Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

I Am Your Estranged Father and I Returned to Retrospectively Review “Achtung Baby”

Posted on February 26, 2020 by Charles Bill

Hey there kiddo, it’s been a while huh? “Achtung Baby” was U2’s seminal 1991 masterpiece, a rejection of their previous efforts, and a shocking explosion into dance and pop for the rock superstars. In this review, I’ll be going track by track, giving my opinion on each. Stop crying and trying to hug me, this is important and you need to hear it. Doesn’t matter why I left, what matters is the innovation that allowed U2 to become immediate masters of the electronic rock craft. No I don’t love your mother anymore.

“Zoo Station”
This track starts the album out with a bang! It is an immediate change from the folksy rhythms of “Rattle and Hum”, which was incidentally the album that was playing when you were conceived. We actually used to dance to “Zoo Station” when you were a little kid, you loved that drum machine! Anyway, this is a rather underrated track, I can’t think of the last time I heard it. Oh wait it was actually playing at this bar I was at last month picking up chicks. You should see the girls in Albuquerque kid. Why would you want to go there with me? Jesus Christ you’re a clingy one.
4.5/5

“Even Better Than The Real Thing”
Is that a song title, or what I call my fleshlight? I’m just joshing, I get strange on the daily. Your dad doesn’t need to use any toys. Ok I guess you’re just gonna leave me hanging. Your mom sure did raise a little asshole. Anyway, this track is pretty dancy, and features Bono in character as The Fly, it’s not my favorite on the record. Speaking of records, do you have any kid music I can take? My daughter is turning four soon and really getting into music.
3/5

“One”
Yeah my daughter? You don’t think I got this hog clipped right? You’re looking at grade A stud meat, gotta spread it around. That’s good for America. “One” is among U2’s most classic and most bullshit songs. Sure it sounds great, but the message is total crap. “One love”? Who does Bono think he is Bob Marley? If we only had one love then I would still be with your mother. Speaking of which, who is she dating now? Are you serious? She married Kyle, our loser neighbor? I always knew he wanted to get into her pants. I don’t care if you keep calling Kyle “Dad”, it isn’t going to make me jealous.
4/5

“Until the End of the World”
This one is a certified shredder and there’s no two ways about it. Bono is singing about some sad shit. Wikipedia says it’s about Jesus and Judas, but I always thought it was about him picking up some slag at a bar and then leaving her in the morning. That reminds me, did your mom ever tell the story of how we met? Well now you know I guess. The Edge totally goes to town in this one. How crazy is it that the band has Bono, The Edge, and then like Adam and Larry. I bet those two don’t lay half as much pipe.
5/5

“Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses”
Could you grab me another brewski? Running a little low on the tank here. I can just run to the Circle K to grab some more. Wow really? I totally forgot that’s what I said the first time I dipped. How old were you like fifteen? Ok give me a break five is pretty close to fifteen. This track is a little less dancy than the others, but still has a solid rhythm and isn’t a huge bummer like a lot of their older music. This is another U2 classic of course, but it doesn’t pop off like some of the other cuts on this album. Ah yes, Modelo Especial! For an especial guy right? Wanna see me shotgun this shit? Get me a key.
4.5/5

“So Cruel”
This one is a bit of a bummer. All the lyrics are about how sad everyone is when they break up with someone. Let me tell you something, it’s crap. When you leave a shitty relationship, it is better for all parties. I remember when I bounced from here I just drove for hours jamming to “Master of Puppets” and stopping at truck stops to score. Your mother never liked it when I smoked rock, but she couldn’t stop me. I wasn’t the perfect man, I bet she was stoked when I got out of there. Crying for a week and a half isn’t that bad. I did that when Megadeth broke up the first time, and I didn’t even have to nail Kyle to get over it.
3.5/5

“The Fly”
Holy fuck “The Fly” rocks hard. This was the track when The Edge got fed up with Bono’s sentimental crap and just shredded his face off. This was actually the first dance I had with Jeannie at our wedding. I guess I never actually got divorced from your mom so that makes me a bigamist huh? Just like that dude from a few years back. What’s his name, with the hair? Handsome guy. Mitt Romney. By the way who are you voting for? Bernie? Jesus you really turned into a little fruit without me around. Ok shut up this is the best part.
5/5

“Mysterious Ways”
Yeah I had colon cancer. You should probably get checked out for that when you hit forty. Also my dad had a heart attack at like 43. Man I’m getting toasted, let me rest my eyes a second.
4/5

