Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

New Employee Too Afraid to Take Sick Day Gives Entire Office Coronavirus

Posted on February 25, 2020 by Zac Lux

SAN DIEGO — Junior designer Lewis Cooper allegedly accidentally contaminated his entire office with the deadly coronavirus yesterday, thanks to his fear of calling in sick and losing his job with the Bifocal Lemonade advertising agency.

“I just got this job, so I really wanted to make a good impression,” said Cooper as he struggled to catch his breath. “My first day came right after I did some international travel where I developed a bit of a cough, some sniffling, projectile vomiting, and a 105 degree fever… but nothing a little bit of store-brand DayQuil couldn’t help. I mean, I couldn’t just call in and miss shaking my boss’s hand on the first day. And I think the team and I really hit it off.”

Cooper’s warm welcome quickly turned sour.

“Yeah… as soon as he walked in, we could tell he was in bad shape,” said Executive Creative Director Erin Booth from her quarantined hospital bed. “Before you knew it, the entire company was out of commission. It was chaos — people stampeded into the bathrooms; every stall was occupied with bowls filled to the brim with puke and shit. We couldn’t flush fast enough. When the CDC showed up in their full Hazmat suits and welded our doors shut, we knew we had a problem.”

Dr. Ann Carey noted Cooper’s reticence to call in sick is a common occurrence for Millennials, with recently onboarded workers desperate to make a positive mark.

“Millennials in new work environments want to show they can be valuable assets to any team. Unfortunately, most Millennials have never had health insurance or jobs with paid sick leave, so they don’t know it’s best to stay home instead of starting a pandemic,” said Dr. Carey. “The stress of succeeding at a new job, factored in with the uncertainty of securing housing or retirement, make it seemingly impossible to take a single day off, even under the most dire circumstances.”

Despite their sickness, the Bifocal Lemonade staff’s output is reportedly up 35%, prompting upper management to consider infecting the Boston and Toronto branches with coronavirus to beat Q2 projections.

47 Dead at HBO ChernobylCon

Posted on February 25, 2020 by Andy Holt

CHERNOBYL, Ukraine — Superfans of the acclaimed HBO historical miniseries Chernobyl gathered for the first annual ChernobylCon fan convention last weekend, leaving at least 47 dead and many more subjected to severe radiation poisoning.

The convention took place in the shadow of the Chernobyl disaster site, a destroyed nuclear reactor that still emits extremely high levels of radiation. Fans traveled from all over the world to meet each other and show off their costumes and collectibles.

“Just watching the show might be enough for some people, but for the real nerds, the canon is only the starting point. The story really comes alive when you live it,” said Jackie Vera, turning on her authentic Soviet-era geiger counter, which began to click rapidly. “Whoa, just like the show!”

Besides getting to see locations from their favorite series, attendees were also excited to meet fellow self-described “Cherds” (Chernobyl nerds). Subreddit moderator Josh Willet complained that casual fans were not able to talk about the program with the same amount of depth.

“Take chief engineer Anatoly Dyatlov, for example. His characterization in the show was so complex, it totally went over most people’s heads,” said Willet, who spent the weekend attempting to find a way through the protective barrier surrounding the reactor core. “In one sense, Anatoly is a villain for pushing the reactor too hard. But like, at the same time, the system is the villain. I know it’s confusing — watch the whole series a few times, maybe you’ll start to see what I mean.”

There was noticeable tension on Sunday, however, when a group of fans arrived at the site wearing protective radiation suits. Willet complained that their costumes broke with series lore, which includes a Soviet supply shortage that caused untold deaths in 1986.

“This is how a Con gets ruined. All these casuals show up for some Instagram posts and never really engage with the culture. Fucking tourists,” Willet explained while hammering at a crack in the concrete radiation shield. He paused to throw up blood. “This isn’t San Diego.”

As of this morning, Willet and 46 others had perished after finding a way inside the reactor, where they reportedly acted out a fan-written Chernobyl script in which all their favorite characters are polyamorous.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Radical Left? Here’s How Many Fresh Infants the Clintons Will Have to Cut Back on If Bernie’s Wealth Tax Passes

Posted on February 25, 2020 by Lauren Lavín

With the 2020 election cycle heating up, it’s impossible to go a single day without hearing about Bernie Sanders, the “progressive” who promises to radically alter American politics forever. But is he too radical? It turns out his proposals will target one of the nation’s smallest minorities: the extremely wealthy, or to use their preferred nomenclature “People of Means” (POM for short).

Let’s start with the Clintons, collectively worth over $140 million. Under a Sanders administration, fresh infants would go from being a daily staple of Bill and Hillary’s diet to a once-per-month luxury; and that’s if they split one infant between them. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Why are they eating infant children?” Well, as a non POM, that question is insensitive and you should be more mindful of your station.

