Will The PC Edition of ‘Death Stranding’ Be the Game of 2020? A Transparent Ploy to Get Kojima to Click This Article and Be My Friend

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

Amid the COVID-19 crisis, 2019’s Death Stranding has never felt more relevant. When the game was initially released a mere four months ago, its themes and narrative felt like highfalutin science fiction. Now, however, it all feels downright prescient within the new context of our world. This will certainly continue to feel true in the coming months as the global pandemic further unfolds — which is apt, as Death Stranding is being re-released on PC in June with some enhanced visual features and a photo mode. 

This news has received minor fanfare, but considering the points mentioned above, it begs the question: will the PC edition of Death Stranding ultimately be declared as 2020’s game of the year? That is the question that I’ve set out to ponder in the first paragraph of this article as a transparent ploy to trick the game’s director, Hideo Kojima, into clicking on the article and then becoming my friend.

Hello, Mr. Kojima. Thank you for clicking on my article. I’m sorry to have misled you like this, but once upon a time you misled me into playing as Raiden in Metal Gear Solid 2 after I purchased the game expecting to play as Solid Snake, so perhaps now we are even. In fact, much of your body of work is based in misdirection and false pretense: Solid Snake himself spends much of his time convincing others that he is a cardboard box. So, if you’ll indulge me, please allow me the remainder of this article to convince you that I should be your new best friend.

For starters, I love your work. That’s probably a given. I’ve recently read several books by one of your influences, Kobo Abe, because I was intrigued by a quote of his you used at the beginning of Death Stranding. You recently met Conan O’Brien, and he’s a huge influence of mine. So all of that should give us a few hours of conversation topics right there. But if all else fails, I can just enthusiastically praise your work the entire time without letting you get a word in edgewise, which seems to work for Geoff Keighley. 

Speaking of conversation, I took four semesters of Japanese in college and I still remember a decent amount of what I learned. With enough prep time I could brush up on my skills in preparation for our first hang out. Or, if you’re eager to hang out right away and you feel comfortable sticking with English, we can just do that instead. I am willing to let you call all of the shots if it helps my chances of becoming your friend, because I know you love calling shots. You can even tell people that our friendship was “directed by Hideo Kojima” if that sweetens the deal.

Please, Hideo — is it too forward if I call you Hideo? — I implore you: if by chance you did click this article and have read this far but don’t want to respond, I just want you to take a second and remember how Death Stranding was all about connecting to people and making them feel less alone. Do you remember? Because I’ve been stuck in my quarantined New York City apartment for three weeks now and it’s all I can think about.

Anyway, if you’re reading this and you’re not Hideo Kojima, I guess you should check out the Death Stranding PC version or whatever. It’s a great game, but I bet it will get snubbed for game of the year AGAIN. If you do check it out, though, please leave a review for the game on Steam and tell Kojima that he should be my friend. Help a guy out. If Geoff Keighley can become friends with him, how hard can it be?

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Woah, I Said Our Service Industry Workers Are Heroes, I Never Said They Deserve a Living Wage

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

When this whole coronavirus thing is all over and we look back, it is going to be the brave men and women of our service industry — grocery clerks, the sales associates, the burger flippers, and the delivery folk — who will be seen as the true heroes that saved that day. But please note, that in no way means I feel like they should be paid a salary in which they would be able to live upon.

Did Superman ask for a raise every time he saved Metropolis? No. He got a second job to make ends meet and so should the heroes of this epidemic.

Much like the first responders after 9/11, we should do everything in our power to thank the employees at our local Krogers and Taco Bells for going to work when it posed a threat to their very lives. And also like the 9/11 first responders, we should do little else in the way of thanking them besides empty gestures and platitudes.

I am sure some members of congress are going to show pictures of all the sick and dying employees of Wal-Mart, demanding that we treat these people with free hand-outs we can’t afford. They’ll be dead before they can even waste their hand-outs on booze and cigarettes. We should be giving that money to the company these people sacrificed themselves to save.

No one ever said a hero’s life was easy and if they didn’t want to put their lives on the line for $7.79 per hour then they shouldn’t have enlisted to serve at their local grocery store. The men and women of our armed forces are cast aside and forgotten after their tours of duty, why should some Burger King employee be any different?

So, let’s come up with a hashtag, ring a bell, print a shirt, or some bullshit to thank these people but stop short of letting them feed their children.

REPORT: Mr. Fucking Big Shot Over Here Calls It “COVID-19” Instead of “Coronavirus

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local man and alleged “wannabe Patch Adams bitch” Dan Paulson is allegedly acting like “he cured polio or some shit” just because he calls coronavirus “COVID-19” and washes his hands frequently, instead of just after he takes a dump.

