Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: Dragon Ball Z Is a Turn-Based Fighting Show

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

As television becomes more fractured and confusing in the new decade, it’s important to take a step back and recategorize the different genres in a way that fits our changing times. Why are we so wasteful to have both video game genres and television genres when one group of genres can easily fit them both? With this in mind, there is absolutely no reason to not adapt the increasingly popular terminology of video games onto television.

Using these guidelines, the hit 1989 anime Dragon Ball Z is very clearly a turn-based fighting show. There’s virtually no real-time fighting in the show and whenever there is, it’s obviously the equivalent of an attack animation cutscene sent after both sides have locked in their moves. The characters in the show instead spend most of their time powering up, charging attacks, changing forms, and utilizing other buffs, debuffs, and attacks that you would in something like Fire Emblem or Final Fantasy.

It’s going to be up to us to decide how to reclassify the rest of television, but to help kick things off, I’ll begin with some of the more obvious ones.

Games of Thrones, with it’s slow paced drama, army-building strategy, and political intrigue, is a turn-based strategy 4x show.

Something like the final season of Spartacus, on the other hand, is a real-time strategy show, due its focus on building up quick armies for immediate strategy and battle. All of the other seasons of Spartacus are, of course, an RPG fighting show.

Deadwood is a sandbox sim.

Westworld, due to its obsession with backtracking through timelines, confusing narratives, and important quest items, is a metroidvania.

Lost is a puzzle show.

Yu-Gi-Oh is a competitive card show.

Breaking Bad is a chaotic couch co-op cooking show for one to two players.

The Sopranos is a Telltale-style episodic adventure show where you don’t get to make choices, but every character will remember your actions.

The Wire is a The-Wire-like.

And of course, The Walking Dead is a zombie mode show, both for the never-ending hordes of zombies the protagonists fight, but also for the never-ending hordes of seasons the viewers fight.

I hope by now you all realize how much easier and smarter this is than just saying the above are all “dramas.”

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5 Things I Wish I Knew in My 20s That I Would’ve Definitely Ignored in My 20s

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Your 20s are hands down the most difficult decade of your life. I would know as someone who just turned 30 and am now looking down the barrel of a crippling existential crisis. If I could go back in time and tell my younger self everything I know now, I would’ve definitely ignored any advice from some geriatric 30-year-old. Gross! But here’s what I would’ve said anyway.

Have More Money – At the stroke of midnight on my 30th birthday, after my debit card was declined, it dawned on me that I really should’ve accumulated more wealth in my 20s so I could’ve had enough money to buy another vodka Red Bull from the bar. I finally understand what economists mean when they tell young people not to buy things like avocado toast. You’ll need to save that money for booze.

Don’t Care What People Think – There were so many times in my 20s I woke up after a night of binge drinking wondering if my friends still liked me. What can I say? My toxic personality comes out in full force after a few Applebee’s Bahama Mamas. Now I can get blackout drunk and insult all my friends without caring what people think! It pains me to think how much time I wasted considering other people’s feelings. Not anymore.

Appreciate What You Have Now – I remember fondly waking up after a night of drinking in my 20s with only a mild headache. I didn’t realize hangovers in your 30s actually hinder your day and last like almost a whole morning. I wish I would’ve appreciated my body back then for processing ungodly amounts of alcohol daily. Now my body is worthless. Make sure to really appreciate life in your 20s. Your body sucks the moment you hit 30 but, hey, at least it can’t get any worse!

Stop Negative Self-Talk – It is downright lethal to your well being to listen to your negative self-talk. A lot of times I’ve caught myself saying, “I’m such a terrible person for backstabbing another friend.” It’s important to catch this negativity in the moment and shift it elsewhere. Stop blaming yourself for things that could easily be blamed on someone else.

No Regrets – I’m totally done regretting my past. It’s time to start living now! I vow to spend my entire 30s reliving my 20s, only with more wisdom and shit. No apologies!

Bank CEO Will Have to Move in With Parents if He Doesn’t Get $40 Billion Bailout

Posted on March 31, 2020 by John Danek

NEW YORK — OneStar Bank CEO Finnegan Bostwick claimed today that if the U.S. Congress doesn’t pass a separate bailout including $40 billion for his company amidst the coronavirus pandemic, he’ll be forced to move back in with his mom and dad.

“This coronavirus scare is shutting down businesses left and right — no one can pay their loans, and thus, I can’t even pay telemarketers and repo men to harass delinquent customers because nobody wants to catch the ’rona,’” Bostwick said during a shareholders’ meeting held via Zoom. “Hell, right now I can’t maintain all six of my Manhattan penthouses, so it might be back to Lodi with Carol and Jim for me: they’re gonna make me do my own laundry and pay rent. This fucking blows.”