Is this the kind of thanks we give the ruling class? I can guarantee one thing: if we continue to harass the families who hold all of our lives in their hands, we can say goodbye to ever finding menial gig work for them once they retreat into their luxury underground bunkers, leaving the rest of us to fight or starve to death. Thanks a lot, Bernie!

And it’s not just the Clintons. POM of all political stripes will see a drop in quality of life if Sanders gets his way. Republican presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg (at an extra-marginalized $63 billion) will have to say goodbye to his favorite exercise activity: being gently stretched and pulled from the hands and feet by a pair of former NFL players with CTE who are fed into a furnace and replenished twice a day.

At least his good friend Jeffrey Epstein died before having to see Blomberg and other pals the Clintons reduced to such pitiful circumstances; otherwise the shock would certainly kill him again.

Jeff Bezos’s old growth redwood-fueled fireplaces? Gone. Bill Gates’s hourly skin infusions of pureed Silverback Gorilla fingernails? No more. And Mark Zuckerberg may, incredibly, lose more than everybody above. If his $70 billion net worth is reduced to poverty wages by Sanders, how in the hell is he going to find new human skin to wear each day.

Are you prepared for the reality of Mark Zuckerberg’s full reptilian visage? No? Then I urge you to please think of the POM this election cycle; vote with your heart, and their wallets, in mind.

Mötley Crüe Reunion Introduces Bands’ Iconic Catalogue to Same Exact Generation As Before

Posted on February 25, 2020 by Zach Raffio

LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal legends Mötley Crüe, preparing for an upcoming reunion tour, admitted today that they are excited to introduce their iconic catalogue to the same exact generation already exceedingly familiar with their work.

“We’re thrilled to get these tunes into the same ears that haven’t stopped listening to us on repeat since the 80s,” noted singer Vince Neil. “Bands who’ve been around as long as us are always trying to find ways of getting the next generation into their music… but us? We’re here for the same rockers who’ve been finely tuning their Camaros for the last three decades. When they die, we’ll probably break up for real, but just out of necessity.”

Tommy Lee, the group’s infamous “bad boy” drummer, agreed.

“Young people don’t know what they’re missing, and frankly, they’re not gonna find out,” stated Lee while wearing sunglasses indoors. “We’re back and the same as ever, and people already familiar with us are absolutely ready for this comeback. It’s time to show these kids what Mötley Crüe is all about — and by kids, I of course mean adult men who first heard us when they were in high school and have since divorced at least once, all while trying to find the best lawyer to help them fight their DUI charges.”

Mötley Crüe superfan Dave “Rottweiler” Pennstap epitomizes fan excitement.

“I can’t wait to revisit a discography I’ve heard on repeat for 38 years,” noted Pennstapp while also wearing sunglasses indoors. “The Crüe is legendary: people who’ve been fans since they were teens can now introduce their teens to the music — but just to be clear, they won’t, and they shouldn’t. Honestly, if anyone under the age of 45 shows up to any of the dates I will be shocked.”

At press time, the band was actively preparing the tour setlist, seeking a balance between songs for “classic fans who’ve been here all along” and “absolutely nobody else; this is for nobody else.”

Supposed Socialist Bernie Sanders Has Selfishly Won Three States For Himself

Posted on February 24, 2020 by Jordan Breeding

WASHINGTON — Presidential hopeful, and supposed socialist, Bernie Sanders selfishly won his third state during the democratic primary and seems completely unwilling to share the victories despite his “Not me. Us” campaign slogan.

“Yeah for a guy that wants to turn this country into the U.S.S.R. he’s certainly being awfully greedy with all the votes and enthusiasm. I’ve never seen anything like it. This guy clearly gets off on having a positive message that people relate to. It makes me sick,” said former Vice President Joe Biden who is sinking in the polls. “I mean throw me a bone here. There are plenty of other candidates that would also love some of the shine. Just let me have South Carolina and I’ll leave, I need South Carolina so bad.”

“If this guy is really a socialist, like MSNBC and I assume also he says, then he should put his money where his mouth is and spread out all the states evenly,” Biden continued.

Political analysts believe the other democratic contenders and most of Sanders’ critics have a distorted view on the Vermont Senator’s brand of socialism.

“Senator Sanders has said repeatedly that he is a Democratic Socialist and wants workers to have more rights, a government that supports its citizens, and corporations to start paying their fair share. This philosophy tends to throw Republicans and establishment Democrats into rage spirals so deep that they are swallowed whole,” said Ashley Wu, the head of an independent watchdog group. “But those people have nothing to fear, the DNC will find a way to fuck him over. Just wait.”

In response to the criticism the Sanders campaign released a brief statement stating “Fuck you, beat me.”

