Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

A Statement From MILFHunter on the Coronavirus

Posted on March 28, 2020 by Matt Wassung

Valued Subscriber,

As you know, the Coronavirus has fundamentally, but hopefully only temporarily, changed everyday life. We care about two things here at MILFHunter.com: The safety of our horny MILFS, and providing our customers with the daily hardcore MILF content they rely upon. We would like to update you on the most recent changes our site has made in these uncertain times to ensure both those priorities are met.

SOLO VIDEOS ONLY – We understand that some of our most popular videos such as “MILF Fucks The Neighborhood,” “MILF Gives Piano and Pussy Eating Lessons,” “Big Pussy, Bigger Dick,” and “Horny MILF Drives A Truck, Then Fucks” involve multiple people but in order for this pandemic to end, we need to do our part. That means social distancing. Therefore, new content released in the future will be MILF solo videos only. While this may disappoint some of you, please understand that the last thing we, and likely you, want is for one of our sex-starved, ready to fuck MILFs to be infected with the Coronavirus and pass it on to any construction workers, delivery guys, or God forbid, or top MILF hunter Shawn Rees, himself.

NO MORE PUBLIC VIDEOS – Recently we started a series titled “MILF Gets Pounded In Every Aisle In The Grocery Store” and while people are enjoying it, we must discontinue all pussy pounding in public areas, especially grocery stores. Grocery store employees are on the front lines against this virus so our MILFS vow to keep their pussies away from all grocery stores and other public spaces until this pandemic is over. Our MILFs will be exclusively using food delivery services in the mean time, which we may have to reconsider now that we’re thinking about it.

FREE CORONAVIRUS THEMED CONTENT – We just wouldn’t be MILFHunter.com if we didn’t adapt. That means we will be introducing some topical videos very soon. Be on the lookout for “Horny MILF In Quarantine,” “MILF Explores Her Body For Coronavirus,” “Safe MILF Washes Her Hands For 20 Seconds,” “MILF In Medical Mask Urges You To Jerk Off,” and “MILF Explains The Pros And Cons Of Socialism In A Pandemic.”

These are the main changes to the site and we will update our subscribers as needed. If you would like a tight, shaved, and wet refund please email us at support@MILFHunter.com. Be safe and thank you for being a hard and throbbing subscriber, thehardtimesxXx.

Sincerely,
The MILFHunter Team

Report: 78% of American Corporations Living Stimulus to Stimulus

Posted on March 28, 2020 by Zach Russell

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Commerce issued a concerning report this morning, finding that 78% of American corporations are barely scraping by and living stimulus to stimulus, sources laying naked atop a tiger pelt confirmed.

“It’s dire straits for hard-working legal entities in America, with many businesses struggling to dole out even a cool million in fun money to execs like me,” commented Royal Caribbean’s CEO Richard Fain while holding back tears as he opened a safe hidden behind a painting that was only half full of gold and ivory. “Corporations have already done everything we can to cut operating expenses — we slashed health benefits, reinvested our employees’ 401k accounts into stock buyback plans for our board members, and it’s still not enough. Hell, American Airlines euthanized half their flight crew, but Uncle Sam just pulls his purse strings tighter, sliding us mere single-digit billions: proof the federal government doesn’t give two shits about struggling Ltd’s. We have sharks and huge tanks to buy, damn it!”

Rep. Michael McCaul held a press conference to address legislation he introduced to help executives affected by the economic downturn.

“It’s a crying shame that we’re failing the corporations of this country by wasting millions on paid sick leave that people will just abuse by smoking Schedule-1 marijuana and shirking their economic responsibilities. Corporations are people, too, and since Coca-Cola can’t take a day off, neither should anyone else,” said McCaul, pulling out a binder containing his stimulus bill. “What I’m proposing is a modest $10B for each corporation whose founder doesn’t yet own an island, and a $40B slush fund for cabal meetings on the islands they’ll purchase to stimulate the economy.”