“What the so-called ‘working-class people’ don’t understand is that when you have more money, you have to spend more money, so I’m basically in the same situation as all of them,” continued Bostwick, whose monthly yacht maintenance fees surpass $400,000.

Carol Bostwick, Finnegan’s mother, isn’t surprised by her son’s financial downfall.

“Finnegan is a bright boy, but he’s always been so dependent on others,” explained Mrs. Bostwick while cooking a pot roast. “Before, he came running the moment OneStar Bank couldn’t cut him a check for a new property in Dubai. He was always so musical — I wish he would’ve started a band instead of going to school for economics; he’d be so much happier. And now his father and I will have to have boring, quiet sex since he’ll be sleeping in his childhood bedroom.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin stressed the importance of passing an additional stimulus bill.

“If you have a shred of decency, you can see the insurmountable struggle these CEOS are about to endure, and that’s why we must pass this stimulus,” explained Mnuchin in an emotional plea to Jake Tapper on CNN. “Most bank executives get yearly bonuses of between $10 and $30 million, but they already factor that into their yearly budgets, so it’s not even really like getting extra money. We need to protect them. I don’t want to live in a world where our finest CEOs have to drive Mazdas. Lord God, help us.”

In related news, Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon has started a GoFundMe to raise money for his girlfriend’s cold-pressed juice shop.

Dark Tower Multiverse Technically Allows for World Where Film Adaptation Is Good

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Adam Martin

OXFORD, England — Devoted fans of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series have hypothesized that the multiverse contained in the story’s lore would mean that somewhere within is a version of the film adaptation that was accepted positively by fans and critics.

“This theory is based on the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics,” said Oxford physicist and devoted Stephen King fan David Deutsch. “If every possible outcome of a quantum event exists in its own universe, then somewhere within The Dark Tower’s world exists a better movie than the piece of shit I paid 15 bucks to see!”

Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson weighed in on the fan theory that quickly went viral after first being posted yesterday afternoon.

“These notions of multiple worlds and infinite permutations provides hope that within these books perhaps lays a world where Elba’s talents are not completely fucking wasted,” he said. “Sadly, the universe that we exist within allowed The Dark Tower film to use a contrived CGI bullet trick shot to wrap up in less than two hours a profound, genre-defying, and self-aware masterpiece across seven novels. Truly the universe is a cold and unforgiving one.”

Skeptics of multiverse theory have vocally been unimpressed by the new fan theory.

“It is fitting that supporters of the many-worlds interpretation are pleased by these ideas,” said author and cosmologist Paul Davies. “Multiverse theory is a non-scientific slippery slope into faith and fiction, and the reality is some Stephen King films are just unwatchable garbage, no matter how much you liked the books they were adapted from. I mean, have you seen Firestarter? That alone should convince these multiverse proponents to hang it up.”

At press time, Stephen King announced he was working on a revised version of The Gunslinger in which the titular character’s companion Jake proclaims, “Go then, there are other worlds than these, and when they inevitably adapt this into a film, the director and screenwriter definitely do my character and the author of this book justice.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Larger Thug Feels Pressure to Take On Leadership Position

Posted on March 30, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

RIVER CITY— Local gangster Antonio Russo continues to work a low level thug position despite pressures from higher ranking goons to take on a boss role, due to his large size.

“I get it. I’m eight feet tall, and pipes bend when they hit my chest,” said Russo. “But that doesn’t mean I’m qualified for the actual organization part of organized crime, you know?”

Russo reports that he has been repeatedly invited to events meant for higher ups within the Alfonso crime family, and was even given a tour of an abandoned factory that could serve as a hangout. In one instance, Russo has received a “#1 Boss” mug as an anonymous birthday present.

“If I become a boss, I’m not gonna be able to hang out with my bros at our favorite burning barrel anymore,” Russo explained. “What if I am not there, and something happens to Spike or Ace? I couldn’t live with myself.”

Pressure on Russo has intensified with the Alfonso family planning to expand their drug dealing operations to the east side of the city. One boss within the family has frequently sent him pictures of dilapidated warehouses and crack dens, with captions like: “Pretty spacious, but that’s okay for a big guy like you right? Haha!” and “Wouldn’t this be a great place to have a final showdown? I could totally see you here!”

“This is the problem with vertical management,” Russo stated. “The better I am at busting heads, the more likely I am to get promoted and moved out of a position where my strengths are utilized. But I don’t want to be a good boss, what I want is to be an amazing thug.”