“Trying to Throw Your Arms Around the World”
Hmph. What the hell? Oh sorry I dozed off. This is the part of the record where Bono realizes they need to put some stuff on there for the sentimental bummers of the world, and that’s all they play until the end of the album. Probably that pussy Daniel Lanois’ fault. His songs suck half the time. I’m an Eno-head until I die. He’s Canadian you know. I bet you love Justin from Canada. Isn’t it weird that it’s all the libs that do blackface? And you guys try to call Donnie racist.
2.5/5

“Ultraviolet (Light My Way)”
So this one… hold on I’m getting a call. Hey Jeannie. What’s up babe? Yeah I’m talking to the kid now. Doesn’t know shit about U2. Is Rose there? Put her on. Hey girl, daddy loves you, I’ll be back soon when I’m done with this business trip. No, no one’s crying on my end, might just be the TV. Ok. Love you too sweetie. Bye bye. What are you doing? Trying to let Rose know I’ve got another kid? Why are you such an asshole? I could tell from early on. I probably shouldn’t tell you this but it was your fault I left.
3.5/5

“Acrobat”
Jesus I’m so fucking lonely, even with my wife and kid and all the weird side girls I pick up in biker bars. Acrobat is pretty good I guess. Don’t touch me, nothing gives you the right to do that.
4/5

“Love is Blindness”
“Love is Blindness” ends the album on a moody, heavily instrumental track that focuses on love that is doomed for failure. Bono’s understated vocal performance seems to just get swallowed up by the backing instruments and electronic compositions that dominate the track. I would almost venture to say that this is a precursor to electronic music as a whole. Jesus I think I just shit myself. That’s what you get when you pre-game an album review this hard.
5/5

Summary:
Look there’s no reason why I left. I was just getting suffocated. There’s no grand cosmic plan or anything, it’s all crap. Unlike ‘Achtung Baby’ which is full to the brim with hot tracks, and the occasional dull spot is always quickly followed up with a dynamite scorcher of a song. If only real life was as exciting as this album. You got any recent pictures of your mom? Maybe I’ll drop by to say hello. Oh man, she has kept it tight. Lucky Kyle huh? Anyway I’m running low on suds, I’m gonna hit the Circle K and will be right back to review something by the Dire Straits. Right back. Promise.
4.5/5

Cool Black Car With Neon Green Accents Must Be Owner’s Gaming Car

Posted on February 26, 2020 by Grant Mulitz

NEW YORK — Using words like “pro,” “premium,” and “racing-style,” sources have confirmed that the black 2015 Chevy Camaro with cool neon green accents parked out on the curb must be the owner’s gaming car.

“That’s not simply some office car you use to get to work,” said Kara Ridley, 26. “No, that’s definitely the kind of car you sit in, idling, to play MMOs for hours on end. They say the mileage is pretty good on those, so you can play for days on a single tank of gas, even with the air conditioning on.”

Onlookers noted that the car’s driver probably looks really cool streaming Fortnite on Twitch from inside or sitting on the hood of the ergonomic sports car, which includes a leather interior, built-in bluetooth speakers and seats that recline all the way back for the most comfortable driving experience possible. Still, some passersby were unimpressed.

“Why do you need a car that expensive just to gamer in? I can easily enjoy, say, Fallout just as much from my regular, old Toyota Camry,” commented Craig Mortimer, 37. “No one needs to spend $50,000 on a car. The driver could just as well use one of the many four-door sedans everyone has lying around the house, instead of these kinds of flashy gameplay automobiles.”

Representatives from Chevrolet have said that their modern line of Camaros were designed with the gamer in mind.

“A lot of consumers were confused when we gave the driver’s seat full swivel action,” said Len Livingston, VP of Research and Marketing for Chevrolet. “But Chevie is committed to providing cars for gamers and keeping up with the increasing popularity of the lifestyle. Wait until you see the rocket boosters and funny hats we’re putting on the ‘21s.”

At press time, the car’s owner had come downstairs and was attempting to drive the vehicle into his apartment living room to get a couple extra seats for an eight-person Mario Party.

90s Nostalgia Makes Trans Millennial’s Second Adolescence Indistinguishable From First

Posted on February 26, 2020 by Kyla Walker

NEW YORK — Trans millennial Natalie Martinez realized this morning that the overlapping timing of their second puberty with pop culture’s 20-year nostalgia cycle has made it nearly indistinguishable from the first one.