Patrick Crain, one of many jobless after Marriott International’s recent wave of layoffs, was enraged by the bill.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” said Crain, covered in rashes. “I am literally considering sucking dick for money, and, at this point, someone to talk to. I’ve been hiding in my studio apartment from the plague, and Congress tells me to get in line behind Exxon? Fuck me.”

At press time, the 22% of American corporations that remain relatively unaffected by the global coronavirus pandemic issued a statement to the IRS in the form of a bomb threat that they will continue to not pay taxes.

Gamer Sets Clock Ahead 3 Months to Skip Past Pandemic

Posted on March 28, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local gamer Freddy Strickland has changed all the clocks in his apartment to early July in order to skip past the COVID-19 pandemic, according to confused sources.

“I get that people think the only real way to get through a pandemic is to just quarantine yourself and sit through it, but I just don’t have the patience. So I’m gonna go into the clocks and move the date forward until the event ends. I’ll shift the date back after, don’t worry,” Strickland said to befuddled roommates. “At the end of the day, life’s a single-player game. If you don’t like the way I play it, then you can just mind your own business and play your own life how you want to.”

Strickland’s roommates, a couple who live in the other bedroom of the apartment, tried to reason with him but were not successful.

“He’s been playing Animal Crossing all week and I think his brain is starting to merge the reality of his island with the reality we live in,” said Jasmine Palmer. “What I’m trying to say is that all the clocks in our apartment are fucked up now and you obviously can’t time travel in real life. But every time I say that to Freddy, he just tells me to let him play the game his own way.”

“That’s not even why I’m pissed off,” explained Mark Palmer, however. “If it did work — if you could really change all the clocks in the apartment to three months ahead of time so you could just skip the pandemic — it would affect the whole apartment! We would all have to move forward in time with him. We’re all residents of the same island, so to speak. So all his talk about single-player games is bullshit!”

“Yes, I get that it’s impossible to time travel,” he added, “but I’m getting really hung up on how rude even the proposition is.”

At press time, Strickland was seen holding up the line at a local Trader Joes’ after the cashier refused to buy back a box full of cherries he had purchased at a different store.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

EVE Online Players’ Spouses Already Nervous About Stimulus Check

Posted on March 27, 2020 by Joseph Stilwell

WASHINGTON — Spouses of EVE Online players are growing anxious after learning that the government was sending stimulus checks to Americans during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“I had the news on while we were both working from home,” said Lowell, Massachusetts resident Carly Booth, whose wife, Cristina Ruiz, is a longtime EVE Online player. “As soon as I heard the word ‘stimulus check,’ the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I went to check on Cris and she was already loading her online cart with Platinum Packs.”

Many EVE Online players, including Ruiz, have insisted that their spouses’ fears are overblown.

“I’m not expecting the whole check to feed my habit,” she said. “But as long as we buy groceries at the dollar store and wear our winter clothes instead of heating the house, I can easily afford 15 thousand PLEX a month. Sadly though, the government isn’t providing us with the long term assistance we need to really deck our shit out the way we’d like to during this crisis.”

Other players said they were willing to draw a line in the sand, even with their partners.

“The Ratfuck Conglomerate is counting on me to keep their wormhole gank-free,” said EVE Online veteran Marcelo Neves. “If I fail them I’ll be an outcast across all of New Eden forever. I mean, I can always get remarried.”

Amarrian Space Pope Max Singularity has offered online marriage counseling to couples who are affected by this issue, even if they don’t believe in his religious doctrine.

“In this time of pandemics and financial disagreements, it’s important that I ensure these couples find a compromise that suits their finances and also ensures the game I am internet famous in never goes down,” he said.”

