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Quarantined Man Running Out of Excuses Not to Watch The Wire

UTICA, N.Y. — Trapped at home for over a week due to the coronavirus, out-of-work waiter Jim Stevens is quickly running out of excuses to not watch the seminal HBO crime show “The Wire,” sources who have said for years he ought to check out “The Wire” confirmed.

“I used to tell my friends that I was super busy with work, but this stupid pandemic has tossed that excuse out the window,” said Stevens, who could have been watching David Simon’s shockingly accurate portrayal of the Baltimore narcotics scene instead of giving this interview. “Lately I’ve been telling everyone that I had something called ‘Covid-madness’ due to being stuck in my apartment…. that held them off for about a day or two. I figure my next move is intentionally infecting myself with severe pink eye. That usually lasts a couple of weeks, right?”

Friend Dennis Fischer claimed he was “more confused than ever” as to why Stevens hasn’t started watching “Obama’s favorite TV show,” given his current abundance of free time.

“Since the Chinese restaurant Jim worked at went under, he’s had nothing to do all day. And he’s already in a dark place, so it’s not like this incredibly depressing show could bring him down anymore. It’s the perfect time to watch ‘The Wire,’” said Fischer. “Allegedly, Jim has instead been focusing on applying for jobs and figuring out how he’s going to pay rent this month. What a load of horseshit, right?”

TV critic Andre Mellor added that getting friends and loved ones to commit to watching the show is a difficult, often impossible task.

“Without a doubt, ‘The Wire’ is the crown jewel of the golden age of television,” said Mellor. “But admittedly, it doesn’t reach its full potential until season three. Like I tell my girlfriend, all you have to do is slog through 23 hours of mediocre TV, and then it becomes amazing. Or at least I would tell her that if I had a girlfriend.”

At press time, Stevens’ group of friends admitted they’re primarily pushing for him to watch “The Wire” just so he can finally get to “Breaking Bad.”