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Lazy Obstetrician Just Pulling On Baby Until Umbilical Cord Untangles

HOUSTON — Veteran obstetrician Brian Lein spent upwards of 10 minutes yesterday indifferently tugging on a patient’s newborn in an attempt to untangle the rat’s nest of an umbilical cord resulting from delivery, concerned onlookers confirmed.

“Christ, every time. I’ve been pulling kids out of women for, gosh, 20 years now… and only twice — twice — has the damn thing come out leading a perfect, straight line,” Dr. Lein muttered while yanking on the minutes-old child. “All this hype about ‘the wonders of modern medicine,’ yet we still don’t have cordless umbilicals? It’s like having to sort out Christmas lights only coated in placenta. CHRIST, COME ON. BASTARD!!”

Jeaneane Franklin, the observing nurse in the room, stifled a gasp at Dr. Lein’s attempt, which she called “futile” and “kind of fucked up.”

“It’s just shocking that an OB-GYN of his tenure would deviate so far from standard procedure,” Franklin admitted. “We’re all taught in situations like this to trace the cord with your finger from the belly button to the tangle, gently thread the baby’s head through the first loop, and repeat. I don’t think he’s causing any permanent damage, but he’s definitely creating a bunch of tight knots that someone is going to have to use their teeth to untie.”

The newborn’s father Rich Barns found himself blurting out excuses at Dr. Lein, whose continued, fruitless yanks were only tightening the mass.

“I told the doctor that I’m really sorry about all this. When my wife and I started trying for a kid, I made sure to ejaculate in a neat, tight coil just like all the books said,” said Barns sheepishly. “When I saw our beautiful daughter pop out with that swampy tumbleweed behind her, I couldn’t help but feel at least half responsible. Next time my wife gets pregnant, I’m going to make sure she has an internal cord organizing system so we can avoid this mess.”

At press time, the child’s mother had frustratedly grabbed a scalpel, bent down, and cut the cord an inch away from her child’s belly, rendering the whole point moot.