The EVE Online Development Team was unable to comment, as they were frantically working to release a new set of limited-edition ship SKINs on the same date the first checks drop.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

5 Self-Diagnosis Tips to Help You Decide Which Mental Illness Your Ex Had

Posted on March 27, 2020 by V.F. Thompson

Have you ever tried to explain how crazy your ex was only to find out that the dude you’re hitting on at the bar is a licensed psychologist? Unfortunately, it turns out that some of us are apparently unqualified to diagnose complex mental disorders from the comfort of our bar stool. Fortunately, it also turns out the whole DSM-5 is available online in pirated PDF form for free so I took it upon myself to share the wealth of knowledge therein so this won’t happen to you.

1. They Were Probably Depressed and Anxious Before You Met Them
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illnesses in the United States, afflicting around 20% of the population. That means there’s like a one in five chance that they were totally fucked up before you ever fucked in the bathroom at Mac’s Bar and then started dating because you felt bad about it. What a relief!

2. Most People are Total Fucking Narcissists
I always thought my ex was a total narcissist. Well after reading the diagnostic qualifications apparently so is everyone. I guess it doesn’t take a doctor to tell you that most people spend their whole lives lodged up their own assholes, thinking they’re hot shit. So here’s me, not a doctor, telling you that most people are narcissists already so feel free to call your ex one anyway.

3. Turns Out Bipolar is Like, a Real Disorder?
I used to tell people my ex was bipolar but after looking up the symptoms I have to take it all back. Apparently bipolar involved entire weeks of depression where you can’t even get out of bed followed by a week or more of an intense manic episode that often leads to life endangering behaviors. Turns our my ex was just an angry drunk asshole which, shockingly, is not a diagnosis on any of the DSM’s 947 pages.

4. Don’t Forget to Diagnose Yourself
This one doesn’t have anything to do with your ex but if you can convince the right people you’re nuts too, you might get an Adderall prescription out of it. Worth a shot!

5. When in Doubt, Go With Borderline
The nice thing about BPD is that a lot of doctors don’t feel comfortable diagnosing it in the first place so what are they gonna do, call you on it? It’s the perfect catch-all label to show that your ex was like, actually crazy. Not just like, the same kind of crazy as everyone else says their ex is, like, for real crazy. For real.

Careless Girlfriend Endangers Older, Compromised Immune System of Pop-Punk Frontman Boyfriend

Posted on March 27, 2020 by John Danek

PLAINVIEW, N.Y. — 16-year-old Misty Lebowitz carelessly endangered her much, much older and immunocompromised pop-punk singer boyfriend Scotty McDickers yesterday when she defied New York’s coronavirus lockdown laws to visit him, worried sources confirmed.

“It’s been six days since we’d hung out, and I was starting to think Scotty didn’t care about me anymore,” explained Lebowitz, who made Honor Roll in three of four semesters during her sophomore year of high school. “I know everyone is freaking out about this whole virus thing, but he keeps replying with heart-eye emojis to girls who comment on his Instagram, so I had to talk to him about it. As soon as the sun went down, I told my parents I was going to bed early… then I snuck out, got on my bike and rode it all the way to his apartment.”

The grey-haired McDickers seemed to deny the circumstances of Lebowitz’s visit.

“Oh, Misty? I wouldn’t say we’re dating or anything — she’s just a really cool fan who sleeps over sometimes. She’s a good girl. Going to break a lot of hearts, that one,” wheezed McDickers between coughing fits while quarantined with other at-risk musicians in a converted rehearsal space. “Misty is really mature for her age: she’s one of the only girls I’ve met who didn’t freak out when I told her we opened for Sum-41 on a tour in 2004. I think it might be because she doesn’t actually know who Sum-41 is, but I find that really attractive.”

A disease expert familiar with the Long Island pop-punk/emo community expressed concern for the scene’s aging veterans and their vulnerability to coronavirus.

“Unfortunately, these musicians don’t have the immune systems they once did in the late ’90s and early 2000s,” explained Dr. Linda Foster, general internist at North Shore University Hospital. “None of them can fit into youth-large T-shirts anymore — years of swinging microphones around their necks and being dragged to senior prom by their underage girlfriends really add up. These are some of the most vulnerable people. Fortunately, not many will actually miss them at this point if they do end up dying.”

