Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Bartender Must Cleave Through Groot to Verify His Age

Posted on March 29, 2020 by Jay Miller

KNOWHERE, T.R. — A bartender at Starlin’s Bar was forced to cut a section of Groot, a beloved Guardian of the Galaxy, in half to verify he was of drinking age, witnesses claim.

“I wanted to be sure,” said Rick Castañeda, the bartender working at Starlin’s last night when the beloved hero came in. “I asked for some identification, but the tree guy didn’t have any, and then I remembered that you can tell how old a tree is by cutting it down and counting its rings. He seemed really insistent on getting his drink so I got to work cutting into him.”

Groot, a member of the tree-like Flora Colossi, reportedly resisted this attempt to verify his age until he was told it was the only way he could get his alcoholic beverage.

“Obviously we don’t keep axes and saws around the bar,” said Jar-Dihn, a bouncer at Starlin’s. “So Rick just started carving into him with a knife we use to jimmy the register open sometimes. I’ve seen some crazy shit working as a bouncer but the whole thing with the tree guy? That was fucked up. I didn’t think a tree could scream but I was dead wrong.”

While Groot’s fellow Guardians of the Galaxy did not accompany him to Starlin’s, they eventually tracked him to the bar after discovering that he had snuck out earlier that night.

“Groot almost got destroyed when we crash-landed Ronan’s ship on Xandar,” said Peter Quill, known more widely as Star Lord. “But he grew back as a cute little baby tree. He’s grown a lot since then but he’s not back to full size yet. If we’re comparing him to a human, he’d be a teenager. Since we’re like his parents now, the others and I decided not to let him into the ship’s liquor cabinet and I guess he snuck out. Jokes on him though! When we got to Starlin’s, the bartender was already counting his rings and they only added up to 18.”

“I am Groot,” said Groot. “I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot! I am Groot.”

At press time, Groot had been left to grow his top and bottom sections together. Meanwhile, the government caught wind of his confirmed age and confirmed that while he was not old enough to drink, he could be drafted to serve in SHIELD.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

I Know Your Husband Just Died From Coronavirus but Did You Know the Flu Kills 12,000 People per Year?

Posted on March 29, 2020 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

Hey there, just wanted to pop into the comments section of this memorial post for your late husband and let you know that, while coronavirus feels like it’s a pretty big deal, the common flu actually kills about 12,000 people per year so there’s really nothing to worry about.

Yeah, the media is totally going to blow this thing out of proportion and tell you we’re in a crisis unseen in the last 100 years with catastrophic implications on public health and the economy, but I’m here with some cold, hard data to put everything into perspective. 12,000 is not a small number by any stretch and we’re nowhere near there yet so everything is totally fine! Hell, Trump says this thing will blow over by Easter and there’s no way the American people would put a lying, incompetent, spineless fraud into the White House, right?

Listen, I know things are scary right now but in times like these you can either be afraid or you can be informed. These flu numbers were pulled from some of the latest tweets on coronavirus so I’m something of an authority on the subject. These numbers spell hope! You should know that despite your deeply personal and heartbreaking loss, statistically, we’re still in pretty good shape right now and that should ease some of the pain while you watch your husband’s funeral from at least 200 feet away.

Just think, a year from now we’re all gonna look back on this whole ordeal and laugh because there’s really only a tiny percentage of people who die from this thing. Your husband was just a small blip on the radar so thank God it wasn’t worse! I mean, what if there were mass casualties across the country, exacerbated by a complete lack of planning despite clear warning signs shown to the people in power several months ago? Now that would be a tragedy.

Guy Fieri Stuck In Flavortown Until Quarantine Lifted

Posted on March 29, 2020 by Rob Walker

FLAVORTOWN — Celebrity chef and T.V. personality Guy Fieri was placed under unexpected quarantine due to the coronavirus after arriving in Flavortown this week, bomb-ass sources reported Friday.

“I was expecting yet another tasty trip down the highways of America,” said a dazed and malnourished Fieri. “I love Flavortown — they’ve given me the key to the city three times — but being stuck here is kind of miserable. All I want is a glass of water, and people in straw cowboy hats keep giving me spicy Bloody Marys and Banh Mi taquito platters… and it doesn’t look like anyone is gonna be running out of supplies anytime soon. It’s almost worrisome.”

Flavortown ambassador and owner of “Doug’s Deep Fried Pasta” Doug Slamma was disappointed by Fieri’s “bummerino” attitude during the already difficult time.