As of press time, Russo has accepted a promotion within his department, which sees him maintaining his position on the streets, but has shifted him into a nice corner spot at the end of the alleyway.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

How to Stay Calm in Quarantine When the Walls Are Clearly Closing In

Posted on March 30, 2020 by Eric Navarro

Other aspects of life do not end just because we’re in some form of quarantine and this includes self care. Wait, did you see that? We could have sworn this apartment was bigger yesterday. We swear that wall just moved in. Shit, maybe not. Sorry, we’ve been cooped up here for a while.

Mental illness does not take a vacation. Mental illness is quarantined in here with us so we have to get innovative to maintain our mental health during these times. Fuck, we swear that wall was like six feet further away this morning. Here is the official Hard Times guide to staying calm in quarantine even though the walls are clearly closing in around you.

Pretend you’re in a mansion! – This way you can pretend you have all the space in the world to roam. Also, that way the walls will take longer to close in because they clearly are.

Take regular breaks from social media and news coverage – While it can be tempting to replace social interaction with the internet, reading too much coronavirus news can lead to catastrophic thinking and ruminating about things you cannot control. One thing you can control is taking regular breaks to avoid anxiety provoking news and boomer humor memes. One thing you can’t control is these walls that have begun closing in around you.

Push the walls really hard – No clue if this’ll work but what else can we do when we’re confined to this physical and mental prison. We’re just sayin’ we didn’t see them try to fight the house in The Shining so who knows.

ESCAPE TO THE STREETS – Motherfucker, just run for it! You’re better off in the diseased unknown than in this apartment that is closing in around you and is certain to crush your mind, body, and spirit. We’ll be there running naked beside you, finally free. Finally free.

Adjust to your hospital room – Okay maybe leaving the house was a rash decision. Upon reflection, we realize it was all in our heads. However, the walls in this hospital room are most certainly closing in. We gotta get outta here. You watch for guards, we’ll take off our clothes.

MySpace Tells Employee to Stay Home During Pandemic

Posted on March 30, 2020 by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Social media website MySpace announced today it will require their singular employee to work from home during the COVID-19 pandemic, according to a press release.

“In this unprecedented situation, MySpace is taking drastic measures to mitigate the spread of this deadly virus while still continuing operations. During yesterday’s board meeting, we decided the safety of our employee, Jeff, comes first and foremost, “said CEO Tim Vanderhook. “Fortunately, the site can be run from pretty much anywhere on any computer, so we’ve asked Jeff to work from his home for the next two weeks. To keep expenses down, we have also asked him to buy his own laptop, because we need to keep our one computer at the office just in case.”

Jeff Loghlin, MySpace’s lone employee, became accustomed to working under quarantine rather quickly.

“It was really generous of the board to let me work from home… though I was pretty much in self-quarantine already when I was in the office. But now I don’t have to commute 45 minutes each way,” said Loughlin via Skype. “It was a little awkward at first when they asked HR, which is me, to send out the company-wide email about working from home. Being the programmer, tech support, customer service, receptionist, janitor, and intern, I had like, 20 emails from myself clog my inbox, which was kind of annoying. But hey, at least the bathroom is now only five feet away.”

Tech experts applauded MySpace’s initiative in prioritizing the safety of their staff and asking employees to isolate themselves during the crisis.

“This is the tech industry’s moment to show they actually care about their worker(s) by allowing them the flexibility to work remotely with minimal impact on the company’s daily operations. Just yesterday, Livejournal asked their staff of six Malaysian orphans to work from home in order to preserve everyone’s way-too-personal high school confessions from 2003,“ said Wired Magazine editor Marvin Harold. “Xanga’s move may be the most considerate yet: moving the hamster whose wheel powers their servers to a remote location in the Andes mountains. You can’t be too careful in this climate.”

In related news, Mark Zuckerberg announced that not only are all Facebook employees required to come back to the office immediately, but all staff must participate in a 45-minute unbroken hand holding chain to promote solidarity.

New GameStop Program Sends Employees to Your House to Break Any Games You Didn’t Buy Insurance For

Posted on March 30, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

GRAPEVINE, Texas — In an official press release this morning explaining that the new program is for your own good and your games will be much safer with it than without it, the retailer GameStop announced that the company will send its employees to your house to break any games that you purchased from them without buying insurance.

