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We Sat Down With Trump Because I Have the Coronavirus and This Is Our Chance

In this very trying time, it is important that we are able to have a rational conversation with those in charge of our future. We here at The Hard Times have a lot of questions for Mr. Trump around his handling of this entire pandemic. Our readers have a vested interest in getting back to our lives as soon as possible. We were very fortunate that Trump granted us an interview.

I say Fortunate because I happen to have Coronavirus. Yeah, I was pretty flippant about the whole thing at first. I went to comedy open mics, went on Tinder dates, and I may have possibly done a little spring breaking.

Now that I have a raging fever and can barely breathe. I figure this may be our only chance to “expedite” this entire mess. If you know what I mean. So let’s do this.

Hard Times: Thank you for meeting with us Mr. President.
Trump: Uh…I would appreciate it if you weren’t sitting right next to me. We should be at least six feet apart.
Oh sorry. I guess I just wanted to sit next to the greatest President of all time. Obama let me…
Ok. Fine. Sit there if you want.  This is all blown out of proportion anyway. Wait, Why do you keep coughing?
I didn’t cough. You coughed man.
So ya. China man. How about that shit?
You literally just sprayed a spit mist across my face. It looked like on purpose. Are you sure you’re from Fox News?
You know what Donny?  I’m feeling a little woozy and could really use a hug. Like a big sweaty hug.
Did you just lick your fingers and try to touch my face?! I’m out of here.
Trump 2020! Coming in HOT!
That’s my man, high five! Oh, shit.
Did you know that if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer? 
What? Is my hand bigger than my face? 
Oh, I can’t tell like that, you have to touch your face. Yeah like that, good. Wow, actually your hand is noticeably smaller than your face. Man, am I going to catch what you have? 
Haha, just kidding, here have some of my diet coke! 
I do love diet coke. 

And now the Secret Service is taking me for one of the few tests available. Rad.