #swag because of this tweet.”

“I think this is great! Neither J.K. or Michael are awful monster-people,” exclaimed user @terfisaslur83. “I’m a real human.”

Former presidential candidate Andrew Yang responded to the news on his new job as a commentator at CNN.

“As someone who also loves trading in political credibility for money, I think it’s incredibly savvy for Rowling to come out in support of Michael Bloomberg through her most popular character,” said Yang. “I do think, however, that comparing all Bernie supporters to Death Eaters was offensive, considering that Bernie’s family were killed by Nazis in Germany. It was smart of Rowling to quickly say that actually Death Eaters aren’t that bad anymore, but still it was a pretty intense comparison.”

When asked to comment, Michael Bloomberg accepted the endorsement.

“Harry Potter is a great person and I’m happy to hear that he would vote for me in the election,” said Bloomberg. “I think he understands the importance of having more aurors in high muggle population areas. I’ve paid several young staffers $100,000 to ensure that the previous sentence makes sense.”

As of press time, commentators on MSNBC had already called the election for “literally anyone but Bernie Sanders.”

Not All Fall Damage Is Physical

Posted on February 22, 2020 by Mo Mozuch

Isaac Newton famously said, “what goes up, must come down.” What Mr. Newton didn’t know, however, is that what comes down often stays down. Hi, I’m T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas, and I am writing to remind you that not all fall damage is physical.

It’s a common misconception that fall damage doesn’t exist if it doesn’t cause measurable injury in the form of diminished hearts, instant death, physical shrinking or scattered coins. What often goes overlooked is the lasting psychological injuries caused by falling, again and again and again. My therapist estimates I have fallen no less than 349,583,458,767 times. Physically, I survive intact each time. Mentally, I have been destroyed.

I no longer know what it is to trust. Can you blame me? Time and again I pledge my support and friendship to those who would cast me off for a quick chance at a Dragon Coin or access to Cheese Bridge secrets and a 3UP moon. Despite my unwavering devotion, turning revolting red koopa shells into mighty fire or stomaching putrid blue shells to bestow the gift of flight, I am never truly loved. I am used. I am fallen.

When you stare into the abyss, they say the abyss stares back into you. So, what about when you plummet into the abyss? To fall, seemingly for all time and no time at all, until a small pinprick of light slowly rushes toward you until it becomes a blinding beacon of pure energy that engulfs you and bathes you in a beautiful radiance cut short, as always, by the cracking of an egg shell and another turn on the surface. There are goombas to swallow. There is a princess to save.

There is no end in sight.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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