“I thought I felt old the first go-round, watching a bunch of poseurs appropriating the ’80s gamer culture the jocks used to beat us the fuck up over,” said 33-year-old Martinez. “Now I’m watching these damn kids, and — God, I hate myself for saying that — waxing nostalgic over stuff that wasn’t even that good the first time around. I mean, I never stopped wearing flannel, Docs, or chokers… but who the fuck asked for JNCOs, Tamagotchis, and space buns to make a comeback? I wonder if this is what our parents felt like walking through a Hot Topic back in 1997.”

Martinez and countless others are taking this pop cultural revival as a welcome chance to recapture their lost youth.

“It was pretty awesome to see ‘Invader Zim,’ ‘Hey Arnold!’ and ‘Samurai Jack’ get the feature-length treatment, and I’m loving this recent trend of ’90s and ’00s bands touring on old records,” Martinez continued. “I spent most of my first puberty sulking in my room and listening to alternative radio while staring at a ceiling fan — there were so many tours I wish I could’ve seen back in the day. Now I might finally get my chance to relive the childhood I never had.”

Indeed, some noticed that American politics seem to be on the same 20-year cycle as well.

“School shootings are at an all-time high, we’ve impeached another President, and we knocked out that Soleimani guy in Iran,” said Finn Hayden, 37. “I just can’t wait for it to be 2003 again, when a bunch of hawkish conservatives will call me a Communist, a terrorist, and un-American because I don’t support or want to die in an aggressive campaign of American military intervention in the Middle East. It’s like high school all over again… only this time, my acne is the adult kind.”

At press time, it’s rumored that Toby Keith will be pulled out of cryo-storage to serve his country with a “yee-haw anthem” about “kicking the ever-living shit out of brown kids.”

I Have as Much Right as the B-52’s to Sing Loudly in Public About My Homemade Fuck-Shed

Posted on February 26, 2020 by Rose Vineshank

The ’80s was a time when a man could dream and that dream could come into fruition and nobody would judge him. No song epitomized this period of American prosperity like the B-52’s “Love Shack.” A song which, based on context clues, is clearly about a DIY man like myself who erected a backyard hump hut to bump uglies and, if he truly is like me, snort research chemicals. The B-52’s sang loudly and proudly about their fun times in the Grabby Cabin and they even got famous from it!

So why is it that when I, a simple God fearing American man, sings loudly in public about the homemade fuck-shed in MY backyard, suddenly everyone is saying things like “why would you tell anyone that?” and “you should get a tetanus shot immediately.”

Despite what my haters have to say, I persist. Sure it makes people uncomfortable when I burst into song but if I want to bring the gift of music paired with unbreaking eye contact to every woman in this Arby’s, that’s my right as an American. An American with nothing more than a song in his heart and a DIY fuck-shed in his backyard!

I actually pity the B-52’s now that I think about it. Their song may be a more sanitized version of what my life has become but one thing is for sure; all the jukebox money in the world couldn’t tear me from the shed I love. That said, it would be a change of pace to actually fuck in there. Just once. Preferably with a lady. The DIY lifestyle is great for fuck-shack building but not for getting people to agree to fuck you in said fuck-shack. If not, I will once again retreat to my masturbation igloo. Unfortunately, nobody wants me to sing about that either.

Music Snob EMT Can’t Decide Which Song to Set Chest Compressions To

Posted on February 26, 2020 by Malcolm Whitfield

ATLANTA — Emergency Medical Technician Avery Jamison searched through his Spotify playlist for several minutes yesterday before administering chest compressions to a civilian going through cardiac arrest, concerned onlookers reported.

“I’m sorry, but last I checked it was my job to help people… and the best way I can do that is introducing them to some new music they will most certainly love,” said Jamison, a self-proclaimed audiophile and recently certified EMT. “In school they teach you to set the rhythm of chest compressions to ‘Stayin’ Alive,’ which is apparently what everyone does. But I know if I came back to life and someone was singing that shitty song at me, I’d wish I stayed dead.”

Allegedly, this is not the first resuscitation Jamison delayed to try to find a track with 100 beats per minute that also “fits the general vibe” of the incident site.

“We’ve had a few close calls before, but now it’s really gotten out of hand,” shared Crystal Miranda, Jamison’s coworker with MetroAtlanta Ambulance. “He overheard me singing ‘Dancing Queen’ under my breath when I was performing CPR once and shouted the lyrics to ‘Braineaters’ by Misfits over me. He said he couldn’t stand my ‘Top 40 bullshit.’ It was really fucking up my rhythm.”