Straight Edge Guy Suspecting Girlfriend Only Loves Him for His Piss

Posted on February 24, 2020 by John Danek

WORCESTER, Mass. — Local straight edge man Matt Parrish reportedly thinks that his girlfriend of eight months is only interested in him for his clean, drug-free urine, according to multiple “poison-free” confidants.

“The first few months were fine… but my girlfriend’s requests in the bedroom have gotten weirder and weirder,” said Parrish, a tattoo artist specializing in fat ‘X’ ink. “I’m not particularly into pee stuff, but she’s very much a fan, so I obliged — but she always wants me to pee into these big mason jars, and won’t let me eat anything with poppyseeds. And now she’s gotten really into this nurse/patient fetish with all of this medical equipment.”

“The last few times, we never even touched each other,” an increasingly suspicious Parrish added. “She just waits right outside the bathroom door as I pee into a cup, and yells if I take too long. But like, some people are into that, right?”

However, Parrish’s girlfriend Wendy Beckner defended herself as a victim of blatant kinkshaming.

“I very much love Marc… er, Matt, for so much more than his piss. I also love his heart, and that toxin-free blood flowing through his veins. This man is a gold mine,” said Beckner, whose nose appeared to be very itchy. “But how dare anyone shame what turns me on! If Angelina Jolie could wear a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck, I don’t see why I can’t keep a treasured, oversized vial of Matt in my freezer, just in case.”

Relationship experts noted that mixed-ideology partnerships can struggle if self-serving interests go unchecked.

“I’m not saying it’s impossible for a straight edger and an avid drug user to find love, but the differences are often too much,” explained relationship counselor Dr. Lena Kasparian. “Substance abusers exploit their straight edge partners for passing drug tests, while abstainers tend to latch onto their partners in the hopes of looking normal and gaining cool friends who don’t just sit around listening to the same music from 2007 and playing Nintendo 64.”

At press time, Beckner, an otherwise vehement atheist, told Parrish that she is dabbling in voodoo after he discovered a tuft of his own hair missing.

DNC Backfire: Millions Plan to Write-In ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ for President After ‘Vote Blue No Matter Who’ Campaign

Posted on February 24, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Democratic National Committee officials are reportedly scrambling to fix their Vote Blue Matter Who campaign now that it has inspired millions around the country to write-in Sonic the Hedgehog this November in the general presidential election.

“When we started the Vote Blue No Matter Who campaign, we were specifically talking about Joe Biden,” explained DNC Chair Tom Perez. “We just wanted to make sure that people would support literally any candidate that we put up against Donald Trump; now I’m worried he’ll win — or worse — Sonic will win.”

“Granted, we’ll do everything we can to oppose the Sonic presidency once he’s in office,” Perez continued. “As a blue hedgehog-alien obsessed with nothing more than environmentalism and ‘going fast,’ I’m not too concerned about his policies. But as we all know, the real issue with a non-Democrat in office is Supreme Court picks. It would be devastating for our country if Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was replaced by Tails. What does Tails want? And how long does a Tails live?”

According to Democratic voters in battleground states, however, Sonic is becoming an increasingly popular presidential figure.

“Ya know, I was getting pretty sick of the DNC and their tactics,” said South Carolina union worker Jim Bowers. “But I really gotta hand it to them with this Vote Blue No Matter Who thing to promote Sonic the Hedgehog for president. Sonic really understands the issues of the rural voter, which is that we must Escape From the [iron grip of those who live in the] City. That’s why I plan to Vote Blue No Matter Who by writing in Sonic the Hedgehog no matter who the nominee is.”

“I used to be a Pete Buttigieg supporter but now I understand the need for our country to collect all of the Chaos Emeralds,” said Massachusetts school teacher Esmarelda Stein. “I think that, as well as defeating billionaires like Eggman, is the only issue that both moderates and progressives will coalesce behind.”

“Sonic is literally the only candidate running for president who hasn’t been bought by the Russians,” said a United States Senator who wished to remain anonymous. “And when I say running, I mean running. No one runs faster than Sonic. That’s why he has my endorsement.”

As of press time, the New York Times prediction needle created by The Upshot showed Sonic’s chances of winning the election in November as “virtually unstoppable.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

I’m Willing to Support Capitalism If It Means Same-Day Shipping

Posted on February 24, 2020 by Kate Howard

I am not the enemy. I think the system fucking stinks! Yeah, I said it. On Twitter AND Instagram. You should see how many rose emoji’s I have in my handle. Okay, now that I’ve proven myself, how great is same day shipping??? It’s literally life changing because now I’m super down with all the ills of capitalism if it means I can get make up, pop tarts, and a replacement Roku remote delivered to my door by the time my laundry is done.