“Listen, I realize not everyone can hang with the Flavortown lifestyle: some folks just want to stop by for a drink and some Lava Sausage Poppers. But I expected more of Guy,” Slamma said. “Do you know about the three keys to the city we gave him? That’s not nothing. He should be able to get down and turn the frown upside down until this sitch gets resolved. Instead, he’s whining about how he ‘wants a salad without nachos on it’ or whatever. Most of us don’t even know what he’s talking about.”

Most residents are taking the situation in stride, however, and Flavortown’s Mayor Blast Chiplark emphasized that the situation was well under control as the CDC monitors the area.

“The citizens of Flavortown understand we have to make sacrifices, just like our residents made in World War II — which is why were implementing a strict, three margarita limit to maintain supplies,” said Chiplark, pulling his mayoral gold chain that reads “Freaky Tzatziki” out of his flower-print shirt. “Back then, folks had to ration their Dorito Panko breading and Appletini mix for the good of the war effort. There’s no timeline for when Flavortown residents can leave the colorful and explosively delicious city limits, so we all have to make sacrifices. Know what I mean, jelly bean?”

At press time, Flavortown residents were leading a shrimp cocktail parade down Main Street, while Fieri was spotted outside Mama Maddie’s Hot-Sauce Hut begging residents for a vegetable that hadn’t been soaked in alcohol or nacho cheese.

Christian Mothers Agree It’s Actually Pretty Neat How ‘Doom Eternal’ Updated Its Combat System to Discourage Camping

Posted on March 29, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

SHEBOYGAN, Wisc. — In an impromptu meeting reacting to the release of the latest game in the controversial Satanic-themed first-person shooter franchise, a coalition of concerned Christian mothers came to a unanimous agreement that it’s actually pretty neat how Doom Eternal’s combat system had been updated to discourage camping by the player.

“Our stance on this franchise has been constant since its inception in 1993. We believe that the Doom games are a morally bankrupt, depraved piece of pop culture that continues to endanger our childrens’ innocence,’ said Christian Mothers Against Violent Video Games spokesperson Colleen Riley. “That being said, [Doom] ‘16 had a lot of squandered potential because you could just kinda cheese your way through each fight by hiding behind columns and corners and that was kinda bullshit. After reviewing a sampling of Doom Eternal’s grotesque, obscenely violent gameplay, it seems like they’ve at least balanced things a bit more to encourage you to get really competent with the shotgun and chaining glory kills early on, which is a step in the right direction.”

“All of us at CMAVVG are steadfast in our desire to see games like these taken off of the market so that young minds aren’t corrupted by their influence,” Riley continued. “But at least I can sleep soundly at night knowing that if my son plays Doom Eternal at a friend’s house or something, he’ll have to actually suck it up and get through it like a man.”

Riley says that although the mothers disagree with the game’s themes, they won’t go so far as to encourage a public boycott as long as they can raise awareness on how to play the game the way the developers intended.

“Listen, I still maintain the position that these games are bad for our youth, but if you’re going to let your kid get their hands on Doom Eternal, you should at least encourage them to play on Ultra-Violence or Nightmare,” added Riley. “That shit will really put some hair on your chest.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Newly Hatched Baby Pokémon Gains 23 Levels Watching Dragonite Beat Shit Out of Gym Leader

Posted on March 28, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

KANTO — Several minutes after being hatched from an egg received from a nearby day care center, a newborn baby Squirtle gained 23 levels at once while watching a Dragonite on his team beat the shit out of the dragon-type gym leader Raihan, sources confirmed earlier today.

“When Squirtle hatched, he was only level 5, so I knew he would need a lot of work before he could actively participate in battles,’ said trainer Chester Williamson, gesturing towards the water Pokémon who had already evolved once despite being less than a half hour old. “I figured sticking him in my rotation would let him learn a thing or two from the more experienced members of my party, but I had no idea he would learn this much this quickly just by watching Dragonite use Dragon Breath a few times.”

Galar region researchers are eager to study the Pokémon following the unprecedented event.

“I see Dynamax and Gigantamax Pokémon that can grow to the size of skyscrapers every day, but I’ve never seen a Pokémon level up this quickly just from watching other Pokémon battling,” said esteemed region expert Professor Magnolia. “What is its secret? Is there some ancient power lying deep within it? There’s certainly much that we can learn from this Squirtle — oh, it’s already evolved into Wartortle. Fascinating!”

