Abs: Everyone wants them. No one’s got them. Except yours truly.
In today’s world, there just aren’t many people willing to put in the hard work and be a certain age to get for those shiny six-pick abs. Unlike me, a 22-year-old male with all the time in the world and a metabolism that has yet to be utterly decimated with age.
If you just put in that extra effort, you too can have a smoking hot bod by the end of your junior year of college just like me. Here are a few things I learned during training.
They say that abs are made in the kitchen. That’s why I do my entire ab workout in front of the refrigerator and stove. I don’t quite get the science behind it, but it really works. While you’re in the kitchen you might as well celebrate your progress with a few post-workout beers too.
As for diet, make sure you stay as far away from carbs as you can. Consider them your arch nemesis. Except on cheat days, of course. I typically set aside two or three cheat days a week, sometimes four during the summer, where I allow myself to absolutely devour any complex carbohydrates I can get my hands on. These cheat days should rarely affect your progress. If anything, an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill should do the trick, assuming you’re blessed with good genes.
Cardio, cardio, and I can’t stress this enough, cardio. Do not underestimate it. There are many different ways to burn those excess calories. For me, about a half hour of light jogging one day a week did the trick. Sex technically gets your heart rate up too, so be sure to include that in your daily workout journal. The trick is to think of sex as making cardio love.
Don’t drink every single day. A few times per week is fine, but otherwise steer clear. Evidently, PBR calories add up fast even though my progress has never been thwarted after a weekend bender. Also, there’s a gram or two of protein in beer. You’ll need those essential amino acids to build core muscle so, if you think about it, beer is actually good for you.
And always post your progress to Instagram with a couple of hashtags about how you’ve worked incredibly hard to get your body into fitness-model shape.