“My friend Giancarlo Skyped me — I figured he was going stir crazy from social distancing and needed to chat. Turned out, him and all my friends were out at some bar defying the governor’s orders, and they only called to mock me for being ‘afraid of a wittle [sic] virus,’” said Paulson. “It only got worse when I called it ‘COVID-19.’ They ripped on me pretty bad, then they insisted I’m actually not at risk of catching coronavirus because I’ve got my head buried so far up my own ass.”

Paulson’s friend who has defiantly touched her own face for the last three weeks, Tamantha Kramer, explained this just another example of Paulson “big-timing them.”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Dr. fucking Quinn. How much Purell did you buttchug today, dipshit?” said Kramer prior to a violent coughing fit she insisted was from smoking. “Apparently ‘Medicine Woman’ locked himself away in a hyperbaric jerk-off chamber, and he’s ‘worried’ about my health just because I have a weakened heart valve from huffing paint solvent. But I told him the exact same thing I told my 84-year-old roommate — just because you’re worried about getting coronavirus, doesn’t mean I’m going to stop partying, Meemaw.”

However, coworker Ernest Webb insisted that despite taking COVID-19 seriously, Paulson has been spreading “dangerous misinformation” about the virus.

“I mean, it’s great that Dan is taking certain precautions… but he’s also the type of person that believes every bullshit myth peddled by Alex Jones,” Webb explained. “We spent the first 20 minutes of a Zoom meeting convincing him that gargling bleach is a terrible idea, and that coronavirus is not a Chinese plot to kill Betty White. All things considered, maybe he should just go out drinking with his friends?”

Currently, Paulson’s friends are planning a “hilarious prank” in which they break into his home, hold him down, and cough into his mouth.

Christopher Walken Swears His Fever Is Just for More Cowbell

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Actor Christopher Walken announced today that his 102 degree fever was simply for more cowbell and had nothing to do with the rise in COVID-19 cases nationwide.

“Guess what? I’ve got a fever! And a dry cough, a tingling in my chest, as well as shortness of breath. And the only prescription… is more cowbell!” Walken said before having a coughing fit. “I put my pants on just like the rest of you. Incredibly slowly because standing up and walking over to my dresser feels akin to running a marathon. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records and I lay on the floor for upwards of 45-minutes.”

Those close to Walken, however, are concerned that his illness is more serious than he is letting on.

“This is incredibly serious. Chris needs to go to the hospital and get himself tested for coronavirus. I don’t know, if I’m the only one, I’ll shut up,” said former Saturday Night Live cast member Chris Parnell.

“Chris really needs to go to the doctor and find out if he has coronavirus,” said The Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon, desperately holding back giggles.

“Can I just say one thing?” asked comedian and actor Will Ferrell. “I’m standing here staring at acting legend Christopher Walken! And if Christopher Walken says he doesn’t have coronavirus, we should probably believe he doesn’t have coronavirus!”

“Say it baby,” Walken exclaimed, reaching for an inhaler.

At press time, Christopher Walken died of a cowbell overdose. An autopsy report showed zero trace of COVID-19.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Dad Worried Son Views Weekend Custody as Filler Arc

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

BETHPAGE, N.Y. — After multiple failed attempts at connecting with his son, single father Frank Corbin has reportedly begun to worry that his weekend custody no longer furthers the central narrative of his son’s life in a meaningful way.

“After Jeffrey’s mother and I split up, I tried to keep him occupied with wacky adventures to places a kid wouldn’t normally think of, like Wyoming,” Corbin said. “I’m now realizing that all these side quests might have ignored the major mysteries in his life, like why his body is changing, or whether the divorce was his fault.”

Corbin has spent over two years of custody weekends trying to connect with his son through fun bite-sized expeditions, but has found none of his methods have contributed to a cohesive story.

“We spent all of last weekend searching for this legendary street meat cart I had heard about, but all he cared about was when he could get back to studying for AP English,” Corbin said. “But can AP English teach you how to chow down on some weird spicy stuff from a propane grill and then get your stomach pumped? No way.”

Although Corbin believes his persistence may still be successful, his son feels otherwise.

“Every weekend feels entirely pointless and confusing,” Jeffrey said. “I’m getting ready to apply to college and he just sidetracks me by introducing a bunch of third cousins I’d never heard of, who want us to join them in longboarding or whatever niche hobby they’re obsessed with.”

