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Careless Girlfriend Endangers Older, Compromised Immune System of Pop-Punk Frontman Boyfriend

PLAINVIEW, N.Y. — 16-year-old Misty Lebowitz carelessly endangered her much, much older and immunocompromised pop-punk singer boyfriend Scotty McDickers yesterday when she defied New York’s coronavirus lockdown laws to visit him, worried sources confirmed.

“It’s been six days since we’d hung out, and I was starting to think Scotty didn’t care about me anymore,” explained Lebowitz, who made Honor Roll in three of four semesters during her sophomore year of high school. “I know everyone is freaking out about this whole virus thing, but he keeps replying with heart-eye emojis to girls who comment on his Instagram, so I had to talk to him about it. As soon as the sun went down, I told my parents I was going to bed early… then I snuck out, got on my bike and rode it all the way to his apartment.”

The grey-haired McDickers seemed to deny the circumstances of Lebowitz’s visit.

“Oh, Misty? I wouldn’t say we’re dating or anything — she’s just a really cool fan who sleeps over sometimes. She’s a good girl. Going to break a lot of hearts, that one,” wheezed McDickers between coughing fits while quarantined with other at-risk musicians in a converted rehearsal space. “Misty is really mature for her age: she’s one of the only girls I’ve met who didn’t freak out when I told her we opened for Sum-41 on a tour in 2004. I think it might be because she doesn’t actually know who Sum-41 is, but I find that really attractive.”

A disease expert familiar with the Long Island pop-punk/emo community expressed concern for the scene’s aging veterans and their vulnerability to coronavirus.

 

“Unfortunately, these musicians don’t have the immune systems they once did in the late ’90s and early 2000s,” explained Dr. Linda Foster, general internist at North Shore University Hospital. “None of them can fit into youth-large T-shirts anymore — years of swinging microphones around their necks and being dragged to senior prom by their underage girlfriends really add up. These are some of the most vulnerable people. Fortunately, not many will actually miss them at this point if they do end up dying.”

Due to the coronavirus scare, Emo Night at the Long Island Pleasant Gardens retirement community is canceled indefinitely.

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