Press "Enter" to skip to content

Wide-Eyed Midwest Girl Getting Off Bus at Radio City Tackled By National Guard

NEW YORK — National Guard Troops apprehended Iowa native and big-hearted dreamer Elieen Denham yesterday, dive-tackling her in front of Radio City Music Hall in accordance with Governor Andrew Cuomo’s lockdown of the state amidst the COVID-19 pandemic.

“You know, when I first hopped on that bus out of Iowa, my momma said that the big city would knock me down, rough me up, treat me like dirt,” Denham said in custody with a twinkle in her eye. “I didn’t expect that to be so sudden or so literal, but I’m not letting go of my dreams — no matter what sort of extrajudicial punishment the National Guard threatens me with. This is the greatest city in the world, and I’m going to take the town by storm… at least, what’s left of it when this virus is done wreaking havoc.”

The increased vigilance comes after Cuomo ordered a lockdown of New York state following the CDC’s projection that immunocompromised citizens would be put at great risk by plucky small town artists looking to make it big in the Big Apple.

“I am done asking nicely for our young people to take this threat seriously,” Gov. Cuomo said. “From this point forward, anyone who enters this city carrying two suitcases and a pocketful of dreams will be considered an enemy of the state, and I will suspend habeas corpus faster than you can say, ‘Lordy, I ain’t never seen buildings so tall.’ Just stay in your little backwoods town and star in a live-stream dinner theater production of ‘Annie’ there.”

Members of the National Guard are working around the clock to ensure that the Governor’s orders are enforced.

“This is the kind of high-octane combat scenario no amount of basic training can prepare you for,” National Guard 2nd Lt. Domenick L’Orange said. “You don’t really know a warzone until you’ve seen 6th ave. packed with white-bread grads of IU-Bloomington all quoting ‘A Chorus Line’ to each other. That’s hell. And he won’t rest until we take down every one of those sons of bitches.”

Sources report the military has also deployed a dozen MH-6 helicopters to keep surveillance on the Times Square M&M Store to keep tourists inside quarantined for the foreseeable future.