“In recent years, the percentage of digital game sales have skyrocketed, and physical discs and cartridges are becoming a smaller and smaller percentage of all games sold throughout the industry,” explained GameStop CEO George Sherman, noting that the smaller circulation of physical games meant that they were increasingly becoming a precious commodity. “While we sell download codes for new releases, we are also committed to carrying physical editions of new and pre-owned games in our stores. All of us at GameStop think it would be a real shame if something were to happen to any of those games, which is where our new ProShield Game Protection Plan comes in.”

“For the same low price of our existing insurance policy, the new ProShield plan will protect games purchased at our stores from bands of renegade GameStop employees that will be wandering around from house to house looking for uninsured games to destroy,” Sherman’s statement continued. “We are excited to announce that those bands of employees have begun their routes this morning, and we encourage all of our customers to opt into the ProShield plan for their previously purchased games at our website so that there aren’t any unfortunate accidents. To celebrate, we’re also offering a 2 for 1 sale on any retro games! All games have been thoroughly inspected and tested and are guaranteed to work, as long as you play by the rules.”

At press time, a follow-up statement by GameStop clarified that for customers whose game collections are entirely digital, the ProShield plan also covers consoles.

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The Top 5 Donovan Songs That Start Playing the Second Your Pupils Dilate

Posted on March 30, 2020 by Dan Rice

Congratulations on your decision to try hallucinogenic drugs! Now that you’ve dropped your bean, things are about to get pretty weird. You will soon lose your sense of time and space, experience ego death/apotheosis, and most notably start hearing a song from ’60s counter-culture icon Donovan.

Maybe it will start diagenetically — say from a friend’s phone or passing car — or maybe it will just start playing as if from nowhere and everywhere at once like in a movie. Either way, it will become all-encompassing as you embark on a kaleidoscopic montage of cosmic dreamscapes. Here are the 5 songs you can most likely expect.

Sunshine Superman
Looks like you scored the good stuff. Suddenly you are main-lining the secret truths of the universe and everything is a technicolor cartoon. Someone around you might morph into a snake but don’t worry, the snake will soon morph into a psychedelic wizard. Follow the wizard into the psychedelic forest and have a ball.

Hurdy Gurdy Man
Oh boy, hang on tight. If this is the Donavan song that starts playing as soon as the acid kicks in there’s a good chance you’ve bitten off a little more than you can chew. If you start having Vietnam flashbacks, try to remember you weren’t actually there.

Barabajagal
The bad news is, whatever you took was cut with a shit ton of amphetamine. The good news is you are now the king of dance! Or maybe you just think you are? You honestly don’t care. Things are going to get fucking WILD!

Wear Your Love Like Heaven
Woah, you got shrooms?! Those are like impossible to get right now with all the festivals being canceled! You got any more?

Mellow Yellow
If you start hearing this song it means someone sold you some fake shit. Better luck next time, poser.

Betsy DeVos Stands Under “Mission Accomplished” Banner After Successfully Shutting Down U.S. Public Education System

Posted on March 30, 2020 by Ella Gale

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos stood triumphantly beneath a “Mission Accomplished” banner in an empty cafetorium yesterday after the coronavirus allowed her to completely shut down the U.S. public education system.

“I’ve been waiting for this day since I was sworn in as Secretary of Education. Hard work and dedication pay off,” said a beaming DeVos. “I believe that the best governments govern the least, so as far as I’m concerned, this country’s schools are doing an incredible job. It’s basic civics — you know, the kind you shouldn’t be able to learn for free.”

“COVID-19 has been a literal god send. I spent many nights praying for answers, and then this was sent to me,” said DeVos. “All the millions of dollars promoting voucher programs were nothing compared to this. When I proposed budget cuts, I was thinking too small: this pandemic was the solution to public education.”

DeVos celebrated her victory by touring several empty D.C. schools with Republican lawmakers.

“These buildings would make great prisons. Some of the water fountains and toilets are too low for adults, but we would probably remove those anyway,” said Sen. Cory Gardner. “Or maybe factories — I’ve been a champion of bringing industry back to American soil, and whatever children survive this will need something to do after the pandemic ends. There’s no such thing as a free lunch: not since we shut down the cafeterias that feed millions of American kids.”

One quarantined classroom teacher in Kansas admitted that she grudgingly respects DeVos.

“I definitely don’t like her. I mean, she tried to cut funding for the Special Olympics. Who does that? But she’s not as incompetent as I thought,” said local teacher Carrie Bick. “I mean, she set out to destroy public schools, and now they’re all closed. It’s one for the history books—you know, the kind they’ll teach someday in for-profit private schools.”

Insider Washington sources report that DeVos has been inquiring about how she could be used to help destroy the Department of Health and Human Services.

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