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MySpace Tells Employee to Stay Home During Pandemic

LOS ANGELES — Social media website MySpace announced today it will require their singular employee to work from home during the COVID-19 pandemic, according to a press release.

“In this unprecedented situation, MySpace is taking drastic measures to mitigate the spread of this deadly virus while still continuing operations. During yesterday’s board meeting, we decided the safety of our employee, Jeff, comes first and foremost, “said CEO Tim Vanderhook. “Fortunately, the site can be run from pretty much anywhere on any computer, so we’ve asked Jeff to work from his home for the next two weeks. To keep expenses down, we have also asked him to buy his own laptop, because we need to keep our one computer at the office just in case.”

Jeff Loghlin, MySpace’s lone employee, became accustomed to working under quarantine rather quickly.

“It was really generous of the board to let me work from home… though I was pretty much in self-quarantine already when I was in the office. But now I don’t have to commute 45 minutes each way,” said Loughlin via Skype. “It was a little awkward at first when they asked HR, which is me, to send out the company-wide email about working from home. Being the programmer, tech support, customer service, receptionist, janitor, and intern, I had like, 20 emails from myself clog my inbox, which was kind of annoying. But hey, at least the bathroom is now only five feet away.”

Tech experts applauded MySpace’s initiative in prioritizing the safety of their staff and asking employees to isolate themselves during the crisis.

“This is the tech industry’s moment to show they actually care about their worker(s) by allowing them the flexibility to work remotely with minimal impact on the company’s daily operations. Just yesterday, Livejournal asked their staff of six Malaysian orphans to work from home in order to preserve everyone’s way-too-personal high school confessions from 2003,“ said Wired Magazine editor Marvin Harold. “Xanga’s move may be the most considerate yet: moving the hamster whose wheel powers their servers to a remote location in the Andes mountains. You can’t be too careful in this climate.”

In related news, Mark Zuckerberg announced that not only are all Facebook employees required to come back to the office immediately, but all staff must participate in a 45-minute unbroken hand holding chain to promote solidarity.