HERITAGE, Miss. — Chick-fil-A announced its last restaurant to desegregate has finally done so, sources confirmed.
“This brings to an end the long, arduous process of desegregation at our Heritage, Mississippi, location,” said Jack Houles, Jr., chief pleasure officer for Chick-fil-A locations. “We kicked off this initiative after the state of Mississippi ratified the 13th Amendment—the one banning slavery—in 2013. It took them 148 years. We got this done in only 13. Just goes to show the efficiency of the private market. Plus, with all the immigration, we weren’t sure how to segregate people anymore. It was easier back when there were only two sections. Now there’s, what, 10? Twenty? Can’t run a restaurant like that.”
Customers from the Heritage area were cautious about changes to the restaurant.
“Why is everyone making this desegregation stuff about race? It’s so far in the past, it’s time to let it go. Besides, like my grandpa always said, he never met a slave that didn’t greet him with a smile, just like they do at Chick-fil-A,” said a customer who preferred to remain anonymous. “I’m not a racist, but I wonder what’s next. Are they going to mix all the sauces together, too? Combine the bathrooms? Take the Charlie Kirk Meal Deal off the menu? If I have to wait any longer for chicken nuggets, I’m going to Cane’s.”
One expert called for deeper reflection.
“However welcome this news may be, the entire situation could’ve easily been avoided had a Fatburger been built on that lot instead of a Chick-fil-A,” said Lovie Yancey, a professor of sociology at the University of Mississippi. “A lot of work remains for Chick-fil-A. For example, Chick-fil-A may think it’s cute or endearing to make customers wait in line to have their drinks refilled by an employee behind the counter. But when you’re on a 30-minute lunch break, you don’t have time to wait behind some Yosemite Sam-sounding motherfucker swapping fishing stories with the corpse on Medicare Parts A, B, and Dumbass using a light touch on the Coke spigot. Just let me go back there and refill my drink myself so I can get on with my day. Even better, move the fountain drinks to a self-serve station. Fuck.”
As of press time, Chick-fil-A reassured its customers of its corporate values by giving a discount to couples named Adam and Eve, but not Adam and Steve.