Jeffrey later added that he was excited to finish his current weekend, now that his mother has had the time to develop further narratives with the upcoming “stepdad Darryl” saga.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Quarantined Man Running Out of Excuses Not to Watch The Wire

Posted on by Peter Casciato

UTICA, N.Y. — Trapped at home for over a week due to the coronavirus, out-of-work waiter Jim Stevens is quickly running out of excuses to not watch the seminal HBO crime show “The Wire,” sources who have said for years he ought to check out “The Wire” confirmed.

“I used to tell my friends that I was super busy with work, but this stupid pandemic has tossed that excuse out the window,” said Stevens, who could have been watching David Simon’s shockingly accurate portrayal of the Baltimore narcotics scene instead of giving this interview. “Lately I’ve been telling everyone that I had something called ‘Covid-madness’ due to being stuck in my apartment…. that held them off for about a day or two. I figure my next move is intentionally infecting myself with severe pink eye. That usually lasts a couple of weeks, right?”

Friend Dennis Fischer claimed he was “more confused than ever” as to why Stevens hasn’t started watching “Obama’s favorite TV show,” given his current abundance of free time.

“Since the Chinese restaurant Jim worked at went under, he’s had nothing to do all day. And he’s already in a dark place, so it’s not like this incredibly depressing show could bring him down anymore. It’s the perfect time to watch ‘The Wire,’” said Fischer. “Allegedly, Jim has instead been focusing on applying for jobs and figuring out how he’s going to pay rent this month. What a load of horseshit, right?”

TV critic Andre Mellor added that getting friends and loved ones to commit to watching the show is a difficult, often impossible task.

“Without a doubt, ‘The Wire’ is the crown jewel of the golden age of television,” said Mellor. “But admittedly, it doesn’t reach its full potential until season three. Like I tell my girlfriend, all you have to do is slog through 23 hours of mediocre TV, and then it becomes amazing. Or at least I would tell her that if I had a girlfriend.”

At press time, Stevens’ group of friends admitted they’re primarily pushing for him to watch “The Wire” just so he can finally get to “Breaking Bad.”

Punk Already Sold out of Medium Homemade Face Masks

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

OMAHA, Neb. — Local punk and part-time crafts enthusiast Mark Penderson, seeing a need for DIY face masks to help fight the spread of COVID-19, has reportedly already run out of the medium-sized masks he’s created.

“I heard people we’re losing their shit about not having enough masks, and I have a sewing machine, so I felt like whipping up some face masks and selling them was the least I could do,” Penderson said while packaging the final medium. “Turns out, this mask business is the real deal, because this has been the busiest week of my life. Looking back, though, I could’ve done with fewer boxes of XXXL masks instead. Maybe they’ll shrink in the wash?”

People seeking protective masks praised Penderson’s efforts, but were frustrated that he only had one youth Large-sized mask and 18 XXXL’s left in his online store.

“I heard about this store on Etsy, and figured this was a perfect way to support local business while also being safe… but they sold out of my size in minutes,” resident Brian Marcus said while fastening a coffee filter over his face with a rubber band. “I feel like they should’ve known to make extra mediums — it’s always the highest demand. How much fabric did this guy just have lying around, anyway?”

However, Penderson’s inventory still sold when hospital administrator Sandra Burk found out about the extras.

“They’re huge, they’re like blankets… which is crazy for a mask designed to fit snugly around one’s nose and mouth,” Burk said while unboxing more giant face masks. “They are so close to basically useless. The dude was sold out of mediums, as I should have known — I’ve been to punk shows before, I get it. But we’re in dire need, so we’ll take what we can get. We’ve just been wrapping them around people’s entire heads like they’re mummies.”

At press time, it was discovered that one person ordered all 100 medium-sized masks and was reselling them in a hospital parking lot at an exorbitant markup.

God Admits It’s Kinda Gay to Create Dudes

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

HEAVEN — The almighty being who created the heavens and earth, God, admitted today that it’s actually kinda gay to create guys if you think about it, according to angels close to Him.

“Yeah I dunno, I have nothing against gay people or anything — I mean some of my old writing is pretty bad or whatever but I’m woke now — it’s just like… making dudes in my own image? Kinda gay,” God said, His voice booming. “I just like making chicks, man. That’s way more my speed.”

“No disrespect or anything,” God added. “I love pussy but I’m not weird about it.”

According to those familiar with the situation, God’s statements made some in Heaven feel uncomfortable.

“I get that He’s trying to move past His old statements, but I don’t think He realizes how weird it is that He’s always talking about what’s gay or not,” said an angel who wished to remain anonymous even though God sees all and hears all. “We don’t care if He’s gay. He’s still making just as many guys as women so like, whatever. It’s not a big deal!”