Due to the coronavirus scare, Emo Night at the Long Island Pleasant Gardens retirement community is canceled indefinitely.

UBI to Be Distributed Over Daily Login Bonus on Whitehouse.gov

Posted on March 27, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

WASHINGTON — In order to streamline distribution, sources are reporting that Universal Basic Income will be distributed to Americans via a daily login bonus on Whitehouse.gov.

“We think it will be a great way to drive citizen engagement,” said Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham. “I feel like people are going to have a better attitude about the way we’re handling all of this if we’ve just given them 40 dollars. As an added incentive, users who login seven days in a row will get a chance to spin a wheel for prizes such as an american flag, student debt reduction, or one free COVID-19 test, treatment not included.”

Critics of the program have expressed concerns that the program will leave those without regular internet access without any support whatsoever, among other complaints.

“This is ridiculous,” said David Talbit, a concerned citizen. “The citizens deserve the entire stimulus package, not this annoying gated off installment. They’re obviously masking the fact that if we were given the whole thing at once it would be a very underwhelming package.”

Grisham defended the program against these criticisms, and went on to highlight the tiered system citizens can anticipate.

“Those logging in who make over $99,000 annually will be redirected off the website to Whitehousepremium.gov,” she said. “Where they can directly ask for loans, chat with online agents for reassurance, watch exclusive streaming content, and play business management flash games to stay in practice.”

The program will be unveiled on April 1st, with a rocky start planned that will see the daily bonus system delayed until well into the summer.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

5 Places City Officials Made More Punk Rock

Posted on March 27, 2020 by Kevin Tit

“I LOVE LIVIN’ IN THE CITY!” Hell yeah. “FEAR” said it best in their comedy sketch on Saturday Night Live back in the 80s. They weren’t wrong. What’s not to love about the sound of sirens, car horns, and people puking everywhere? The city has always been an iconic symbol in punk rock and given the fact that we now have elected officials who grew up in the genre, it’s no surprise to see all the work they’ve been doing to keep the spirit of punk rock alive in cities everywhere!

Here are 5 places city officials have made more punk rock:

Public Parks – Free. All ages. No Security. Everything you’d want in a solid DIY house show where nobody cares how much crystal meth ya smoke. It’s basically a Leftover Crack show with swings. So punk rock!

Anti-Homeless Spikes – Okay first off, anything that starts with “anti-” is automatically punk rock. Second, not only are these things quite literally brutal as fuck, they also make all sorts of surfaces look like studded punk jackets. Sick! Next time you’re bored, walk around town with some Crass and Subhumans stickers and slap those bad boys onto any homeless spikes you see for the full effect. As Jello Biafra famously said with no hint of sarcasm or irony, “Kill the poor!”

Public Transit Stations – One thing boomer punks love to complain about is how safe punk shows are nowadays. No place is a better representation of the danger that used to lurk quite like your local public transit station. Whether it’s underground waiting for a train or at a bus stop during broad daylight, chances are you’ll run into somebody who wants to threaten your life. Everybody loves nostalgia!

City Public Bathrooms – In true punk fashion, city public bathrooms are gross as fuck and literally reek of shit. City officials realized it would be much more punk to defund them to give your public bathroom trips more of a DIY venue vibe. Now you can experience a little piece of CBGB every time you take a shit in public.

The Library – Books are zines that people don’t immediately throw in the trash and libraries are full of ‘em. They also have access to music, movies, and the internet, all for free! For some, it’s the perfect place to print up flyers for a show. For others, it’s a place to pull up porn in public. The choice is yours. And that my friend, is the definition of punk.

