RENO, Nev. — Democratic Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg canceled an appearance with a local voter group yesterday after spinning out into a bad, six-hour drug trip, reportedly due to some CBD oil a staffer gave him for his nerves.
“He gets nervous sometimes when talking to voters,” Elaine Sutton, the now-fired staffer, said. “So I gave him a few drops of CBD oil to help calm him down. The next thing I know, he’s taking off his shirt and barricading himself in a diner bathroom. I don’t get it — if anything, it should’ve just made him kind of tired, or maybe helped with any inflammation he might have.”
Fellow Buttigieg staffers quickly flew into “disaster mode,” telling the locals that the candidate had come down with the flu.
“You can’t give that man more than peppermint tea,” staffer Wallace Hill said. “When we finally got the door open, he was huddled in the corner, drenched in sweat and repeating to himself, ‘I’m the president, I’m the president.’ Luckily, I’d been to Bonnaroo once and knew what to do: we whisked him back to his hotel, gave him some warm milk, and put on his DVD copy of ‘Minions’ until he finally fell asleep. ”
For his part, Buttigieg claimed he didn’t know what CBD oil was when he took it.
“It was in a little dropper. I thought it was like, lavender… or maybe that stuff you feed baby birds,” Buttigieg said. “I did not realize I was taking a hard-core hallucinogen. For a few hours there, I was convinced I was still mayor of that shit hole in Indiana. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I give myself a urine test next week — I might have to fire myself.”
Buttigieg’s campaign is working hard to ensure nothing like this happens again, putting child locks on the staff medicine cabinet and hiring a food taster for any pastas made with cooking wine.