Audience members who attended the battle between Williamson and Raihan said that while it was exciting to witness the unusual event firsthand, it got kind of boring to sit and watch the Squirtle keep learning and forgetting moves for 15 minutes.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Donald Glover Quietly Releases Coronavirus Vaccine at 4 a.m. Before Deleting It

Posted on March 28, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — Musician, comedian, and actor Donald Glover released a vaccine he created for COVID-19 on his website donaldpresentsthecure.com at 4 a.m. this morning and then deleted it less than two hours later, frustrated government sources confirmed.

“Art is temporary. Vaccines are temporary. Life is temporary. Everything is temporary. What we create is for those who see it in the moment,” Glover said in a series of cryptic tweets. “This is for America. This is for the people. This is for my son. This is for my other son. For the real ones who experienced it, you know, Donald Presents the Cure. Now it’s your turn.”

Despite no promotion for the vaccine, Glover’s fans quickly discovered the website and ordered the available stock.

“Holy shit! I can’t believe I ordered the vaccine before it got taken down. Gambino is a fucking mastermind,” said Reddit user u/roscoessoakingwetsuit in a megathread. “I have a 102 degree fever, I can barely breathe, and I’m pretty sure my lungs are 75% crystalized, but there’s absolutely no way I’m gonna take this vaccine and just use it up. It’s a collector’s item.”

“Once again, Gambino proves he’s the GOAT,” said u/trojantroy96. “You don’t see Kanye or Tyler or Kendrick putting out life-saving vaccines and music: it’s because they literally don’t care about us the way Bino does. And the fact that he deleted it after an hour? No one understands the economic theory of scarcity like Donald does. ABSOLUTE GOAT.”

Glover’s vaccine has also been a topic of debate within the medical community.

“It is incredibly irresponsible for someone to profit off of the coronavirus epidemic for some sort of art-stunt,” said epidemiologist Dr. Kristine Harbison. “Especially because, by all accounts it… works. The vaccine works incredibly well. I don’t really understand how he did it, considering that Glover has seemingly no medical background, but let’s be real; anything he touches turns to gold. But his vaccine needs to be readily available to everyone right now.”

“We cannot afford to wait a week for it to show up in a more official fashion,” she added. “The pandemic cannot be on a release schedule designed by a record label.”

At press time, Glover announced that he and his team were filming a special coronavirus-themed season of “Atlanta” in an underground bunker he built.

Gamer Has Heard Good Things About ‘Super Mario Bros.’ But Never Played It

Posted on March 28, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

CHICAGO — During a conversation about video games with a friend at a recent house party, longtime gamer Phillip Krieger perked up at the mention of the iconic 1985 game Super Mario Bros., noting that he’s heard good things about it despite never having played it, sources confirmed.

“Oh, yeah! Super Mario Bros.! That’s the one with the plumbers, right? I recognize those characters because they make so many cameos in other things and there’s references to them in other games, but I’ve never really dug into it,” said Krieger, demonstrating his surface-level familiarity with one of the best-selling game franchises of all time by rattling off some cursory details about the characters, story, and gameplay elements of the series.

“It seems pretty cool,” he added. “Like I saw a quick clip of a level with those turtles with the green shells that walk around, is it true that they get wings and start jumping later on? Man, that sounds cool. I’ve gotta check it out when I get a chance.”

“Honestly, my friends are always discussing how good [Super Mario Bros.] is and I’ve been meaning to sit down and play it for years, but I feel like I’ve just gotta be in the right mood for it, you know?” continued Krieger, adding that he plans to eventually “make a weekend of it” by binging the game’s sequels one after another to get the full experience. “Oh wait, they’re all streaming on Nintendo Switch Online, right? I should just carve out some time and do that this weekend! Oh man, I’m pumped!”

At press time, Krieger had changed the subject by asking his friend if The Legend of Zelda was worth checking out.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Sat Down With Trump Because I Have the Coronavirus and This Is Our Chance

Posted on March 28, 2020 by Ryan Danley

In this very trying time, it is important that we are able to have a rational conversation with those in charge of our future. We here at The Hard Times have a lot of questions for Mr. Trump around his handling of this entire pandemic. Our readers have a vested interest in getting back to our lives as soon as possible. We were very fortunate that Trump granted us an interview.

I say Fortunate because I happen to have Coronavirus. Yeah, I was pretty flippant about the whole thing at first. I went to comedy open mics, went on Tinder dates, and I may have possibly done a little spring breaking.

Now that I have a raging fever and can barely breathe. I figure this may be our only chance to “expedite” this entire mess. If you know what I mean. So let’s do this.

