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Opinion: Technically Yes, but It Was for Public Urination so It’s Kinda Bullshit

So it said on your profile that you enjoy rock climbing. Well, I have a paralyzing fear of heights but I’d totally go and watch you climb! Oh, you Googled me? Oh, ummm, ha ha. I’m guessing you saw some interesting results on there. You can’t believe everything you read on the internet, right? But yeah, I guess you can believe the sheriff’s office.

Look, it’s not what you think. Technically speaking, yes, in the eyes of the law, I am a sex offender. But it was just for public urination so it’s kinda bullshit. It had nothing to do with sex, which I definitely have had and am quite talented at.

Drunk? No, I wasn’t drunk. I’m actually straight edge. We pee outside too, sometimes. And I would actually argue that I was normalizing safe, responsible outdoor urination. Why is society stuck on these puritanical views of our genitals? It’s just pee! Sex predator? No. Sex positive? Absolutely.

But to answer your question, no children saw me. Actually I don’t know because I didn’t look around first. But I really doubt it. And I was flaccid as hell! I’m not some perv who pees hard.

Well, yeah, there were other charges. The incident occurred at the National Archives Museum so some overzealous, patriotic idiot cop attempted to charge me with treason, too. Which is insane, by the way. That charge was dropped almost instantly so I don’t know why they can’t scrub that from Google results.

But the most ridiculous thing is that I had to go through a separate trial for a “human trafficking” misunderstanding. It’s actually a pretty funny story. Perfect for a first date (wink wink).

More to the point, I learned a valuable lesson in that ordeal: always check the trunk of your car before crossing state lines. But the truth is I was a patsy. I had no idea what was going on.

What? You didn’t see any mention of that online? Oh, umm, forget I said that. So… my place or yours?