Indeed, many critics and other medical professionals suggest that tailoring healthcare that specifically is completely unnecessary.

“When you’re part of an emergency response team, you don’t really have time to waste,” explained Samuel Ferris, Chief of Atlanta Fire and Emergency Services. “Do I love that one of my team members is not only breaking protocol, but also using that precious time to blast some bullshit Propagandhi song from the ambulance PA system? Of fucking course not; the system isn’t even set up for that. I think he just holds the radio transmitter up to his phone so everyone can hear it at the same time. It’s fucking unprofessional.”

Though the team was unable to resuscitate the patient at the scene, Jamison has reportedly offered his services to the family should they need a DJ for the memorial.

Photo by Jack Bravstein.

Conor McGregor Open to Superfight With Henry Rollins

Posted on February 25, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

LAS VEGAS – Outspoken former UFC Featherweight and Lightweight Champion Conor McGregor shocked the world by expressing his openness to fighting legendary ex-Black Flag frontman Henry Rollins, management for both individuals confirmed.

“Old man Rollins? I’d eat him alive. I’ve buried every opponent they put in front of me, I’ll do the same to Hank if that’s what the people want,” said McGregor confidently. “He wants to act tough on stage or in ‘Bad Boys II’ that’s one thing, but you get in that cage with me and it’s a whole different story. I’m too fast, I’m too precise. If we were to meet, I think it would be an easy night of work for me. Rollins is napping on the mat before the end of the first round — I promise you that.”

Rollins, who was world-renowned for his ability to beat up fans during his time as the singer of Black Flag, didn’t outright deny his interest in the fight.

“Conor has had everything handed to him with favorable matchmaking. He wouldn’t have lasted one week in Black Flag. I’ve been to Ireland; I had 250-pound skinheads throwing bottles at me and putting out cigarettes on my legs,” said Rollins. “We had to fight to survive every show. I had to fight to exist. That spoiled rich kid, McGregor wouldn’t last one night in my world.”

Critics of McGregor have accused him of ducking the more accomplished fighter and current Black Flag lead singer Mike Vallely.

“Mike V is a younger, faster, and more and more dynamic version of Rollins,” shouted ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith. “Even if his current band is just pretending to be Black Flag he has still proven his worth by beating up a number of skinny-fat rollerbladers and drunk jocks. Now I will say this — at least Rollins was in the band when they meant something — but I still think McGregor would turn him into carcass just the same.”

Lead guitarist for Black Flag Greg Ginn has already expressed his intent to sue the UFC if they use the band’s name or logo in any promotional materials for the proposed fight.

Bob Iger Steps Down to Make Room for New Disney CEO Baby Iger

Posted on February 25, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney CEO Bob Iger made a surprise announcement this afternoon that he would be stepping down from his position, effective immediately, to be replaced by Baby Iger.

“Bob Iger is a beloved figure among fans of Disney-owned franchises like Avengers and Star Wars, and while he will be sorely missed, we have an extremely adorable, marketable replacement ready to go,” said Disney spokesperson Diane Thompson, summoning a floating orb onto the stage at the press conference. “This little guy cost nearly $100 million to design.”

The orb then opened to show a tiny Bob Iger-like figure with massive baby eyes, and what company sources claim are “the cutest little hands science can create.”

Although reporters immediately began to refer to the replacement as Baby Iger, the spokesperson was adamant that the creature’s name had not yet been revealed.

“His name is The Child,” Thompson said, bowing as the new CEO climbed adorably out of the pod. “All hail The Child.”

As of press time, Iger clarified that he was leaving Disney in order to prepare to run for president in the upcoming election, explaining that he wanted to “run America like a business — Disney” and that on his first day in office he would “start buying up all the smaller countries.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Eight Somehow Dead After Launch of Black Metal Streaming Service

Posted on February 25, 2020 by Tim Sheard

OSLO, Norway — The brand new, all-black metal streaming platform “Corpsify +” is responsible for the brutal deaths of eight Norwegian black metal fans, despite only being live for two hours, Norwegian officials allege.

“Our platform was designed to bring the black metal community together, not promote violence,” said lead developer Ulrich Hölberg from a locked office, attempting to avoid the wrath of his creation. “But I’ll admit, it’s our fault for not realizing that bringing together the black metal community normally involves a shit-ton of violence. Within 10 minutes of our launch there were reports of fistfights and stabbings, with churches burning all over the country. Our daily active users have been impressive, but at what cost?”