Hard Times: Thank you for meeting with us Mr. President.
Trump: Uh…I would appreciate it if you weren’t sitting right next to me. We should be at least six feet apart.
Oh sorry. I guess I just wanted to sit next to the greatest President of all time. Obama let me…
Ok. Fine. Sit there if you want. This is all blown out of proportion anyway. Wait, Why do you keep coughing?
I didn’t cough. You coughed man.
What?
So ya. China man. How about that shit?
You literally just sprayed a spit mist across my face. It looked like on purpose. Are you sure you’re from Fox News?
You know what Donny? I’m feeling a little woozy and could really use a hug. Like a big sweaty hug.
Did you just lick your fingers and try to touch my face?! I’m out of here.
Trump 2020! Coming in HOT!
That’s my man, high five! Oh, shit.
Did you know that if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer?
What? Is my hand bigger than my face?
Oh, I can’t tell like that, you have to touch your face. Yeah like that, good. Wow, actually your hand is noticeably smaller than your face. Man, am I going to catch what you have?
What?
Haha, just kidding, here have some of my diet coke!
I do love diet coke.

And now the Secret Service is taking me for one of the few tests available. Rad.

Woman Reminds Everyone She Too Is Masturbating Excessively to Pass Time

Posted on March 28, 2020 by James Knapp

BOSTON — Local woman Farrah Johanson assured anyone who would listen yet again today that she is masturbating just as much as her male friends during the Coronavirus quarantine, aroused sources confirmed.

“Since this whole thing started, all I’ve seen from my guy friends has been the same dumb joke about how they’re breaking their jerkoff record while they’re stuck inside,” said Johanson while applying Bengay ointment to her wrist. “Well, I just want to let everyone know that I’ve been flicking my clit just as much as any of these dudes… probably more, even. Just today I’ve probably ‘rubbed the magic lamp’ more than these jokers have all week. That’s true equality.”

Close personal friend Alan Coster is exasperated, however, by Johanson’s constant reminders that she is self-pleasuring to unreasonable levels.

“Look, I get it. Hell, I made the same dumb joke as everyone else when this quarantine started. But she seems almost vindictive about this,” said Coster. “The other day I texted just to see if she was feeling okay, and she responded with eight eggplant emojis and a photo of what I really hope was a starfish. I really don’t care how often she’s been ‘fluffing the golden badger,’ I just want to make sure my friend is safe.”

CDC representative Wanda Marks had mixed feelings about Johanson’s continuous self-stimulation.

“During these uncertain periods, it’s important for every individual to find ways to pass the time,” said Marks. “That being said, ‘slapping the sour ham’ is an activity that should be enjoyed responsibly and in moderation. Yes, isolation will certainly lend itself to excessive self-pleasure — however, it’s important to remember this is not a competition. Just because a bunch of your dumb, dick friends have been joking about ‘greasing their otters’ on Facebook doen’t mean it’s a call to action. Please, practice safe self-love out there. Carpal tunnel is real, and now is definitely not the time to be dealing with a UTI, trust me.”

At press time, Johanson was reportedly splinting her fingers with Q-tips and preparing to ‘sink the Titanic’ once again.

‘Ring Fit Adventure’ Player Upset to Learn Body He’s Been Leveling Up Will Die in Cutscene Later On

Posted on March 28, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Feeling a profound sense of dismay knowing that his effort had been wasted, a dedicated player of the Nintendo Switch fitness game Ring FIt Adventure was disappointed today after he accidentally read a spoiler confirming the fact that the body that he’s been leveling up this whole time will die in a cutscene later on, sources confirmed.

“What? You’ve gotta be kidding me,” said player Lucas Strauss, who was both disappointed by the news and upset to have a crucial endgame moment spoiled for him. “You’re telling me that even though my body just hit level 73 that it’s going to die in an unskippable hospital cutscene and there’s nothing I can do to stop it? This is bullshit!”

“I guess I just spent all of those hours maxing out my abs for nothing,” Strauss added bitterly.

According to those close to Strauss, the news of his body’s unavoidable death was particularly painful to accept because of his attachment to it.

“My body is so integral to the game’s story, I can’t imagine why they would want to kill it off. It’s got all of these high-level workout routines, hopes, fears, and memories, and those are all going to just go away? That’s such bullshit. Plus, there aren’t even any other playable characters in my party, who’s left afterwards? Just the talking ring? What sense does that make? I knew I should have picked up a different RPG. What a waste of time.”

At press time, Strauss had reportedly created a GameFAQs account to ask the Ring Fit Adventure community if anyone had discovered a way to cheat death.

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