Before you call me an asshole, you should know I identify socially as woke but fiscally as an asshole. You know you like this shirt I’m wearing that says “Let’s Unionize.” Well guess what? I ordered it five hours ago and it still came in time for the rally. Sure, thanks to my order it will be harder for the workers who sent this shirt across three time zones in one morning to unionize, but how else will everyone know my stance on the matter? By making a fucking sign? That’s pretty 2016 and I’d still have to choose same-day shipping on art supplies.

I don’t enjoy supporting the beast that is capitalism. But without same day shipping I’d be a real mess. Sometimes the stress of what capitalism is doing to our country makes me pretty anxious. Well thanks to same day shipping, I can order CBD oil to my door anytime I’m feeling nervous! This particularly works well with the shame-cycle that occurs once the product is delivered and I’m reminded of how capitalism is crippling our world. Thanks, Mr. Bezos!

Capitalism is all about risk versus reward and same-day shipping is a pretty huge fucking reward. Now that everything’s being delivered to me, I have ample time to go out and support my local bookstore. Plus, I have more space in my schedule to raise awareness on social media about the devastating Australian wildfires. Speaking of, isn’t that shit just so sad? I wish there was a way to stop it.

Pete Buttigieg Daydreams About First Openly LGBTQ-Ordered Drone Strike

Posted on February 24, 2020 by Mark Bouchard

CHICAGO — Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg admitted yesterday that, in times of quiet reflection, he often daydreams about ordering the first openly LGBTQ drone strike.

“I’d like to set the record straight — as a veteran, I have seen the horrors of war, but I’ve also seen some of the amazing technology the American military has at its disposal,” said Buttigieg in his stiff, robotic voice. “And I believe change begins with me sitting in the oval office, a starched kerchief in my breast pocket, ordering a series of drone strikes all across the Middle East. I’d be the first openly gay man to do so — and I’d do it proudly.”

“While we’ve got a long way to go, we’ve come pretty far,” Buttigieg added. “And this is one way I can take us further.”

Buttigieg staffer Cole Anderson elaborated.

“This is a reality every president has to deal with: obviously, peace is the goal, but if the Taliban doesn’t want to negotiate, Pete is ready to name American drones after major queer icons who have helped shape America,” said Anderson. “Heterosexual elected officials do this, day in and day out, with little to no regard about the messaging of each deadly strike. Pete’s a maverick, and people need to recognize that.”

While some found Buttigieg’s comments off-putting, his key demographics, as well as gay men who work in finance and mothers of grown, queer children looking for a way to transparently show support, rallied behind him.

“Personally, I think it’s homophobic that people don’t want Mayor Pete to be president, just because he’d be the first openly queer president to launch missiles all willy-nilly,“ explained Buttigieg supporter Sharon Fleming. “I think that makes him progressive. Plus, I like that he’s not shoving his sexuality down our throats: the only things I want to hear about him shoving down throats are tomahawk missiles down the throats of Iranian teenagers who think it’s ‘cool to jihad’ or whatever.”

Buttigieg was last seen staring off into space, wearing headphones and making explosion sounds softly to himself.

Chain Smoking BioShock Devs Trying to Think of Weird Place a City Could Be

Posted on February 24, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

SAN FRANCISCO — With only a week left before their deadline, a group of stressed, chain-smoking developers of the new BioShock are holed up in their office and trying to think of a weird place for a dystopian city to be, sources at 2K Games confirmed.

“Welcome to the fucking madhouse, gentlemen,” said lead developer Jonathan Bakeland before taking an incredibly long drag of his cigarette, burning it straight down to the filter. “That prick Ken Levine really painted us into a corner. He’s already made BioShock games set under the sea, then up in the sky, and then back under the sea again. Where the hell are we supposed to set the new BioShock now? Come on, think!”

Sources say that following his speech to the team, developers then gathered in a cramped and smoky conference room, reading pitches while lighting more cigarettes and pouring glasses of aged rye whiskey from the drink cart in the corner of the room. The meeting moved quickly as ideas were dismissed one by one, pausing only when Bakeland felt the need to express his unhappiness with an idea at length.

“God damn it, this isn’t fanfiction, people,” yelled Bakeland, slamming his highball glass against the table in disgust after one developer suggested for the game to be set in an alternate universe in 1820 starring John Quincy Adams as the founder of an underground society of mole people. “What’s next, is someone going to suggest we put it in space and make the enemies aliens? Great idea! Maybe we can even change the title to something like ‘Halo’! This is gonna make us millions! Jesus Christ, you’re all gonna give me an ulcer!”

At press time, sources say that Bakeland had suddenly perked up and gotten a crazy look in his eye after a developer halfheartedly suggested that they set the game in present day New York City.

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