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Supposed Socialist Bernie Sanders Has Selfishly Won Three States For Himself

WASHINGTON — Presidential hopeful, and supposed socialist, Bernie Sanders selfishly won his third state during the democratic primary and seems completely unwilling to share the victories despite his “Not me. Us” campaign slogan.

“Yeah for a guy that wants to turn this country into the U.S.S.R. he’s certainly being awfully greedy with all the votes and enthusiasm. I’ve never seen anything like it. This guy clearly gets off on having a positive message that people relate to. It makes me sick,” said former Vice President Joe Biden who is sinking in the polls. “I mean throw me a bone here. There are plenty of other candidates that would also love some of the shine. Just let me have South Carolina and I’ll leave, I need South Carolina so bad.”

“If this guy is really a socialist, like MSNBC and I assume also he says, then he should put his money where his mouth is and spread out all the states evenly,” Biden continued.

Political analysts believe the other democratic contenders and most of Sanders’ critics have a distorted view on the Vermont Senator’s brand of socialism.

“Senator Sanders has said repeatedly that he is a Democratic Socialist and wants workers to have more rights, a government that supports its citizens, and corporations to start paying their fair share. This philosophy tends to throw Republicans and establishment Democrats into rage spirals so deep that they are swallowed whole,” said Ashley Wu, the head of an independent watchdog group. “But those people have nothing to fear, the DNC will find a way to fuck him over. Just wait.”

In response to the criticism the Sanders campaign released a brief statement stating “Fuck you, beat me.”