“The other day I walked up to Him and was just like ‘hey what’s up,’” the angel added, “and God was all like ‘I never look at the dicks when I make them.’ OK? I literally never asked.”

Others have been more critical of the Creator.

“I know we have beef, but trying to be as objective as possible, God straight up sucks,” said ruler of Hell, Satan. “He’s lowkey homophobic, He’s pretentious as fuck, and he fucking evicted me out of my home. Yeah, I’m still mad about that. Let’s just say it how it is: God is a landlord.”

At press time, God revealed, snickering, that He actually only told Adam to wear the leaf over his “junk” in the Garden of Eden and never made any such requirement for Eve.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Ranked All the Thrash/Hardcore Albums of Law & Order: SVU Cast Members

Posted on by John Danek

It’s a pretty well-known fact that the television show “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” has been a breeding ground for influential crossover thrash acts since 1999. Many of the cast members came up in the New York Hardcore Scene in the 80’s where No Law No Order Records founder and later TV producer Dick Wolf scouted various bands.

4. Munch – “Munched to Death” (1988)

Richard Belzer was famously a stand-up comedian who warmed up SNL audiences for years and worked the New York club circuit. He also used his comedic chops to entertain the crowd between songs of his band Munch during shows at CBGB. Unfortunately, Munch never strays too far from the template of D.R.I. to stand on its own. But Dick Wolf liked the band enough to name Belzer’s long-running character after them.

3. Hargitazer – Self-Titled 12” (1987)

Hargitzaer’s legacy would have likely been enshrined in hardcore history if they could have kept the band together to play a show. But the band, featuring the famously caustic Mariska Hargitay on vocals, broke up right after recording this fantastic batch of songs. While there have been rumors that Hargitzer would reunite to play next year’s Riot Fest, such rumblings remain only rumors.

2. Wolf Pakk – “Miranda’s Rights” (1990)

Not technically an SVU cast member, but we would be remiss to exclude series creator Dick Wolf’s infamous Wolf Pakk from this list. The band routinely attracted controversy with their hyper-political lyrics, like in the song “Defenseless Attorney.”

1. The Decimated Three – “10%” (1989)

Christopher Meloni’s acting range traverses the emotions from deadly serious (“Law & Order,” “Oz”) to absurdly silly (“Wet Hot American Summer,” “Harold & Kumar”). His voice also amazingly bridges the gap from soaring clean tenor notes to gravely growls bordering on death metal. The Decimated Three’s “10%” is clearly influenced heavily by Black Flag’s “My War” but innovates so much that bands today still use its ideas as a template.

Honorable Mention: Body Count – Self-Titled (1992)

The debut album from Ice-T’s Body Count is an admirable effort, but many of the songs here feel derivative of contemporaries. The band went on to release subsequent albums, but if you heard this one, you heard them all.

Open Relationships Closed Indefinitely

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

LOS ANGELES — Ethically non-monogamous couples around the world announced today that open relationships will be closed indefinitely to help ensure social distancing in response to the global coronavirus pandemic, bored and horny sources confirmed.

“I’m just devastated,” said David Maestro, a software programmer and the resident sub in his polycule. “This has been really hard on myself and Mary, and Jonathan, and Omar, and Shelly, and Other Mary. It really hurts. And not the good kinda hurt, like when someone flicks my balls with a riding crop… which won’t happen now that I can’t see Other Mary.”

“I just feel so alone,” Maestro added. “I have no one to keep me company except my wife and three kids.”

Self-quarantining to fight COVID-19 has had a disproportionate impact on the nation’s thruples, quouples, dodecheduples, orgies, cuddle puddles, adult buffets, and Boston marriages. Some, however, are trying to telecommute their relationships.

“I’ve been Skyping my boyfriend, and my husband Brad has been Skyping his boyfriend, but it’s just not the same,” lamented local switch Ashley Fiorino. “I mean, what’s the point of having multiple partners if you can only fuck one of them? Brad has it worse, though: he was trying to Zoom his boyfriend but accidentally signed into a work meeting and showed his CFO his dong… which, I guess, is the least of anyone’s worries right now.”

While many are concerned over forced monogamy, even more are worried about shortages of supplies in the wake of disaster stockpiling.

“I’m at my sidechick’s house, and we only have three condoms left,” worried Ramon Salazar. “I’ve been reusing one, just kinda washing out in the sink, and it ain’t that bad — I’m the only one who’s been in there, after all. Maybe the hospitals or whatever will start asking the public to DIY some condoms or something so everyone can have enough. I totally would, but I don’t have any elastic that’s stretchy enough, if you know what I’m saying.”

At press time, local flags were being lowered to half-mast in honor of the nation’s cucks.

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