Witnesses described seemingly ordinary Norwegians leaving their jobs, putting on corpse paint, and arming themselves with medieval style weapons.

“I made my grandma a Corpsify + account for her birthday, and she immediately started eating the ashes of my cremated grandfather,” said black metal fan Lars Hotvedt while dumping gasoline on a priest. “I was horrified until I realized it was metal as fuck and joined her. I got a little worried when she started talking about purity of Scandinavian blood — I’m not into that whole racist side of the scene — but she’s a bit older, so I get that she’s stuck in her ways.”

While the creators of Corpsify + claimed they were not expecting so much violence, black metal experts have long warned against putting such a high concentration of the music in one place.

“Norwegian legend has always told us that one should never put too much metal in one place. That’s why the Vikings built those huge boats: to get the fuck away from each other,” said Stieg Bjørnson, a black metal historian. “All of the world’s black metal on one service is like opening up a portal directly to hell. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone on the planet has been eaten by demons by the end of the week.”

The Norwegian government is planning for the worst, as the platform looks to expand into producing original black metal movies, black metal talk shows, and black metal comedy shorts, which could potentially wipe out the rest of the population.

‘How it Should Have Ended’ Sparks Controversy With Video ‘How the Iraq War Should Have Ended’

Posted on February 25, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Fans of hit YouTube animated series How It Should Have Ended have erupted in anger after the controversial release of their newest video “How the Iraq War Should Have Ended,” which attempts to humorously suggest a full-scale invasion of the country by United States military in the year 2005.

“I just wanna see a nice little video about how the Sonic movie had a plot hole that could have been filled with a sarcastic line of questioning by James Marsden,” said commenter JezuzFreak83. “No episode of HISHE should feature tanks rolling through a cartoonized Baghdad, on their way to destroy the lives of millions. The Iraq War isn’t a comic book movie, it’s a fucking war!”

“I mean, hell — they could at least have thrown in Superman or Wolverine at the end to add some levity,” said a reply by StevensCoolUniverse1010, “instead of just a realistic depiction of how the HISHE team thinks the Iraq War would have gone if President Bush was ‘tougher.’ Their words.”

According to a statement on their YouTube channel, the creators of the series did not realize that the video would cause so much trouble.

“Honestly, I didn’t even realize we were being political,” said How It Should Have Ended co-creator Daniel Baxter. “I’m not really a political guy, but I spent a whole weekend with my very conservative friend last week and this just happened to be the plot hole my brain set its sights on afterwards. I just think of plot holes as plot holes — whether that means Batman not having time to make a giant flaming bat in The Dark Knight Rises or the media not trusting American hero Dick Cheney when he said there were a buncha WMDs in Iraq.”

As of press time, Baxter was hard at work on his next installment, “How Jeffrey Epstein’s Life Should Have Ended.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: If Trump Loses the Election I’m Moving to Russia

Posted on February 25, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Mark my words. If Donald Trump loses the 2020 presidential election I am moving to the only other place that comes to mind when I think of freedom: Russia.

I haven’t looked too far into it yet, but from an outsider’s perspective their political system seems to run more smoothly. For one, Vladimir Putin has been their president for something like 50 years and as a blood-red conservative I like when society stays exactly the way it is. Change just makes me have to think too much.

If Bernie Sanders wins this election I am out. I cannot bear to live in a country run by an evil socialist dictator like him. Judging by what Fox News says, Russia doesn’t seem so bad and it’s not like they’ve had a crippling history of socialism like this shithole of a country is doomed for if Bernie is given the reins. Plus they got Steven Seagal!

Having an alpha president is also important to me and all of these 2020 liberal candidates are namby pamby yellow-bellied beta cucks. That’s why if Trump loses I’m high-tailing it to the nation run by a man who’s not afraid to take out his opponents by force, ride shirtless on a horse, or lend a gentle hand in a foreign election to do what’s best for the US. That’s a president that gets things done.

As it turns out, the easiest way to immigrate to Russia is through a work visa, which works out perfectly because I’ve been jobless for a while anyway. When the United States falls prey to socialism under democratic leadership and starts giving handouts and free money to citizens, I’m out. I cannot stand entitlements. Also, I’ve been down on my luck recently and have been living off unemployment and Medicaid for the past year, so you can say I’m ready for a change of scenery.

Just know that my statement about moving to Russia is not motivated by Facebook likes. I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. Just ask my ex-wives. Actually, wait, please don’t, I’ve been dodging alimony.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to order an “I’d Rather Be Russian Than Democrat” shirt from letfreedomring.com.

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