Wide-Eyed Midwest Girl Getting Off Bus at Radio City Tackled By National Guard

Posted on March 27, 2020 by Aidan Sears

NEW YORK — National Guard Troops apprehended Iowa native and big-hearted dreamer Elieen Denham yesterday, dive-tackling her in front of Radio City Music Hall in accordance with Governor Andrew Cuomo’s lockdown of the state amidst the COVID-19 pandemic.

“You know, when I first hopped on that bus out of Iowa, my momma said that the big city would knock me down, rough me up, treat me like dirt,” Denham said in custody with a twinkle in her eye. “I didn’t expect that to be so sudden or so literal, but I’m not letting go of my dreams — no matter what sort of extrajudicial punishment the National Guard threatens me with. This is the greatest city in the world, and I’m going to take the town by storm… at least, what’s left of it when this virus is done wreaking havoc.”

The increased vigilance comes after Cuomo ordered a lockdown of New York state following the CDC’s projection that immunocompromised citizens would be put at great risk by plucky small town artists looking to make it big in the Big Apple.

“I am done asking nicely for our young people to take this threat seriously,” Gov. Cuomo said. “From this point forward, anyone who enters this city carrying two suitcases and a pocketful of dreams will be considered an enemy of the state, and I will suspend habeas corpus faster than you can say, ‘Lordy, I ain’t never seen buildings so tall.’ Just stay in your little backwoods town and star in a live-stream dinner theater production of ‘Annie’ there.”

Members of the National Guard are working around the clock to ensure that the Governor’s orders are enforced.

“This is the kind of high-octane combat scenario no amount of basic training can prepare you for,” National Guard 2nd Lt. Domenick L’Orange said. “You don’t really know a warzone until you’ve seen 6th ave. packed with white-bread grads of IU-Bloomington all quoting ‘A Chorus Line’ to each other. That’s hell. And he won’t rest until we take down every one of those sons of bitches.”

Sources report the military has also deployed a dozen MH-6 helicopters to keep surveillance on the Times Square M&M Store to keep tourists inside quarantined for the foreseeable future.

Single Viewer of Twitch Stream Under More Pressure Than Streamer

Posted on March 27, 2020 by Ben Doyle

ROCKVILLE, M.D. — After accidentally clicking on “bigjeremygaming_33 plays minecraft (xbox) very funny,” local Twitch user Nathan Elbaum came to the uncomfortable realization that he was the only one watching the stream.

“He greeted me, by name, immediately,” said Elbaum, rubbing his temples. “Like, right away. I was trying to close my browser before he noticed me, but that guy is like a hawk. He kept asking me these stupid questions about what type of wood he should build his roof out of — you can’t just ignore someone, can you? I mean, I would be such a dick if I just left, right? I’m just hoping someone else joins the stream soon so I can get some sleep.”

Owner of “bigjeremygaming_33,” Jeremy Flynn, expressed great excitement about his growing Fanbase.

“If I were to describe Nathan in one word, it would be ‘my best friend,’’” explained Flynn. “I guess that’s more than one word, but you know what I mean. He’s just the coolest guy. We have this little bit going where he says he has go eat dinner, and I tell him that I will kill myself if he stops watching my stream. Just little things like that, y’know? We get each other. I don’t think he’s logged off my Twitch stream for, like, four days now. He’s a real friend.”

A steadily mounting number of hostages trapped in single-viewer streams has prompted Twitch to take decisive action, announcing plans to return these victims to safe, high-capacity streams.

“It’s a shame, really,” said Mike Aragon, SVP of Content at Twitch. “With a single click, these users can be trapped for days, weeks, even months. We had one very sensitive case where a user died of sleep deprivation after typing ‘haha cool’ in the chat repeatedly for about six months on end. We have been testing technology to gradually deploy artificial viewers with lots of time-consuming questions, and this should hopefully give these users a chance to escape.”

At press time, Flynn was preparing to roll out a new tier of paid-membership that he planned on mentioning to Elbaum every fifteen minutes.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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