CAPE MAY, N.J. — Punk mom Tracy Barber admitted today that the forearm tattoos listing the names of her children are more a “practical reminder” than a “sign of a parent’s unconditional love,” disappointed but unsurprised familial sources confirmed.
“I used to do a lot of drugs before I had kids… and after the kids were born, and sometimes still on the weekends. Needless to say, my memory is shit. What I really wanted was to get the kid’s names tattooed on their own heads, but allegedly that’s illegal, or whatever,” said Barber. “Maybe I don’t have the best maternal instincts, any useful homemaking skills, or the ability to hold down a job for longer than six months, but I’m trying. It might be in the worst way possible, but I’m trying nonetheless.”
Oldest daughter Janet Barber-Jones was hurt after discovering the true purpose of the tattoos, as well as the existence of other “reminder” tattoos.
“Recently, I caught my mom glancing at the tattoo before yelling at me about my boyfriend parking in the driveway. That’s when she revealed she’d been getting ‘reminder’ tattoos of everything from birthdays to Social Security numbers for years,” said Barber-Jones. “At first, it really hurt my feelings, but I take solace in the fact that we were able to trick her into a Florida trip after scribbling “reminder: take kids to Disney” on her foot with a permanent marker.”
Barber’s tattoo artist, Charlie “The Major” Kober, admitted that Barber’s “shit memory” has been a goldmine for him.
“With all the bits and pieces of important information I’ve tattooed on Tracy over the years, I’ve been able to pay for my son’s braces,” said Kober. “Call me unscrupulous for this, but lately I’ve been encouraging her to get her GED — not because it’ll help her job prospects, but because imagine how many math formulas and details of historical events she’d need to get tattooed. New car, here I come.”
At press time, Barber was threatening to remove the tattoo outlining her youngest son’s insulin regimen if he doesn’t get an A on an upcoming social studies test.